Wonderland

Oh, its beautiful! It snowed furiously last night on my way home. The trip was a bit dicey but I made it unscathed. The snow stopped around 8 pm and the view was breathtaking. The bright moon casting light on the fluffy snow creating mountains of diamond sparkles. Being me, what do I do? I get in the car at 9 pm and go for a long drive. I stopped for hot chocolate , slid in a cd(Trans Siberian Orchestra ) and then just drove, mesmorized by the beauty. An hour later, on a whim I go and surprise Jesse at the hospital. She's taking a shower and not in her room so I slip between the sheets and wait. She comes around the corner and squeals in delight when she see's me. It's been decided right there. I called home and said I was spending the night at the hospital cuddling with Jess in the bed from hell. I took a shower there this morning and came to work.

Busy weekend ahead. When is it not?

Tonight is Drews Hockey Christmas party at Cosmic Adventures. Pizza, presents and 16 kids whacked out on sugar crack. Tomorrow morning Drew has a hockey game at 10:30. The rink is near my brothers house so he and his wife are meeting us to watch the game and go for breakfast after. I think tomorrow evening is a great time to decorate the house. I want to go to the craft store and pick up some stuff. I saw the cutest reindeer in a magazine that the little girls can easily make and I want these reindeer everywhere!

Sunday is two hockey practices and I may venture into some Christmas cookie baking if I'm feeling adventurous and our smoke detector batteries have been changed. Wait, maybe some shopping too.

Speaking of which, here is my unofficial Christmas list to no one .

* Burton Yellow Goldfish snowboard jacket that matches my pants

* Grey snowboard mits

* Armani Sensei

* Offwhite converse

* a red hand knit scarf and mits

* Wool socks

* A camo backpack

* More flannel sheets

* A new watch

* Starbucks extra bold beans

* Mini George foreman grill for work

The couds break

and the sun shines again.

I celebrated 3 weeks of non smoking yesterday. I have a few thoughts on that to share.

1. I feel great. Not only great but very very optimistic. Something changed from my attempt last year. Last year I tried to quit and I missed smoking. I mean I really missed smoking. Although I trudged through for awhile, I was miserable. This time I'm not. I don't miss it at all. I don't crave it, don't remember it fondly, don't have triggers when I smell smoke. In fact, the smell makes me sick and I LOVE that my clothes smell like my favourite perfume now, not like an ashtray. My heightened sense of smell and taste is a bonus too. Well, except for cramped spaces and other peoples flatulance but lets stick to the positives ok? My routine is working and it appears my metabolism is re-setting itself . I didn't limited myself in food over these past weeks. I just added more cardio to compensate and it worked. The 4 pounds I gained has dropped by itself down to 1.5.

2. Its a huge accomplishment for me. Bigger than people understand. I'm a control freak. I have always controlled everything and I could not control this. I could not control that poison I was addicted to. There was self loathing in that. A weakness about myself I detested. Now, I control it. 100%

3. People are waiting for me to fail. Fuck, I hate that. A piece of advice for all you non smokers who have a loved one trying to quit. SUPPORT THEM! I don't care if they have tried and failed 1 million times before. It's IRRELEVANT. At this moment in time they have quit. Thats RELEVANT. Don't assume they'll fail. Give them reason to succeed.

4. Jesse was my biggest inspiration and I owe her huge. In fact, I may just owe her my life.


Speaking of my sunshine, she's coming home soon. I can't begin to explain how happy I feel about that. I've been literally skipping around these past few days. The sun just seems to shine brighter, my steps are lighter, my smile is brighter. The world will soon be right again. My favourite expression at home " WE are 5..not 4,3,2 or 1. We are 5!"

Can I Pleeeeeease start shopping soon? I'm losing my mind because I haven't started Christmas shopping. Normally, I'm almost done by now but because of everything that has gone down, time was precious and shopping didn't make the cut. Look out. It'll be chaos when I step into that shopping mall soon.

Two smiles ordered up...

I was talking with a dear girlfriend last night, just venting about my chaos..she laughs and says " You need to get laid" I told her I had too much on my mind to even think about that. She tells
me she has the perfect solution .. breathing excercises

huh?

Oh yeah she explains, these deep breathing excercises will essentially relieve total body stress . After 5 minutes of listening to her detail face yoga, breathing from your ass (??????) understanding your Chakra's etc I just had to burst out laughing. Honey, I said. When I need to relieve stress, I beat the shit out of a boxing bag. Besides, I was only really calling to see if you
had a recipe for pot brownies. After one of those, me and my Chakras will be just dandy.
- I was Joking. I have no more bad habits, unfortunately-

I love her

Today was the annual Fighfighters Santa Claus parade. We go every year but this year we all decided to take part and walk in the parade. Dressed in silly hats and costumes, we slung our candy bags and walked the parade route collecting money and toys and eating more candy than we gave out. Went out for pizza with all the guys after and came home to a wonderful two hour nap. I wished J had been with us. It was a great day but I felt incomplete without my mermaid.


Why does food taste so much better after you quit smoking? I've amped up my fitness routine to compensate for my current weakness for every single kind of food I shove in my mouth.
Everything I eat is orgasmic. Pizza and chocolate and popcorn and icecream and and and and.

Cleaning House

Cigarettes were first to go. It's been 10 days. During one of the most difficult times of my life, I have not lit up ONCE. Its very empowering.

Second to go. Toxic relationships. This letter was e-mailed this morning;

"I've taken steps away from you for months now, not that you would have noticed nor cared. I'm now ready to sever the ties. I choose not to allow you in my life anymore. Any relationship with you is toxic and I've come to acknowledge that will never change. As always, you are free to visit with your grandchildren (outside of my home) and obviously we'll have to share space at family functions but respect me enough to honor my wishes. Don't send me some long e-mail or phone me. I'm really not interested . Its dead. "

More is coming. I'm only beginning to gain speed ....

Show me the Light please

"Neither the fury of the blowing wind, nor the rage of the pouring rain, nor the might of the smothering earth can put out the fury of the fire that propels me to prevail and succeed" Unknown Author

My world seems very dark today. I've conquered each obstacle and yet they keep coming. I'm beginning to get bruised by all these bumps. I know it will end, I know the light will come. I've have never favored self pity.
It's non productive and debilitating . I do ask why sometimes though. Why does it seem that some people have a bumpier road than others. Its ironic though. Those same people also seem to experience heightened joyful periods. Maybe thats the deal? A mountain of putrid, heavy dirt gets tossed on you and you fight and claw your way out. Once you've reached the surface and cleaned the dirt from your eyes, the sun shines so brightly you think you'll go blind. The rays seep through your flesh and penetrate every part of you. It is sooo good. As close to heaven on earth as us lowly mortal beings ever get. I hope I never stop clawing to the surface.

I'm still here. I still have my boxing gloves on . That in itself is wonderful.