Prologue

and so you may ask, why does she love this woman so deeply? Why did she love her Grandfather more than any other human being on the planet. The answer is so simple

Because when she was a little girl they were the only ones that truly loved her. As she grew up into a woman, they were always by her side. They never turned their back on her. They always believed in her.

I'm not looking for pity when I make that statement. I don't need pity. Today I am a very strong woman because of my life experiences. I will always get up when I fall down. I can conquer anything.

They gave me the two greatest gifts I'll ever receive on this earth. They gave me love when no one else loved me and they showed me how to love when I didn't think I was capable of loving . They made me human

How do you repay someone for that?

The Epilogue

She died peacefully. Someone up there was looking out for her. She continued to deteriorate and then stopped eating altogether. At first the Doctor had her on a IV fluids but once they realized she was choosing not to eat or drink and once I showed them her DNR order, they stopped the fluids altogether. She was in an out of conciousness for about 12 hours. I had the Priest come and give her last rights and I was by her side. She was in a bit of pain because as the circulation slows down through the body, your arms and legs can get very hot and itchy. The nurse gave her a very small dose of morphine and she stopped moaning and went to sleep. She died in her sleep 2 hours later. She looked beautifully peaceful and I think I just stared at her for an hour. Around her neck was a gold chain with a ruby cross that I had given her 2 years prior and she never took off. I took it off her neck and placed it on mine before signing her death certificate and her order for cremation. I wore it against my heart for the next 7 days.

Her body was cremated and I had her ashes laid out at the church. The funeral was held in the small Quebec town where she grew up. The town was small but the church was enormous.
Stained glass, alters, statues, the whole Catholic 9 yards. The service was lovely and I gave the Eulogy. I'm a pro now. I wrote my Grandfathers eulogy too. Her ashes were buried beside my beloved Grandfathers and that ruby cross that laid against my heart was given back to her in the grave. Then we were back at the church for lunch. I had framed photos of her life everywhere. the week prior I was creating a life line of her from age 6 to age 90. She looked so gorgeous. Like Grace Kelly. I'm going to scan my favourites and post one here.

I was fairly composed except for parts of the eulogy and at the beginning when something happened I didn't expect. My grandfathers two remaining brothers arrived. When they walked in the church it just took my breath away. One of the brothers is a spitting image of my Grandfather and my first thought was.. you've come back from heaven to take her home with you...and my second thought was.. My God, these beautiful men are honoring their brothers wife 9 years after he has died. I walked up to them and hugged them so tight and cried. After, they both came up to me and told me to please come back and visit . I hadn't been back to visit his family since my grandfathers death. I'm going to. I really am. I need to reconnect.

Marcelle July 07 1917 to May 2007

This song reminds me of her

Womans Work by Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work, This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man, Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said, That I never said.
All the things we should've done, That we never did.
All the things I should've given, But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away.
Give me these moments back. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand.

J'Adore My Queen

Chapter 3 - A smile or two

She was 91, in a hospital dying, losing her mind a little every day yet when she was on, she was really on and she was very funny.

I'm helping her stand up one morning so I can pull up her clean hospital pants. She presses against me a little too hard and I start teetering backwards. I catch my balance , but her pants have now completely fallen around her ankles. She's holding onto me like we're doing the tango. I laughed and said " Hey lady, wanna dance?" Her eyes lit up and she said YES! and so we did.
We danced the tango in a hospital room with her pants around her ankles and we laughed .

I arrive at dinner and the nurse informs me she hasn't eaten all day. She's lethargic and agitated.
I went in and asked her. Pick anything to eat. Anything at all and I'll get it for you. She says she wants a hamburger. A what? A hamburger. A WHAT? She has been eating soup, jello and rice pudding. I can't remember in years the last time she ate a hamburger but I went down the street to a little french fry and burger joint and bought a burger. I brought it back to the room
and sat it in front of her. She looks at me, grins, removes her false teeth and actually takes a BITE. Not just one bite but many bites. I couldnt stop laughing. This started a new tradition.
Every day when I left I would ask... Pick something to eat..and I would bring it the next day.
She had many odd choices. Crap I have NEVER in my 36 years seen her consume. We had Dr Pepper, Oh Henry Chocolate bars, Girl Guide cookies, Cheese strings...

When I was a kid, my grandparents threw a fancy party and invited all their friends. During this party the topic of death, wills and possessions came up and I very loudly asked my grandmother if I could have her umbrella when she died. There was a collective gasp in the room and then silence. Apparently, an inappropriate question but my grandmother suddenly burst into laughter. She assured me that the umbrella would someday be mine. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My grandmother has no idea where she is or what she's doing there or what year it is for that matter, but she tugs on my arm that day and when I lean in close she says; I saved the umbrella for you. Today, it sits on my dresser

Chapter Two- Let it Flow

I didn't even get that much time with her. I'm still really bitter about that. I had it all planned out. I made up her room in warm earth tones with a window facing the east so she could see the sun rise every morning. I made her bed every morning, brought her fresh flowers almost daily, made her favourite meals, had tea every day with her. I was so looking forward to the summer with her. I knew that she would love to just swing on the back deck and look out onto the river in the evenings with the cool breeze against her cheek. It never happened, at least not the way I planned it. Later, the Doctors would tell me her blood work showed that something happened to accelerate her deterioration. A heart attack, a small stroke...at 91 it doesn't take much . In the meantime she also caught a cold she couldn't shake. She started falling alot, couldn't stay steady on her feet. She was dellusional and awake all night. She started wheezing alot. One early evening I was cuddling in bed with her, listening to the horrible rattle of her chest and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Sandi, I want to die now' . I just nodded and got up to tell Scott to leave me alone with her for awhile. I shut the door and laid back down beside her. I placed her rosary on her chest and held her hand tight and said " Ok, heres the deal. You have 30 minutes to die. If you don't die on your own in 30 minutes I have to take you to the hospital because I can't watch you suffer. I can't. She nodded and squeezed my hand. We laid there for what seem hours. After 30 minutes I whispered to her that we had to go now. I had to take her to a Doctor. She was never again in my home after that night.

Altogether, she was in the hospital for 3 weeks before she died. It was agony for me to see her like that. I started working from home so I could be there every day. I tried so hard to bring sunlight to her life. I wouldn't allow the nurses to take care of her intimate needs. She was such a proud woman and to have her rolled over like cattle to change her diaper would have killed her spirit. Everynight, I sponge bathed her like a queen. I made her feel pampered, not invalid. She gave me so much in return those last 3 weeks. I'll never be able to explain the deep love I felt for this woman. I would lay my head in her lap and just cry. I would tell her I loved her every moment I could and she would stare so deeply into my eyes and say 'I know Sandi, I've always known' . I would go home and cry for hours every night. I wanted to take her home. I wanted her to die in my arms but I couldn't. The rational side of me knew it wouldnt be healthy for the children to be around pending death 24/7. They deserved a reprieve, a safe place.. and that was their home. She started to deteriorate more every day, physically and mentally. One day when I arrived, she was in a chair crying. I held her and asked what was wrong. She told me that she was so sad because the day was coming when I'd visit and she wouldn't know who I was. I told her it was okay. Souls never forget each other. This was just her body breaking down. She never did end up forgetting me. Sometimes though, she would forget the time era. She would remember an occasion distinctly but I was 10, not 36 and she was talking to me accordingly.
She had me laughing so much sometimes....

I need a break

and so I attempt Chapter 1

I wanted to wait until my head cleared so I could articulate my thoughts in a way that could splash multi colors of emotion onto the paper. I don't know if I can ever do it justice and so I'll just write and let it take me wherever I need to go. I think I'll break all the rules and start in the middle. This is the eulogy that I spoke at her funeral; Thats all for now

I called her My Queen ... and to me she was a Queen.

I’ve had her on a pedestal since I was a little girl. As many of you know, I was very close to my grandparents. I spent most of my summers and holidays with them. I have memories that go way back of Fridays spent with Grandma. This was a VERY special day for us. This was the day we left for Lac Chaud for the weekend. In the afternoon, Grandma and I would walk to Steinbergs in St Michel for groceries . I was always very well behaved. In fact, I didn’t move the whole time. My nose would stay pressed against the glass of the rotisarie chickens and on the way out, Grandma would buy me one of those delicious chicken legs. We would sit on the front steps together and wait for Grandpa to get home. We would sing “You are My sunshine together and I’d eat my chicken leg” I Lived for those weekends. Grandma and I would fish from the dock together, pick wild raspberries together, go for long walks in the forest holding hands. When she sold the cottage I went up with my sister for one last goodbye and I cried so much. I felt like my childhood memories were gone, but they weren’t. They were always in her heart...and in mine. Those memories grew as I became an adult. I loved having her in my life and having my husband and children get to know her. She spent almost every Christmas at my home and she brought me so much joy. She kept the traditions alive and it wasn’t easy for her. I had 3 kids and 3 dogs…and Grandma. The kids would be running and screaming, soccer balls and hockey pucks would fly over her head, dogs would jump in her lap and still she laughed she still wanted to come next year .

My whole life I haven’t listened to anyone. I’m very stubborn but I always listened to Grandma. I thought she was the wisest woman I ever knew. I still believe that today. If you took the time to listen to her stories there was always a lesson to learn. She was teaching me right up until she died. One day, two weeks ago I was having a sad day It was hard for me to see her in the hospital . I sat down and just rested my cheek on her lap. She touched my hair and said “ Don’t be sad Sandi. This is life. God allows us to look at life in two ways. Good or bad. It always your choice. Always look for the good.’

I’m trying Grandma. I’m trying to look for the good. I’m trying to smile knowing that finally, you are with your True Love again. You are with your mother, your father, your baby boy…Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being part of my life. I love you so much My Queen and I’ll miss you