Bloggers. Love them or hate them, they're here to stay. Bloggers can be a powerful tool in self reflection, emotional purging or simply to spark creativity. They can also hurt. I came across my ex's blog recently and was surprised to see an entry written less than 6 months ago.
Keep in mind, we've been divorced for almost 14 years now, which made the blog entry more upsetting to me. I've long since healed the past and moved on. This was unexpected. I don't want to reply to the entry. I don't think I'll even acknowledge the entry to him. Instead, I'll anonymously vent here.
The Entry:
“He loved a woman and she left him. He had a daughter he loved more than life itself, and his ex-wife took her away from him. He would see her on the weekends and he was the happiest man alive; then when the weekend was over, he would be crushed. Every weekend. Then he turned to drinking to ease the pain, but the pain kept getting harder and harder to numb”
The Reality:
Nothing in this post is truth. Nothing. It saddens me that after all this time, he refuses to be accountable for certain events that led to our eventual demise. I never took her away. I never left the city. I remain in the same city where I met him, where she born and where she's been raised. It was he who left the city for a career in Toronto. I have never uttered a negative word
about him in the 16 years she's been on this earth. I have spoken only of the good times, the few cherished moments I kept in my heart from that relationship. I've never told her the truth. Never told her why we split up. I always offer the same generic explaination. 'Sometimes people who love each other grow apart and its no-ones fault"
I never told her that I was a naive 18 year old when I met him and I fell foolishly in love with a radio guy 8 years my senior. He made me laugh, he was very protective of me, he looked after me. I never told her he was jealous, extreme jealousy that sometimes led to aggression. He had serious bouts of depression. I never told her that some days I was horrified he'd hurt himself. I never told her that while I was a scared, isolated 19 year old with his baby in my belly, he was trying to fuck every girl with a pulse. I never told her that one of those girls was my best friend, and eventually would be my maid of honour when I married him. I didn't find out until much later. I never told her that I became severely depressed. I was a child myself, caring for an infant on my own, so lonely while he was gone all the time to remotes, promotions at bars, sporting events. His life took off and mine was lost. I couldn't compete with these girls. Cheerleaders and bar maids and rock stars. I was just a post partum fat girl with nothing to offer. I never told her that the day I left him I contemplated suicide. The only reason I didn't was because of her. My desire not to abandon my child was bigger than my desire to die.
I stood at the cliff and I had to make a life changing decision at 20 years old. Jump and take a risk or stay and die. I jumped.
I left him, I left the cheating, the ignoring, the lonliness, the tears, the depression. I walked away with no job, no money, an infant and a cat. I was horrified . I learned the greatest lesson of my life that day. I learned I had a strength that was inpenetrable. I learned what Sandi was capable of. I got a job, went back to school, got an apartment and I raised my daughter. I gave her every ounce of love inside me. I never told her that he stalked me for 2 years. I never told her that the police had to take him away one evening because he was trying to break down the door of my apartment. I never told her that he almost killed us all in a car one day when he was driving 2x's the speed limit, mumbling that life wasn't worth living. I never told her how he initially refused to pay child support. I never told her that sometimes I would actually give him money because he spent his money on partying and had no food to give her when she was visiting. I never told her how close I came to losing jobs, friends, apartments because of his unpredictable rants.
I have always dressed him up pretty for her. I tell her how he made me laugh like no one else with his Chinese Rental lady impression. I tell her how he sold his prized antique coke machine one day to buy diapers and food when we had nothing. I tell her how he was very supportive of my relationship with my siblings and was always picking them up to visit with me. I tell her how much my grandfather appreciated his long drives to the cottage to bring me there. I tell her about the day he insisted I quit my job because the employees were smoking around me pregnant and I was scared you'd be born sick. I tell her that he loves her with every part of his soul , just as much as I do. I tell her thats she's the apple of his eye and she should always love and respect him.
I never told her the URL to this blog. I never will.
