Trying to Coagulate

And here we go. Sandi is going to write how Sandi used to write. Just raw. Just real.

Toxicity surrounds me . I can feel the dark energy swirling around me. It’s so thick tonight I’m choking. I’m a big believer in energy. There are energies flowing constantly around us. Each person has their own energy, unique to them, almost like a fingerprint. It’s a compilation of our life experiences, our hopes, our fears, our flaws. Energies are best described in color . Reds are vibrant and full of life, blues are strong and affirmative, black is desolate, grey is sadness, yellow is peaceful , purples are curious, orange is a glowing passion...

I could best describe mine right now as grey with a little orange core that burns so bright it could be blinding. No one can see that because it’s surrounded in soupy grey and all you see is haze.

My birthday is in 2 days. I’m turning 39 years old. I think 39 is more monumental than 40 simply because you know it’s coming, that symbolic 4-0 and suddenly you look back on your life and you wonder how much of it really belonged to you. I don’t know if I ever really owned it. I’ve spent the first half of my life thus far just surviving and the second half I’ve spent trying to be what everyone wants me to be. With each year that passes I crack just a little more. The facade is impossible to keep up. Sometimes, the rage comes. It’s overwhelming and it’s scary . I scream alot during those times and still no one hears me. When you speak soft and no one hears you, it’s frustrating. When you scream loudly and no one hears you , it’s enraging. When you cry and no one hears you....well, things become alot more clear. You understand your position; Your importance , your value or lack of... to others. Just hit me in the head with a shovel 50 or 60 times and I get it.

I wanted it all. I wanted to write my own life story and be excited with every chapter. It’s just not turning out that way. I talk to God alot... When is my turn? When is it my turn for people to see ME, love ME, look after ME? I’ve bled myself dry to give to others . Maybe I was trying to earn love back in return. If I’m good enough. If I do everything just right will it finally be my turn? No. Instead they just take more. Its easier and safer to just hide away. I’m becoming more and more of an introvert as I get older. I just don’t trust peoples intentions anymore. The little girls are my life raft most days. I feel complete unconditional love from them. On the mornings when I’m blessed to have one in each arm as I wake up, I’m pretty sure I’m as close to heaven as I’m ever going to get. I’m so thankful for them. I live for them, I’d die for them, I feel peace when I’m with them.

I’m proud of my accomplishments. I have survived more than most could ever handle. I wear those scars with pride. I’ve crawled up from the ashes and rebuilt. My body is healthy and strong, my business is very successful. I continue to evolve and grow as a human being. Sometimes that journey is bumpy. Sometimes the road is covered in fragments of broken glass and you’re going barefoot. Does anyone have a bandaid please? I’m bleeding a little it seems.