A Bone

Leaving some mystery, this post will be short. I'm still refelecting on the content, but I'll leave you with one clear and concise thought...

Sometimes...I am such a woman! I like to think that miss baddass is above such demeaning behavior. When the evil transformation occurs, I'm an emotional train wreck.

It REALLY sucks! My hockey jock does not protect me from the evils of estrogen.

Todays Question

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

Or

Does it make you pissed off and resentful?


Let me get back to you on that...

Tossed Salad...

Thursday Night: Office appreciation Dinner. Two very strong quarters boasting record profits so the boss decides to show his appreciation by hosting a lovely dinner for the group. Problem: The third quarter bombed and we can't afford to pay out the commissions on the second quarter, but we can offer you a delicious creme brule instead because we appreciate you! - tongue in cheek-

Friday Night: Coaching Clinic. In order to receive my advance level coaching certificate for hockey, I had to attend a training session Friday evening and Saturday all day. Friday night was class time and Saturday was 4 hours in class and 4 hours on the ice. 37 sweaty Men, and me. Problem: What problem? -grins-

Saturday Night: I rush home from the clinic, shower and get ready for an evening out with friends we've known for 15 years. We haven't seen them in a year. The last two occasions, we had to back out last minute due to unforseen circumstances. This time, we were going to make it. 7 Layer dip , case of beer and case of coolers we pull up in their driveway. Problem: My cell phone rings. It's the sitter. The baby just hurled all over her. We rang the bell, dropped off the dip and said we couldn't stay. We laughed all the way home.

Sunday Night: Why Why Why do men only think with 1/2 of their brain? Truly, it makes women want to bash in the other half, S leaves yesterday morning for Toronto on business. The weather is nasty; winds, rain mixed with freezing rain. His ETA is about 6 pm. I made him promise to call as soon as he got to the hotel. Problem: 6:00, 7:00, 8:00 9:00, 10:00, no call, nadda. Thanks alot honey. I was up all night, worried to death, waiting for that police car to pull up in the driveway.

A little of this, a little of that, a whole lot of nothing

Further musings...

1. The Almighty Designer Label.

The nights are getting colder and I wanted to buy the girls some new warm pjamas, so I stopped by the store last night and picked up 2 pairs each for the younger girls
and a cute fleece robe for my eldest and myself. The midgets liked their snuggly pj's but the best reaction was my eldest. She comes barrelling in my room wearing her robe, holding one of her Seventeen mags and sporting the biggest grin on her face. "Oh mom, where did you get this robe???" She flips through the mag and there is the robe. She points it out and squeals, this robe is soooo expensive. It's made by a designer from New York that is really popular in the magazine. I sit, bemused as she shows my the tag from her robe and compares it to the photo in the magazine.
She wraps her arms around my neck and says "Thank you Mommy. I love it so much"

*Side Note - I'm always Mommy when she gets what she wants. When she's angry, I'm Mother, when she's arguing I'm moooooooom, when she's in normal mode, I'm mum. I like mommy.. LOTS and she knows it*

After her overt display of affection, I laughed and told her she was a total victim
of designer label marketing. I actually bought the robe from Giant Tiger ( For all you Americans, it's a scaled down version of Walmart) It cost me $9.99.

2. A Womans Angst courtesy of The Gap

Speaking of black kettles, I broke down and bought a pair of black skinny pants from The Gap. I have no idea why. Thats not true. I bought them because the Gap commerical featuring a young Audry Hepburn told me to. These pants are a womans nemesis and I can't believe we didn't learn our lesson in the 80's when these were previously in style. Let me explain the black skinny pant. It's comprised of 90% cotten and 10% spandex. They fit like a second skin, with tappered legs and ankles. Think heavy leggings with a zipper. Let me be the first to acknowledge this fact.
NO ONE looks good in black skinny pants, present company included. You could take
a famine stricken woman from Ethiopia ( or a Hollywood starlet..same thing) and if they have one, hidden pea size fat nodule, these pants will find it, magnify it and display it for the world to see. I decided to call them instant fat ass pants
because as fit and toned as you might be, put on these pants and POOF...fat ass. Reminds me of those dinasaurs that you place in water and they instantly grow up to 100x their original size. Yeah, so now I need a long tunic sweater. Audrey, If you weren't already deceased, I'd have some choice words for you girlfriend.

3. I want to go hunting for Boar. Apparently, this is illegal in Canada. Do we even have any wild pigs in Canada??? No, I don't mean the downtown construction workers either. However, the US has wild boar that you can hunt during the season. Thats my next getaway. Bow Hunting for Boar. I need to find out how to aquire the tags.
Deer hunting with Bow opens Saturday. I'm excited. For those who don't know, I love hunting. The kill is very secondary to me. What I love most is the tracking, the stalking, the true challenge of man against beast. You really connect with your primal self and understand that we are no different than any other animal except we build bombs and murder each other while wearing designer suits and smelling all nice. Ironic

A picture says a thousand words

This picture was taken last evening. I had just gotten out of the bath and was looking in the mirror. I was lost in thought and didn't see S with the camera until I caught the reflection in the mirror. At first I told him to stop. Look at me...no make up, wet hair, no clothes. Not exactly a Vogue glamour shot. Then I saw the photo and it moved me. Yes, it is plain, it is natural and it expresses exactly what I was thinking at that moment.

This is what I was thinking when he snapped the photo...

This is me. I'm 35 years old and I'm slowly changing. My facial structure is maturing, tiny lines are appearing under my eyes, my eyes seem so much more intense, as though they could share a lifetime of stories. They can. I didn't look at myself with disgust or insecurity. In fact, its the opposite. I don't fear aging. I welcome the process because for every day I'm aging, I'm also still alive. Every line that forms is the result of laughter or tears. Those eyes have seen the most beautiful images. My heart has been broken, my heart has swelled with joy. So many experiences have given me the gift of wisdom and I'll continue to absorb more and more everyday.
I am so glad to be here. This photo speaks volumes.




For those who don't know, the tattoo on my arm is an Arabic symbol for motherhood. It portrays the heart, the womb and the open arms of a Mother

Musings...

1, I'm willing to guess that people who've had a cancer scare are the most bountiful supporters of cancer research. How do I know this? I stopped by a store last night to pick up a tablecloth for Thanksgiving. Its breast cancer awareness month and this store had an enormous display of pink ribbon items. Socks and Pj's and shirts and keychains and purses. And I bought one of everything . As I'm filling my cart I'm thinking, Wow, I'm just happy to be alive here.

2. We celebrated last night. A late dinner at The Keg. It was incredible and it was my annual serving of red meat. S was amused. He said I eat red meat once a year but when I do, I eat it like a man. Red and Raw. My cheeks are glowing this morning. Amazing what a little iron does for a girl.

3. Corner store instant bank machines were designed by crooks. Of this I am certain. As a thief, you don't need to peer over the shoulder of your victim when they are using the machine, you don't even need to be in view. All you need to be is within audio range of the machine. This particular machine processess your request and as it drops out each 20, it makes a loud noise. I took out $200 and the machine made this 'BLING" noise EVERYTIME it dropped a 20. By the time most of the money was out, I was feeling very uncomfortable. BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING BLING. I felt like I was in Vegas at the slot machines. If thats not bad enough, once all the money is ready it rings a bell to alert you to take your cash. It also alerts the thief that your wad of cash is now ready to be stolen the moment you leave the store and walk to your car.

Hows that for advertising?

The hopeful end to this bumpy ride

The last few days have been tumulteous to say the least. Yesterday morning's festivities included an all out screaming match, some much needed closure and even some self awareness thrown in for good measure.

I woke up yesterday very unsettled. As per usual ( as I was later informed) I had an agenda and cut right to the chase. I managed to unleashed my rage and fear on everyone that morning; S being my primary target. My weapon of choice ( always effective) is my mouth. My words cut deep and never being one to leave unfinished business I continued my tirade until I drew blood. After an hour, he blew. He said I was so predictable, that he was expecting this. Everytime I am faced with a personal challenge, I'm hellbent in going it alone. To facilitate this, I ensure my isolation by attacking anyone who wants to support me. I push everyone away by other cutting them off or berating them to the point where they chose to walk away.
He told me that he loved me passionately, wanted to spend his life with me, but if I continued along this path of destruction and isolated I was going to find myself an old, lonely woman. His words affected me deeply. Did I want that? Did I want to destroy everything? The biggest question was Why? Why this ritual of abusing the people closest to me? Why the desire for isolation in time of need?

I laid in bed yesteray morning after the blowup really disecting this question.
I don't really want to be alone, I know that. I am fueled by my family, I am humbled by their infinate love for me. I am overwhelemed with the enormous love I have for them. Why do I shun them?

Fear and control

I have deeply inbedded fears of rejection and by isolating myself, In my twisted mind, I can control the outcome. If I make them leave, if I force them to stop loving me, there will be no surprises. I'll see it coming and their final rejection will not come as such deadly blow. I don't trust that my love and commitment is enough to make them stay. Anyone who knows me intimately knowns how this ugly seed was sown.

In an emotional pre-hospital cuddle in my bed with everyone, I tearfully proclaimed how deeply I loved everyone and how I was trying so hard to accept that yes, they may actually love me as much as I love them. It must be difficult for them to digest that claim when my rages are never far away. I need to learn how to articulate my fear instead of reacting in defensive anger.

How does one learn that?

and finally...the diagnosis

Its not cancer and its not a cyst.

It's Fibroadenomas

A fibroadenoma is a noncancerous solid breast mass typically found in women under the age of 25 ( although obviously it can occur in older women) with lean body mass and/or low body fat. Basically, its a collection of fat and glands which has fused and hardened in the body's attempt to keep it from metabolizing. Consider it effective fat storage. It poses no future risk of breast cancer and whether to remove it is a decision you can make with your Doctor.

Can I get back to my regular scheduled living now please? The last 3 weeks have been an unwelcomed roller coaster and I'm SO ready to exit the ride