Wow! I’m late…Sorry about that. 2009 snuck in under my nose and I didn’t write anything , not one mention of the new year. I could give you an impressive albeit generic list of resolutions but everyone knows that by spring, the list has vanished both literally and metaphorically. No one keeps New Years resolutions; no one. I don’t make resolutions. I detest failing. I like to focus on what I learned the year before and how I can apply that knowledge in the New Year to help me further evolve. Here is my short list;
What made me happy in 2008?
What made me sad in 2008?
What I would change in 2008?
What I would keep exactly the same?
The stories below are one of many. I go write forever about joyful moments or moments of sadness but my faithful readers likely wouldn’t be so faithful. They’d be sleeping. Instead, I offer a sample of each category
What made me happy in 2008?
Watching my grandfather’s younger brother walk in to the church at my Grandmother’s funeral. I hadn’t seen him in 25 years. He looked exactly like my Grandfather. I went to hug him, and to tell him how happy I was to see such a respect between brothers that almost 10 years after your brother’s death you still come to the funeral of his beloved wife. That is such Honor.
The Metcalfe Fair Derby for two reasons. We donated our old car to the high school and what they did to it was amazing. They had “area 51” painted on it with freaky colors. Also, every year one hockey team is chosen as the coveted charity drive team. You can make A LOT of cash at the derby for your team selling 50/50 tickets. We were all out there, wearing the team jersey’s . I was watching Scott yelling and waving tickets , selling the pitch , taking money, I thought that was very cool.. Good Daddy award,
The Enormous balls I seem to grow whenever I’m in his office , armed with information, confident, in control. I like the way he speaks to me.
The look in my daughter’s eyes when they dove into the blue ocean , sun bright above less than 6 hours after being in the cold snow. Fucking beautiful
It took forever, but my muscles are coming back.
The e-mail that arrived one cold February morning offering me the position at the firm, complete with attached employment contract.
The last meaningful conversation I had with my grandmother, a week before she died with my head resting on her lap. I will hold that memory dear forever
My wood stove. NOTHING gets you warmer, faster. 10 minutes down there and I’m blissfully sleepy and warmed to my bones.
How fast Jaden is learning to play Hockey and how good she is. She has a passion for it too. I’m over the moon proud.
What made me sad in 2008
The first time I realized Jesse wasn’t coming home. Unless you’ve experienced it first hand, no one can imagine the sheer horror, all consuming panic and deep sadness of not knowing where your child is. I have cried so much for her in 2008. I cried; mourning the loss of what she once was, I cried; in grief of the direction she was taking, I cried; raging over her pure selfishness, I cried in longing because above all, I miss my little girl.
Feeling abandoned by my Mother .. again…when she took off for Cuba knowing that I would be held completely responsible for every physical, legal, emotion and financial decision with regards to my grandmother.
The sadness in my daughter’s eyes when they felt like they lost their mom to the darkness. They endured 4 long months of their mom’s downward spiral
Comforting Drew when she tried her hardest to make the Triple A competitive team and was dropped halfway through tryouts. Explaining to her that sometimes even when you try your hardest, things don’t go your way. Tough life lesson to teach a 9 year old.
The day she died. I was in the hospital with her in the ICU while they were stabilizing her. She was severely dehydrated , her kidney’s were shutting down and they wanted to revive her. They wanted to put an IV in, give her fluids, bring her back. She looked at me
And said “No, No more” and then she prayed to the Virgin Mary to take her. This is when I told the Doctors about the DNR order and this is when they let her prepare to slip away on her own.
What would I change
Had I known she would die so fast in hospital, I would have taken her home. She would have died in my arms. That’s how it should have been
I never should have let Jesse go to school that morning. It was a big argument and it was never really resolved. We should have worked it out, held each other, healed each other. Instead I sent her to school, and I lost her.
I should have asked for help when it got too dark. I shouldered it alone. I didn’t want to appear weak. My family suffered the most for it.
What would I keep exactly the same
The utter insanity of my life. It’s my life, I own it and I love it just the way it is. My life is crazy but I feel alive and productive. This chaos makes me feel safe and needed. A part of something real.
The current arrangement of my career. I know a good thing when I have it. I’m making a decent living, working from home on my own terms for a firm that appreciates what I do and a client that pays very well for the service he receives. I don’t miss a thing. I can meet work deadlines AND watch Drew kick some ass at the school Volleyball tournament.
My relationship with my brother and sister. I’m always amazed. The three of us are best friends and the love between us is all encompassing. I am so thankful .
7 am hockey. Yes, I really mean it. I can appreciate the significance of those times. Dragging in the hockey bag while its still dark outside, the cold winter wind biting at your skin. Tying up little kids skates with hands that are stiff and cold. Sipping coffee in the stands watching....and smiling. Both of my girls play hockey. It doesn’t get much better that that. I am SO proud . 7 am practices is a very small price to pay.
My thoughts on aging. I’m turning 38 this year and I’m not afraid. I’m empowered. As I continue to grow I realize what’s significant and what isn’t. That epiphany changes everything . I do believe they call it wisdom. I like how my face looks, my eyes are brighter than ever. I’ve seen so much already. I like the strength of my body. It’s been through 3 wars and a lot of abuse . I don’t need to look 25 anymore. I’m over it.
My ever evolving lessons on love. Parental Love, Romantic Love, Self Love, Friendship Love. Every year I grasp it just a little bit more.
