Inconclusive

Inconclusive. I've decided I hate that word.

According to disctionary.com Inconclusive is defined as

1. not conclusive; not resolving fully all doubts or questions: inconclusive evidence.
2. without final results or outcome: inconclusive experiments.

According to Sandi, Inconclusive is defined as You don't have a fucking clue whats going on.

Inconclusive was stamped on my mammagram.

The Dr called me last night and told me this. The results were inconclusive. I retorted; What the hell does that mean? Does that mean you found nothing? Does that mean you found something but want a definate confirmation or does that mean you found something but it wasn't what you expected?

Again he says inconclusive. He has booked me in for a chest ex-ray and ultrasound
next Tuesday.

I'll keep my more intimate thoughts to myself...for now

More crap - Thanks Becka

[1] What is your middle name? Emine - pronounced Mena
[2] What color is your mailbox: Grey
[3] Last time you kissed someone: 3 kisses, 3 daughters, this morning
[4] Have you ever hit a deer? No but I've gutted one
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Two in fact
[6] Who checks the mail in your house? I do
[7] How many TVs are in your house? 3
[8] Do you know anyone with the same ring tone as you? Nope
[9] What do you do first in the morning? Crawl to the kitchen for java
[10] What brand is your printer? HP
[11] Do you enjoy fighting with people? I hate fighting
[12] Is your hair naturally straight or curly? Bone stright
[13] Who was your kindergarten teacher? Mrs. Humphfries
[14] Are you taller than your mother? No. She's 5'4, I'm 5'2
[15] Do you have a favorite word? Shit
[16] Are you good? Behaviour-wise? I try not to be
[17] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Sports
[18] Do you have a deep dark secret? Three I can think of
[19] Drink of choice: Timothy's coconut coffee
[20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? umm sure
[21] Does anything on your body hurt? My right shoulder. I should have taken the night off from training
[22] Do you often cry during movies? Very rarely
[23] Do you hate your life? Noooo. I love my life
[24] Number of pets: 1. Lara my canine beauty
[25] Are there any animals that scare you? Pitbulls and Moose
[26] Do you get mad easily? Yes, I have a Turkish Temper
[27] Can’t wait for? Sept 29th
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve? Liars
[29] Favorite song: Currently- Land of Confusion by Disturbed
[31] Weather outside: Overcast and cool
[32] Most attractive quality about you: Strength, Intelligence
[33] You’re in the mood for? A cup of coffee, blanket and a movie
[34] Do any of your friends have kids? Yes
[35] If you could have a threesome with any 2 celebrities, who? Dallas Smith and
Ian Thornley
[36] Do you have any friends? one or two
[37] Do you have any mean friends? No. They have the patience of a Saint to be my friend
[38] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Fushia pink
[39] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn’t stand? Yes I have.
[40] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? Never
[41] Have you ever been fired from a job? Many times as a kid
[42] What year was your house built? 1985
[43] When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Christmas 2005
[44] What brand are the pant/jeans you’re wearing? Today? Guess Jeans low rise
[45] How tall are you? 5’2”
[46] What is the closest green object? Sharpie marker
[47] What is on your feet? Black leather flats
[48] Do you always wear underwear? I never wear underwear
[49] Do you want to have kids? I have them
[50] Who is the last person who you would expect to be gay? My brother
[51] Do you know how to draw? Like a pre-schooler, yes
[52] What’s your mother’s middle name? Renee
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw: Final Destination III, although I loved the bake the barbi dolls in the tanning bed scene.
[54] Do you collect comic books? YES! Classic Illustrated
[55] Do you look like your dad? A little
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? Nope
[57] Are you wearing make up? Mascara and Dr Pepper Lip gloss
[58] Do you have a tattoo? I have 5
[59] You win the lottery and you: Give 1/2 to charity and open my own company
[60] How many pairs of underwear do you have? Not many now, maybe 15 pairs
[61] Are you hungry at the moment? No
[62] Favorite movie of all time: The Color Purple

The Phone Call

Ring Ring

A younger man answers, lots of teenage chatter in the background

" Hello asshole. Enjoy the movie last Tuesday?"

Dead silence

Who is This?

" You should know. You have my ID"

I have no idea who you are or what you're talking about

" Well, I have a credit card receipt that says differently"

Huh?

" Yeah, Isn't that fucking classic? What kind of idiot uses a stolen credit card to call his buddy and invite him to a movie paid for by that stolen credit card"

What credit card?

"MY credit card you fuck"

Whispers in the background..muffled

Well, I have lots of friends calling me. I have no idea

" uh huh. If I were you, I'd hang up the phone and kick the shit out of your friend for implicating you in a crime"

How did you find me..I mean how are you calling me before the Police???

"The marvels of new age technology . Ain't it grand? I know everything about you.
Where you live, where you work, your name, your age. Its quite amazing really"

This is harrassment

" Laughing... Oh Baby, you don't know harrassment. Once I've called you at home in the middle of the night 5, 10 times THEN it's harrassment. Then again, what are you going to do? Call the Police? I think not"

This isn't funny. You ruined my whole weekend.

" My heart bleeds. You ruined my week when you ripped me off. Now, its my turn. You weren't too bright though. Using a stolen card at a gas station where everyone KNOWS there are cameras. Using a stolen credit card at a movie theatre where the cameras are in plain view. I have footage from the theatre, nice and clear. When I'm finished with you, the police are getting it, but not yet"

What do you want? Why are you doing this

" Because I can. Because you ripped off the wrong fucking person. Because there were things in that wallet that were of no value to you but they were of enormous value to me." Thats why. Watch your back. You never know where I'll be

Hangs Up


I can't imagine how he was feeling. Having the lady you ripped off calling you on the phone. I wish I could have seen his facial expressions. I will.I'm not done yet. I have one more plan. I'm going to have someone call him Monday. This is so and so from the Police Dept. Your number has shown up on a stolen credit card receipt and although not a suspect at this time, we'd like to ask some
questions. Please come to the station at such and such address for 2 pm
I can see it now. He'll show up, ask for the officer who doesn't exist. Then what?
He's stuck. He can't say anything. He can't tell the officer why he's really there.
His pants are down and he'll have to do some quick thinking on the spot. Of course I'll be close by observing with utter delight.

Hell hath no fury...

Like a woman who's credit card was stolen and racked up.

I mentioned last week that my wallet was stolen. I took all the appropriate steps
like cancelling my credit cards, bank cards license etc... Before I started I checked my balances online. In the 2 hours it took for me to get home and cancel my card, my credit card wasn't used...or so I thought. I discovered today when I received my new card that it had been used. In fact, they maxed it out. The credit card company assured me that I wasn't liable and to file a police report. I printed a copy of the unauthorized transactions and noted the following

The movies
A gas station
A phone call

The phone call caught my eye. The actual number they called was listed on my credit card summary. It was a substantial clue. They don't call me Dora the Explorer for nothing. I took a copy of the fraudulant transactions to the Police Dept where I filed my report. Although pleasant and respectful, the intake officer was utterly useless. I gave him my personal info and then offered him my 'proof' He didn't even look at it. He told me that anything under $100,000 typically won't get investigated at all. There is just too much of a backlog. He told me I should be thankful that the credit card company is not charging me for the purchases. Well,
thanks for the assurance officer however, let me offer my opinion. This person(s)
has my wallet which contains everything about me. They know my name, where I work, where I live, where I bank, where I shop. This is not cool. I'm not at ease when I don't know who has this much information about me. It might be a punk kid who thinks they struck gold or it could be someone else with an agenda far more dangerous then going to the movies using my card. I told the officer that filing my paperwork in the abyss wasn't acceptable to me. I'm taking matters in my own hands

I called the office and told them I was taking an extended lunch. Then, I started tracking. The gas station was useless. They send the receipts off already, the video tape is erased once a week ( which was yesterday) Short of exact times the card was used, they could offer no extra help. I wrote down the times and off I went to the movie theatre. Here, I had a stroke of luck. A huge stroke. The entire puzzle came together here. This is what happened

3:15 - They purchase many, MANY movie tickets using my card
3:20 - They make a phone call ( assumingly to invite more people)
3:30 - They drive to the gas station 2 km's down the road and fill a tank of gas
3:34 - At the same station they filled a second tank of gas
3:47 - Back at the movie theatre, they purchased even more tickets and food to feed
everyone

The manager of the theatre was very helpful. He pulled the log and was able to give me exact times they used the kiosk to purchase tickets. They he looked at the video surveilance tapes at the same time of the transactions and voila...there are the fuckers that stole my wallet. He offered me his business card and # of the tape.

Now, only one piece left. The phone number. This took a bit of work but I traced it to a cell phone with a certain phone company. Its my lucky day. I know someone who works for this company and I got an account name and address.

I'm going back to the Police station tonight. I did their job for them. Now, they can take the next step.

Not quite yet. I have one task left. I'm going to call the number. Maybe a few times. I'm going to enjoy mind fucking them. I'm going to enjoy calling them by name, detailing where they went and what time . I'm going to ask them if they enjoyed the movie. Yes, I have that information too. I'll be certain to let them know what they look like too.

They fucked with the wrong girl.

Ignorance is bliss ..and eternal

Saturday, I played taxi and took my mini me to her best friends birthday party. While awaiting the arrival of the birthday boys, I was sitting next to another mom who's child was also attending the party. A Muslim woman, around my age strides by. She is quite lovely; beautiful eyes, a dark hued Hijab on her head. The woman sitting besides me shakes her head and leans in to whisper to me. This is what she says;

"Thats such a shame that 'they' do that to 'those' women. Those poor women forced to wear that veil. How degrading for them. I'm angry at our government for not sending troops to Iraq to 'save' them" They deserve to be educated and free and not have to wear that on their head"

I stared at her for a second, then looked at my surroundings, then stared back at her. It was not the place, nor the time for an honest reply to her astoundingly ignorant commentary. I stayed silent. This is what I really wanted to say

I wanted to tell her that the Muslim woman was likely staring back at her, feeling such sorrow that she is slave to her Jimmy Shoo designer shoes and impeccibly coiffed hair. She feels pity that her Western 'sister' spends her life on a diet, constantly berating her thighs and ass, injecting poisons in her flesh to make it look unnaturally younger. Invasive operations that jam foreign materials in her chest for the 'perfect' breasts. Staring with desperate envy at models and movie stars, desperately wanting to be that iconic size 2. She is prisoner of her own body and soul.

I wanted to tell her that Muslim women are amoung the highest educated in the world.
Baghdad University hosts some on the finest female Doctors,Lawyers and Engineers
paid for by the Government.

I wanted to tell her that there is nothing degrading about giving yourself to God. and really understanding that women were placed on this earth for a much higher purpose than enticing men with our tight t-shirts and whore red lipstick. Its western women that are degraded. Every time you see a woman who looks like she escaped Sobibor death camp, weak and sickly looking being glorified in a magazine, thats degradation. Degradation is how Western Law affects Women and children. Rob a bank with a weapon and you get life in prison, Rape a woman or molest a child, get
10 years or none at all if you can prove she was asking for it via her slutty clothes and sexual demeanor, which coincidently a fashion magazine last week told her was a 'must have".

What I really wanted to tell her was sometimes It's I who is envious of the Muslim woman who wears the Hijab. I'm also ashamed. Ashamed that I have been brainwashed by the Western ideaology of beauty. I'm ashamed that I believe some of my power is enhanced by my physical beauty and if I wore a Hijab, I'd simply blend in. I might even be insignificant.

I have degraded myself.


To the Muslim woman at the birthday party; I honor you. I honor you because you have the self respect, the courage and the strength to be exactly who you are and not be reliant on the affimation of others. It is us that are oppressed, not you.

That small little lump

That can change the course of your life in mere seconds.

Its the size of an almond, on the bottem of my left breast. The discovery was interesting. Everyone was piled on my bed as per usual, talking over each other excitedly about their day at school. I was casually doing my monthly breast exam
while discussing gym shoes, peanut free snacks and picture day when my fingers glided across a bump. HALT. Back over the bump...and again..and again. Yes, there is definately something there. I nudge him. Do you feel something? He does. He looks at me with a look I'll never forget. It was something to the effect of...no, this can't be happening. My eldest reaches out and touches. Under any other circumstance, it would have been comical. The family taking turns scientifically squeezing my breast as though it was a ripe melon at the grocery store. It wasn't amusing however. It was silent. Eerie silence for a moment and he says to me; The Doctors office opens at 8. Call at 8:01. I did and they scheduled me for an appt Sept 15th, today.
The week was filled with a combination of uncomfortable jokes (by me) nervous apprehension ( carefully concealed) and a few startling revelations ( again by me)
I'm dramatic. Everyone who knows me is aware the crown sits comfortably on my head.
This was my forum and I wasn't going to let anyone down by actually being level headed. Revelation number 1. If I have breasts cancer, I'm not fucking around. I wouldn't think twice about a double mastectomy and a hit of radiation. My breasts have long since served their purpose. They nourished 3 babies and have provided many years of pillow comfort for a sick childs little cheek. They don't define me as a woman and they aren't significant to me. My heart beating is significant to me.
Revelation number 2. Should this be the beginning of a long journey to wellness, I need to do it alone. I will not have my family stand by helplesly while I suffer through battle. This revelation was met with great resistance and a good, healthy screaming match. How could I be so self absorbed he asked? How could I just cut people off he asked. I don't see it that way. I don't want to be fodder for sympathy. I don't want them to see me bent over a toilet bowl or watch as I brush clumps of falling hair from my head. They can never forget who I was before.

Somewhere, mid week we all collectively decided it was merely a cyst. Call it denial, call it survival but by Wednesday, all 'C' related chatter ceased. I quietly went to my appt today and reminded no-one. The appt lasted a total of 15 minutes.

The Doctor poked, he prodded, he moved the bump between his fingers and frowned.
He looked at me and said; I don't like this bump and I'm scheduling a mammogram and ultrasound. The good news is that its early and very surface,
We can deal with this.

We can deal with this he says. I liked that. We..together..joint effort. Then it hit me. What an idiot I am. My brain scanned back to the screaming match earlier this week and the lightbulb went on.
This isn't just about me. This is about at the very least 8 people. Eight people who I matter to. Eight people who aren't in a rush to lay the wreath at my grave. Eight people that I need to be honest with about the current situation. Eight people whom I need to reach out to.

I learned something monumental this morning. If it's God's will, the mammogram will show nothing more than a cyst but regardless of outcome the lesson has already been learned. I need them and they need
me.

I'm okay right now. I'm just going to continue on with my crazy, tumulteous, amazing little life . Next Friday will come soon enough and whatever happens, we'll deal with it. We.

Have you ever...

felt that you're being tested? I'm not a huge believer in precise destiny or that everything happens for a reason. Some events or circumstances are simply random, but when seemingly random events link one after the other and it's all dark, you can't help but consider the possibility that you're being tested. Tested for what? Strength? Perserverence? Sanity? This I don't know. This is what I know today

1. Work is particularily stressful this week.
2. The return to school schedule is exhausting
3. It's hunting season and I feel invisable
4. I have a lump on my left breast and I've already planned my funeral
5. I lost my wallet today. My entire life was in that wallet

I am thankful for two things. I'm thankful I don't drink. I'd be in a ditch by now.
I'm thankful for the insight I have knowing that this will end.
My helmet is snug.

Gods Cruel Joke

It takes us the better part of 30 years to figure it all out. Who we are, what we need and most important, why we're here. After forks in the road and some catastophic veering left when you should have gone right, you finally arrive at that place of painfully acquired knowledge. How are we rewarded? ...by the sudden realization that we're very likely halfway through life. For some, its going to be alot shorter than that. Halfway. The finaility of that is dismal. I can't go back, I can't grasp a few of those moments, I can't change the past. Not that I want to.
I have always believed that we are a product of our experiences. Your strengths, your knowledge, your perceptions are born of experience. Touch the stove enough times and you learn that its hot and don't do that. It was painful, you might even have ugly scars, but you've learned. You've evolved. Its one thing to say you wouldn't go back, you wouldn't change the past. Its another story entirely to forgive the past. Take the spiritual nutrients you need and move forward. Too many people hang on. They hang on to hurt,rejection, betrayl. These lessons are ugly, but they weren't meant to cage us emotionally for life. They weren't meant to use as excuses for being stagnant or repeating the mistakes towards another person, falling back on the " it happened to me' excuse.

I'm thinking about one particular person as I write this. I believe she is the reason I believe in forgiveness, karma, spiritual growth and above all unconditional love. She wounded me, badly. She altered the course of my life. Her choices forced me to learn life lessons too young. While the scars have faded, they run deep. The experiences left baggage. Airport luggage cart's worth of baggage.

I forgave. I mean I REALLY forgave. By my early 30's I decided it was time to stop
bleeding. I understood that her life experiences, her journey, her choices were hers alone and lessons were to be learned from that. It was never about 'me' I was just the unfortunate victim by circumstance. To truly comprehend that is an enormous weight off my shoulders and flings open the door to huge huge growth.

I hate to watch her suffer. She has paid..and paid..and paid.. for those mistakes and she continues to be haunted by karma because unfortunately, she cannot learn the lessons. If I had not forgiven and moved forward I may have derived sadistic pleasure from her pain. I don't. It breaks my heart. The irony is truly baffling.
Maybe it isn't irony at all. Maybe it was supposed to come full circle like that.
The one person she hurt the most in the end is the one person that has stood by her side.

This folks, is a example of why we just cannot be here on this planet merely to eat, sleep, fuck and die. There is just so much more

Where is the line?

I love clothes. Anyone who knows me is very aware of this fact. I would spend my very last dime on clothing. When faced with the choice of clothes or food, my little Jiminy Cricket whispers in my ear; Sandi, its a proven fact that a human can survive for at least 10 days without food, but this sale on cargo pants ends Saturday. The choice is obvious. I love colors and fabrics and buttons and zippers. Pop culture fashion both facinates and repels me (think legwarnmers) My daughter calls me Bo-ho which apparently means I dabble in everything. This is true. One day I'll wear a linen skirt, silk blouse and sling back heels to work and the next day, its faded jeans, chuck taylors and a worn t-shirt. Luckily, I'm afforded the option of dressing how I please at work. My clothing calaboration is always a percise match to my mood. Being moody and tempermental, it only makes sense that I'd have such a wide array of choices. I went to visit mom yesterday. We had planned on shopping so I dressed accordingly. When I walked in, she gave me the once over and laughed. She asked me why I was wearing such ugly shoes - zoom in the paprika colored Coonverse- and then she dropped the bomb. Well, she says ...If I'm 60 dressing 40, I suppose it's okay that you're 35 dressing 20.

Blinks.

I dress 20? I wasn't aware that there were age restrictions on cargo's and converse. My initial reaction was defensive. I dress how I please mom. I dress in what makes me feel comfortable. I like leggings and sweats and jeans and cargos and cute t-shirts and hoodies and converse and Harley boots. When I turned 35 was I supposed to trade these in for polyester pant suits and Dr Scholls shoes? Jeans with elastic waists and cross your heart 18 hour bras?

Oh God, just shoot me now.

and here lies the problem.

I want to dress the way I want. I want to feel comfortable and stylish. I want my clothing to reflect who I am.

What I don't want is to become one of 'those' people. You all know who 'those' people are. Just open up a supermarket trash mag and the pages are full of 'those' people. They are middle aged folk, desperately grasping to their youth by way of short skirts, braided pig tails and Hello Kitty Flip Flops. You feel bad for them.
You want to wrap them up in a Sears Sweater Coat and tell them its okay to cover your knees now. They dress ridiculously young for their age and you feel embarrassed for them.

Where is that line and how do I ensure I don't cross it?

Do I really have to grow up Mom? So soooooooon?

A Whole Lot of Useless Crap

Filler…Until the creative bugs attacks me

What you definitely know about me

1. I am 5’2. Pant lengths are always a challenge
2. I am 116 pounds
3. I currently have short hair. Huge mistake
4. Waxing my eyebrows is an absolute necessity
5. I have magazine teeth according to my dentist
6. I have blue/green eyes
7. I have a small mole on my neck that drives me crazy
8. I wear size 6.5 shoes
9. I gave up underwear. Commando is the only way to go
10. I am a horrible driver and get flipped off regularly.
11. The breast fairy completely missed my house.
12. I detest the color purple.
13. I chew my nails. It’s a vile habit I’ll never give up
14. I love Armani. I wear Armani Mania, Sensei and Emporium
15. I have 5 tattoos. All but one are Arabic symbols and each have significant meaning to
me.
16. I wear glasses on occasion
17. Weight training is a passion for me.
18. I don’t wear jewellery, only a watch
19. I hate makeup. I wear mascara and lip gloss only
20. I still get pimples regularly
21. My favourite Take Out Food is Subway’s Roasted Chicken with extra onions and
BBQ sauce
22. I hate socks
23. And bras
24. Torture for me would be being forced to jump in a murky lake at night

What you might know about me

1. I have a scar behind my knee from a motorcycle mishap
2. My father and I are estranged. That makes me sad.
3. My best friend was my grandfather. He died 7 years ago.
4. My nickname is Freddy, given to me by my grandfather.
5. I am very close to my brother and sister. They are my best friends
6. I love snowboarding but I’m horrified of the chairlift. I have to force myself every time.
7. My ancestors were Russian Turks.
8. I was hit by a car at age 12 and was hospitalized for 2 weeks.
9. My first love was Paul. I was 14 and he was 16.
10. The first time I got drunk I threw up on a boyfriend who was serenading me with a
Guitar playing Stairway to heaven
11. I had my heart broken at age 18. It was devastating and I went to therapy.
12. I wanted to be an OB/GYN but became an accountant instead.
13. I love dogs, but I’m scared of them. I own big dogs to combat my fear of them.
14. I have functional OCD.
16. I love my job. I’m a serious Math nerd.
17. I was on the short list for the 1984 Canadian Olympic Team in gymnastics.
18. My favourite Mens cologne is Dolce and Gabanna
19. I shop at 3 stores . The Gap, Jacob and Urban Behavior
20. The best gift I could ever receive would be a sky lit walk in closet
21. I have played Hockey since I was 12. I’ll play until I’m in a wheelchair
22. The only bug I’m afraid of are earwigs.
23. I don’t like alcohol, except the occasional glass of wine or bailey’s.
24. I have a crush on Dallas Smith, lead singer of Default.
25. My favourite shoes are my black Harley boots and brown Converse high tops
26. My first car was a Suzuki Swift.
27. My best friends in Highschool were Jimmy and Craig.
28. Craig and I dated secretly for a year
29. His brain made me insane. He was brilliant and I loved it.

What You Don’t Know

1. I’m afraid of being unemployed and broke.
2. Financial Independence is very important to me
3. I cry when I weight train.
4. I’m thankful to God for my healthy body and thankful to myself for my discipline
5. I miss my grandfather very very much
6. Nobody has ever loved me as much as he did.
7. I have a very difficult time making friends. I’m very guarded.
8. I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I crave companionship.
9. I am very attracted to rugged men who work with their hands.
10. I’m very primal when it comes to desire
11. I shop for clothes at least twice a week.
12. Touching fabrics and trying on clothes is almost sensual for me
13. I am very moody
14. I become enraged when I feel I’m not being heard
15. I am very thankful to be alive
16. I don’t take anything in my life for granted.
17. I don’t fear aging
18. I’m at peace with the life process and my inevitable wrinkles and grey hair


Quirks

1. I sit on the counter with my feet in the sink when I get ready in the morning
2. I drive with my left foot propped on the seat, always barefoot in summer
3. I eat the same breakfast and lunch 7 days a week. Dinner is my only variance.
4. I actually prefer a treadmill over running outside.
5. I am a control freak at work
6. I talk to myself all the time..outloud.
7. If I wasn’t afraid of prison I’d be a kleptomaniac
8. I’m neurotic about my closet and can’t sleep at night if its not perfectly organized
9. I enjoy my own company immensely. Probably too much.
10. My nicknames at work are Biff ( because of my tats) and Skippy ( The Character from Family Ties who always matched his shirt to his shoes. Yes I do this)


Fears

1. Lakes. I almost drowned when I was 10 in a lake and have been afraid ever since.
2. Gas BBQ’s. I’m afraid it will blow up when I light it.
3. Undignified Death.
4. Bees. Part allergy, part irrational fear.
5. Uncooked meat. One reason I went vegetarian. I can’t eat red meat unless its burnt.

Dreams & Fantasy

1. Healthy, thriving, successful daughters.
2. To be a female boxer and actually win a fight
2. To own a fully restored CJ Military Jeep
3. To live a very very long time
4. A continued spiritual path
5. My own business; personal trainer or clothing store