I know I'm not supposed to laugh but...

Remember the dog next door? The ugly bitch pug that he not so coincidently named Sandi?
Well, it got carried off by a Turkey Vulture , just plucked right from the back field. She became take-out for a nest of hungry baby vultures. I'm not laughing . That would be cruel, immature and insensitive - giggles uncontrollably-

My heart skip and a jump

She text messages me two days ago...

Mom, I miss you. Can we please see each other?

She wants to meet at our favourite restaurant downtown. The one with the great patio view and salad with pine nuts. I'm over the moon..and then scared. Control yourself Sandi..deep breaths.
She wants to have dinner... you can' t cry and blubber and beg her to come home...you can't duct tape her and throw her in the trunk...you can't smack her upside the head and tell her to stop being so stubborn.

We had a wonderful time. Dinner, some serious talking, a walk through the market in search of decadent gellato. It was heaven for me. She would catch me staring at her and I'd be warm all over. Thats my baby walking arm in arm with me.

Short version is; she misses her life. she realizes that she made some poor choices and never considered the consequences. She feels like she's caught in a downward spiral and knows this isn't what her life is supposed to be. Dear God I was cool as a cucumber. I nodded and squeezed her hand and told her I would do everything I could to help her figure it all out. Inside I was bursting with joy. This is a step, a huge step and she took it on her own. Dad is enabling her right now and although I don't judge him, I also don't think he has the capacity to help her crawl out of the hole by himself. She not ready to come home. She might never be ready. Her dad gives her free rein and she's not quite ready to give that up but she does want to rebuild with me. She does want to reach her hand out to me and let me help her. For now, she is going to see a psychologist once a week and she's going to spend time with her mommy again. This makes me unbelievably happy.

Thank You God. Thank You.

The long mile...

The long mile back to the land of the living. Its really has been a very long mile. Thinking back I knew it was coming. The calm before the storm was early last fall. I was anxious. I started looking over my shoulder ; metaphorically. Scott ask me why I was agitated and nervous. I told him that I felt a dark cloud coming towards us. For a few years it seemed like we were being gifted with steady good fortune. I started to feel like the pendulum wasn't balanced and like it or not, it was going to swing in the other direction. It did and when the direction did change it was fast and furious. November 2, 2007 to be exact. In all, seven months of storms. Sometimes it was relentless. I definately wasn't left unscathed. April was the month of deep depression. It was very frightening for me and on the days I was cursed ( or blessed?) with insight, I was truly horrified of my behavior. I was desperately trying to shove the people I loved most away. It was simply too exhausting and too much pressure to put up a happy front. I wanted everyone to go away so I could be withdrawn and depressed and full of rage and despair and not have to justify
it to ayone. I didn't want to have to be the emotionally strong mom or the happy wife. I couldn't be that person for months. All I wanted to do was survive . I lost my grndmother, I lost my daughter, I lost my sanity and worst of all, I lost my light

The light is starting to return. Its dim right now, but its starting to buzz with energy. Soon, it'll be very bright again.

I owe a great deal of my current climb back to my job. When I couldn't make that jaunt to work everyday, they supported me 100% . They made me feel like I was valued enough for them to compromise. I was permitted to work from home , given everything I needed to make the transition easier and offered alot of support. When my grnadmother passed, the senior partner called me in and asked if I wanted to remain in this current arrangement.
The client was happy, I was getting strong again and the company was still making a very decent gross profit margin off of me. Everyone was winning. So I was offered to remain in my current arrangement indefinately. I go in once a week for meetings etc but everything else is done through the remote server at home. I talk to the client daily, we are in constant contact via my blackberry. They are currently tendering another contract that they want to firm to handle. The firm who in turn wants to give it to me. All because one person, an older and very wise man respected my decision to walk away from my career to care for my beloved Queen.

I started working out again. I took over 3 months off and that didn't help the depression. At the time though, I couldn't focused on anything but making it through each day. Now I'm focused on strengthing my body again . I think thats an important part of recouperation.

Scott and my Doctor watch over me, content to allow me to fix this myself. I need to try and crawl back on my own. Thats always been my way. I don't know any other way. Besides, I feel like I have one more person looking out for me. She's this cute 91 year old chick with midget sized angel wings and the best toothless smile on heaven and earth. I miss her muchly.