The hopeful end to this bumpy ride

The last few days have been tumulteous to say the least. Yesterday morning's festivities included an all out screaming match, some much needed closure and even some self awareness thrown in for good measure.

I woke up yesterday very unsettled. As per usual ( as I was later informed) I had an agenda and cut right to the chase. I managed to unleashed my rage and fear on everyone that morning; S being my primary target. My weapon of choice ( always effective) is my mouth. My words cut deep and never being one to leave unfinished business I continued my tirade until I drew blood. After an hour, he blew. He said I was so predictable, that he was expecting this. Everytime I am faced with a personal challenge, I'm hellbent in going it alone. To facilitate this, I ensure my isolation by attacking anyone who wants to support me. I push everyone away by other cutting them off or berating them to the point where they chose to walk away.
He told me that he loved me passionately, wanted to spend his life with me, but if I continued along this path of destruction and isolated I was going to find myself an old, lonely woman. His words affected me deeply. Did I want that? Did I want to destroy everything? The biggest question was Why? Why this ritual of abusing the people closest to me? Why the desire for isolation in time of need?

I laid in bed yesteray morning after the blowup really disecting this question.
I don't really want to be alone, I know that. I am fueled by my family, I am humbled by their infinate love for me. I am overwhelemed with the enormous love I have for them. Why do I shun them?

Fear and control

I have deeply inbedded fears of rejection and by isolating myself, In my twisted mind, I can control the outcome. If I make them leave, if I force them to stop loving me, there will be no surprises. I'll see it coming and their final rejection will not come as such deadly blow. I don't trust that my love and commitment is enough to make them stay. Anyone who knows me intimately knowns how this ugly seed was sown.

In an emotional pre-hospital cuddle in my bed with everyone, I tearfully proclaimed how deeply I loved everyone and how I was trying so hard to accept that yes, they may actually love me as much as I love them. It must be difficult for them to digest that claim when my rages are never far away. I need to learn how to articulate my fear instead of reacting in defensive anger.

How does one learn that?

and finally...the diagnosis

Its not cancer and its not a cyst.

It's Fibroadenomas

A fibroadenoma is a noncancerous solid breast mass typically found in women under the age of 25 ( although obviously it can occur in older women) with lean body mass and/or low body fat. Basically, its a collection of fat and glands which has fused and hardened in the body's attempt to keep it from metabolizing. Consider it effective fat storage. It poses no future risk of breast cancer and whether to remove it is a decision you can make with your Doctor.

Can I get back to my regular scheduled living now please? The last 3 weeks have been an unwelcomed roller coaster and I'm SO ready to exit the ride