Chapter Two- Let it Flow

I didn't even get that much time with her. I'm still really bitter about that. I had it all planned out. I made up her room in warm earth tones with a window facing the east so she could see the sun rise every morning. I made her bed every morning, brought her fresh flowers almost daily, made her favourite meals, had tea every day with her. I was so looking forward to the summer with her. I knew that she would love to just swing on the back deck and look out onto the river in the evenings with the cool breeze against her cheek. It never happened, at least not the way I planned it. Later, the Doctors would tell me her blood work showed that something happened to accelerate her deterioration. A heart attack, a small stroke...at 91 it doesn't take much . In the meantime she also caught a cold she couldn't shake. She started falling alot, couldn't stay steady on her feet. She was dellusional and awake all night. She started wheezing alot. One early evening I was cuddling in bed with her, listening to the horrible rattle of her chest and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Sandi, I want to die now' . I just nodded and got up to tell Scott to leave me alone with her for awhile. I shut the door and laid back down beside her. I placed her rosary on her chest and held her hand tight and said " Ok, heres the deal. You have 30 minutes to die. If you don't die on your own in 30 minutes I have to take you to the hospital because I can't watch you suffer. I can't. She nodded and squeezed my hand. We laid there for what seem hours. After 30 minutes I whispered to her that we had to go now. I had to take her to a Doctor. She was never again in my home after that night.

Altogether, she was in the hospital for 3 weeks before she died. It was agony for me to see her like that. I started working from home so I could be there every day. I tried so hard to bring sunlight to her life. I wouldn't allow the nurses to take care of her intimate needs. She was such a proud woman and to have her rolled over like cattle to change her diaper would have killed her spirit. Everynight, I sponge bathed her like a queen. I made her feel pampered, not invalid. She gave me so much in return those last 3 weeks. I'll never be able to explain the deep love I felt for this woman. I would lay my head in her lap and just cry. I would tell her I loved her every moment I could and she would stare so deeply into my eyes and say 'I know Sandi, I've always known' . I would go home and cry for hours every night. I wanted to take her home. I wanted her to die in my arms but I couldn't. The rational side of me knew it wouldnt be healthy for the children to be around pending death 24/7. They deserved a reprieve, a safe place.. and that was their home. She started to deteriorate more every day, physically and mentally. One day when I arrived, she was in a chair crying. I held her and asked what was wrong. She told me that she was so sad because the day was coming when I'd visit and she wouldn't know who I was. I told her it was okay. Souls never forget each other. This was just her body breaking down. She never did end up forgetting me. Sometimes though, she would forget the time era. She would remember an occasion distinctly but I was 10, not 36 and she was talking to me accordingly.
She had me laughing so much sometimes....

I need a break