Trying to Coagulate

And here we go. Sandi is going to write how Sandi used to write. Just raw. Just real.

Toxicity surrounds me . I can feel the dark energy swirling around me. It’s so thick tonight I’m choking. I’m a big believer in energy. There are energies flowing constantly around us. Each person has their own energy, unique to them, almost like a fingerprint. It’s a compilation of our life experiences, our hopes, our fears, our flaws. Energies are best described in color . Reds are vibrant and full of life, blues are strong and affirmative, black is desolate, grey is sadness, yellow is peaceful , purples are curious, orange is a glowing passion...

I could best describe mine right now as grey with a little orange core that burns so bright it could be blinding. No one can see that because it’s surrounded in soupy grey and all you see is haze.

My birthday is in 2 days. I’m turning 39 years old. I think 39 is more monumental than 40 simply because you know it’s coming, that symbolic 4-0 and suddenly you look back on your life and you wonder how much of it really belonged to you. I don’t know if I ever really owned it. I’ve spent the first half of my life thus far just surviving and the second half I’ve spent trying to be what everyone wants me to be. With each year that passes I crack just a little more. The facade is impossible to keep up. Sometimes, the rage comes. It’s overwhelming and it’s scary . I scream alot during those times and still no one hears me. When you speak soft and no one hears you, it’s frustrating. When you scream loudly and no one hears you , it’s enraging. When you cry and no one hears you....well, things become alot more clear. You understand your position; Your importance , your value or lack of... to others. Just hit me in the head with a shovel 50 or 60 times and I get it.

I wanted it all. I wanted to write my own life story and be excited with every chapter. It’s just not turning out that way. I talk to God alot... When is my turn? When is it my turn for people to see ME, love ME, look after ME? I’ve bled myself dry to give to others . Maybe I was trying to earn love back in return. If I’m good enough. If I do everything just right will it finally be my turn? No. Instead they just take more. Its easier and safer to just hide away. I’m becoming more and more of an introvert as I get older. I just don’t trust peoples intentions anymore. The little girls are my life raft most days. I feel complete unconditional love from them. On the mornings when I’m blessed to have one in each arm as I wake up, I’m pretty sure I’m as close to heaven as I’m ever going to get. I’m so thankful for them. I live for them, I’d die for them, I feel peace when I’m with them.

I’m proud of my accomplishments. I have survived more than most could ever handle. I wear those scars with pride. I’ve crawled up from the ashes and rebuilt. My body is healthy and strong, my business is very successful. I continue to evolve and grow as a human being. Sometimes that journey is bumpy. Sometimes the road is covered in fragments of broken glass and you’re going barefoot. Does anyone have a bandaid please? I’m bleeding a little it seems.

When the grass is too green on the other side...

I have a friend who we'll call Mary. We all either have a friend like Mary or we know someone like Mary. Mary has lived a virtually perfect existence. The bumps in her road of life have to date been mere cracks in the asphalt, barely noticeable and most certainly not life altering. Mary is tall, lean, naturally blonde with blue eyes. On the surface, Mary is the woman most love to hate. Mary was a cheerleader in high school and had her pick of any boy she wanted. Her Friday nights were always booked. Boys were in love with her and girls wanted to emulate her. Her parents never divorced, she was close with her siblings, she was naturally gifted at school and played sports. Her parents were financially secure so she hand picked her University and landed the career of her dreams . She ultimately married the perfect man, bought a beautiful country home and is now expecting her first child.

What fascinates me about Mary is that even with everything else going for her, she is also one of the most spiritually evolved people I have ever met. Mary and I have spent hours nursing a bottle of Chardonnay on a patio in the summer discussing among other things spiritual evolution, reincarnation, the power of the super ego and the Id. We compare Jung to Freud, Christianity to Islam, Men to women and everything else controversial and relevant.

So one day over Mediterranean Pizza I asked her the million dollar question. Whats it like exactly to be perfect?

She threw her head back, laughed then looked me straight in the eye and replied... "Absolutely horrifying". I was perplexed. "How so?" I enquired.

Her answer re-enforced my view of this incredible journey we call life.

I'm actually envious of you she said.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

I checked her glass. Was she drunk? Feverish? Bump on her head?

She took a deep breath, filled our glasses and the words began to flow.

You have suffered, you have been vindicated, you have been blinded by darkness, resurrected by light, given birth, thrown the final handful of dirt on the grave of someone you loved, been taken for granted, been cherished, been rejected, been loved, been abandoned, been found. There is a common thread. For every wound you have suffered, your skin has healed, just a little tougher and a little more resilient than before. You emerge with more wisdom, more confidence in your abilities, more awareness of self.

She was quiet a moment and then she whispered; but what about me? I have never known any real pain. Never dealt with adversity, never had to draw strength from within.
Whats going to happen to me when something bad happens? I'm never going to survive.
I have soft, baby skin. I'm not going to know how to cope.

I never really looked at it that way but she made perfect sense. There is purpose in
pain, growth in adversity, strength in healing.

I know that as I grow and evolve I understand how vital it is to love and be loved, to take risks, to be selfish sometimes, To reach out for the impossible, grab it and claim it. To own your life, truly own it and live it.

I smiled and grabbed her hand tight. What I didn't say to her is that she need not worry. I have enough strength for both of us and I'd never let anything bad happen to her.

I want to be...

Fearless.

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.Fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable

Escape and Avoidance = My entire life story.

I Forgot To Breathe

for exactly 330 days, but really... who's counting.

Time and time again I'd start a blog post and then would feel completely overwhelmed. There has been so much change and I didn't know where to begin so I'd give up. Lately I've realized that I miss blogging. Beyond sharing my life with the few faithful readers I had, writing has always been a purging process for me. There was always such clarity when I'd return to read. My writing has always been brain directly to keyboard; an uninterrupted synopse. I dont censor my emotions here. Quite possibly the only place on earth I dont need to censor myself. This is what has drawn me back. Please be patient. I have to get my feet wet once more and I need to strip down the walls. It'll become familiar and comforting once again soon. For now, I'll leave you with a photo. My latest Tattoo, done 3 weeks ago. It speaks volumes of where I am in my life right now.

"Rage Against The Dying Of The Light"

Dylan Thomas meant it quite literally. "Do not go quietly into the night; rage against the dying of the light..." Fight to live was his message intended.

It has a much more spiritual meaning to me. The light represents passion, the desire to experience everything life offers us. It's about opening yourself wide, being vulnerable to yourself and to others. Absolute absorption. I've lost some of the depth. I want it back. I want me back. I'm claiming her .

It wouldnt be an authentic Sandi post without a cryptic message or two

* I know you've called a couple times at home. Truth is, I was standing right there, staring at the phone and I didn't pick it up. Why? Good question. I read the Facebook updates. You're settled, you're happy. So I dont pick up the phone. It's been my turn to watch you quietly behind the scenes this past year.

* This last year I've seen a depth to you that I never knew existed. I am SO in awe of the selfless choices you have made. Your sister needed you and you were there. Every single day you're there. We've recently been reconnecting and I'm thankful for that. I think there is a special place for us. Wherever it is, you're worth the effort to find it.

38 Years Old...

It doesn't seem that old. I remember when I was a kid and 38 seemed ancient. Now, not so much.

A couple of things did change for me over the last year. I found myself rummaging through my closet and tossing at least 50% of my clothes. Suddenly, the short camo skirt and faded skinny jeans no longer seemed appropriate for a woman turning 38. The bubblegum lipstick color and handmade ankle hemp cords were sent packing too. I also sat my man down and made him pinky promise that if I ever became *that* woman, he'd barricade the door and not let me out in public. You all know *that* woman. She's the woman in her late 30's or 40's that didn't get the memo on how short shorts and high heeled thong shoes are very not cool past the age of 25. You even get a 10 year grace period but if that crap isn't banished from your closet by 35, people WILL laugh at you behind your back. Now, I'm adjusting to my wardrobe of jeans or cargo's, t-shirts, hoodies and flip flops. Stylin...but not skanky. Well done.

The next thing I gave up was any sort of innocent flirting with younger men. Not that I have ever been a good flirt to begin with ( I ooze awkwardness and wouldn't know if I was being hit on if it smacked me upside the head) What was once cute and innocent now screams COUGAR. I hate that word. I really really hate that word. Whats worse? Cougar or MILF? I have a theory on those names but I'll save that for another day

I've surprised myself in how well I'm adjusting to this whole aging process. It doesn't scare me, in fact I find the whole thing amusing. You can't stop it, you can't turn back the time so you better acccept it. Go one step further and embrace it. Aging is beautiful. My body and my face tell so many stories. I have 38 years of life experience and I already have alot to say. At 38 I'm confident, I'm no longer concerned with the little things and I see the big picture much more clearly.
What more can you ask for?

Honestly, I like these changes. I like not being afraid to be assertive or take chances. I like making my own rules and not trying to please everyone. I like feeling comfortable in my skin

It was a good birthday

Thanks for the well wishes everyone

A mini update

The new company was officially launched Friday. Dollars and Sense Business Solutions is now up and running. I was at the firm on Friday to hand in my laptop, blackberry, keys etc and I stopped in to see a few people. H/R was first. They were wonderfully supportive and reminded me that I could come back to the firm anytime. I made it a priority to leave with the utmost professionalism and dignity. I always try hard to leave doors open behind me. It was a very positive exit, I must admit.

The last few weeks were tense and I was concerned it would get ugly. The firm kept coming back with counter offers and trying to convince me that staying with them was
the key to achieving balance in my career and family life. I was not happy when they threw the 'Mommy card' at me. I'm an intelligent person and I didn't make this decision lightly. I weighed every factor, envisioned worst case scenarios and ultimately made a decision that was right for me. I enjoyed the firm, very much and it's very possible that I'll find my way back someday. For now, I needed to try this new challenge of going it alone with the client.

Most important though; I'm on VACATION in three weeks!!!! We leave for Orlando on May 23rd and everyone is starting to get hyped. We rented a house in Clermont and it's quite lovely. The week includes trips to Disney, Universal Studios, Seaworld, Treasure Island, Aquatica etc...I have a camcorder and a digital camera so I'll have lots to share.

The home renovations are driving me crazy. The house is all clutter and it's diving my OCD over the edge. I know it'll be gorgeous when done but for now I'm ready to call in a steamroller and level the place.

You've now been updated.

My Calendar this week

I think I overbooked myself...

Sunday morning - Jaden Hockey School
Sunday night - Drew Little League Game
Monday- Drew Little League Game
Tuesday- Drew Lacrosse Game
Wednesday- Drew Hockey 4 on 4
Thursday - Jaden Little League/ Drew Locrosse
Friday- Drew Little League Practice
Saturday morning- Jaden Hockey School
Saturday afternoon - Jaden Little League

I coach little league, am a trainer for Lacrosse and work the bench for hockey.

Time to pee - Priceless

Sandi's Grossities...

Yes, some things really gross me out. Not an easy gig because I don't scare that easily. Have a laugh at me..or with me.

In no particular order...

1. Athletes foot. This is just gross. I want to vomit when I see someone doing the crazy itch dance with their flesh eaten toes..fungus..ick

2. Being the victim of a 'hotbox' , dead winter, no ventilation...For those who don't know; Hotbox = really stinky fart in a vehicle while the heats on and you can't open a window. It's death by ass vapour. Ewwww.

3 The Madagascar hissing cockroach, Mother Fucker! That is an insect to be feared!
I have only seen them in a museum.. behind glass and for that I am grateful. I'd lose my mind!

4. A Hairy Ass. I don't care who you are. A hairy ass is gross! Man, woman.. doesn't matter. Picture it; hot babe , big boobies, big lips, hot legs, hairy ass... WHOA!
Deal breaker! Hairy ass. Your ONLY chance is if she fell in love with you before the hair came. Women are blind in love.

5. A child who is sneezing and coughing all over you. Ok, this SUCKS! You want to freak.. you NEED to freak.. but you can't because poor baby is sick.

6. Raisans. Those who love em.. I don't get it. It's rotting, firmenting fruit.. whats the big deal??? I can't believe some people like them in cookies

7. Beaches that close due to high ecoli levels.. from feces. Wow! Have we fucked up our planet that much?

8. Outhouses. Never gonna happen for me. This image is burned in my head. Going to the washroom in a public outhouse at some big event.. a concert, whatever..it's getting full.. but you have to go...and you sit..and the backsplash of thousands of peoples combined feces land on your ass . I'm convulsing

Last but not least.. the grossest thing EVER!

My male dog fellating himself...I can't begin to explain the revulsion. I want him fixed. I gave S the speech.."be a responsible pet owner..spray/neuter your dog!; He replies "slow down there Bob Barker! you aren't cutting off his nuts.. what did he ever do to you? I have to hear this song and dance regularily.. and in the end, the damn dog gets to keeo his nuts..and gross me out for another day