Frontal Lobe

Trying to Coagulate

2010-05-13T21:11:00.002-04:00

And here we go. Sandi is going to write how Sandi used to write. Just raw. Just real.

Toxicity surrounds me . I can feel the dark energy swirling around me. It’s so thick tonight I’m choking. I’m a big believer in energy. There are energies flowing constantly around us. Each person has their own energy, unique to them, almost like a fingerprint. It’s a compilation of our life experiences, our hopes, our fears, our flaws. Energies are best described in color . Reds are vibrant and full of life, blues are strong and affirmative, black is desolate, grey is sadness, yellow is peaceful , purples are curious, orange is a glowing passion...

I could best describe mine right now as grey with a little orange core that burns so bright it could be blinding. No one can see that because it’s surrounded in soupy grey and all you see is haze.

My birthday is in 2 days. I’m turning 39 years old. I think 39 is more monumental than 40 simply because you know it’s coming, that symbolic 4-0 and suddenly you look back on your life and you wonder how much of it really belonged to you. I don’t know if I ever really owned it. I’ve spent the first half of my life thus far just surviving and the second half I’ve spent trying to be what everyone wants me to be. With each year that passes I crack just a little more. The facade is impossible to keep up. Sometimes, the rage comes. It’s overwhelming and it’s scary . I scream alot during those times and still no one hears me. When you speak soft and no one hears you, it’s frustrating. When you scream loudly and no one hears you , it’s enraging. When you cry and no one hears you....well, things become alot more clear. You understand your position; Your importance , your value or lack of... to others. Just hit me in the head with a shovel 50 or 60 times and I get it.

I wanted it all. I wanted to write my own life story and be excited with every chapter. It’s just not turning out that way. I talk to God alot... When is my turn? When is it my turn for people to see ME, love ME, look after ME? I’ve bled myself dry to give to others . Maybe I was trying to earn love back in return. If I’m good enough. If I do everything just right will it finally be my turn? No. Instead they just take more. Its easier and safer to just hide away. I’m becoming more and more of an introvert as I get older. I just don’t trust peoples intentions anymore. The little girls are my life raft most days. I feel complete unconditional love from them. On the mornings when I’m blessed to have one in each arm as I wake up, I’m pretty sure I’m as close to heaven as I’m ever going to get. I’m so thankful for them. I live for them, I’d die for them, I feel peace when I’m with them.

I’m proud of my accomplishments. I have survived more than most could ever handle. I wear those scars with pride. I’ve crawled up from the ashes and rebuilt. My body is healthy and strong, my business is very successful. I continue to evolve and grow as a human being. Sometimes that journey is bumpy. Sometimes the road is covered in fragments of broken glass and you’re going barefoot. Does anyone have a bandaid please? I’m bleeding a little it seems.

When the grass is too green on the other side...

2010-04-28T18:05:00.004-04:00

I have a friend who we'll call Mary. We all either have a friend like Mary or we know someone like Mary. Mary has lived a virtually perfect existence. The bumps in her road of life have to date been mere cracks in the asphalt, barely noticeable and most certainly not life altering. Mary is tall, lean, naturally blonde with blue eyes. On the surface, Mary is the woman most love to hate. Mary was a cheerleader in high school and had her pick of any boy she wanted. Her Friday nights were always booked. Boys were in love with her and girls wanted to emulate her. Her parents never divorced, she was close with her siblings, she was naturally gifted at school and played sports. Her parents were financially secure so she hand picked her University and landed the career of her dreams . She ultimately married the perfect man, bought a beautiful country home and is now expecting her first child.

What fascinates me about Mary is that even with everything else going for her, she is also one of the most spiritually evolved people I have ever met. Mary and I have spent hours nursing a bottle of Chardonnay on a patio in the summer discussing among other things spiritual evolution, reincarnation, the power of the super ego and the Id. We compare Jung to Freud, Christianity to Islam, Men to women and everything else controversial and relevant.

So one day over Mediterranean Pizza I asked her the million dollar question. Whats it like exactly to be perfect?

She threw her head back, laughed then looked me straight in the eye and replied... "Absolutely horrifying". I was perplexed. "How so?" I enquired.

Her answer re-enforced my view of this incredible journey we call life.

I'm actually envious of you she said.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

I checked her glass. Was she drunk? Feverish? Bump on her head?

She took a deep breath, filled our glasses and the words began to flow.

You have suffered, you have been vindicated, you have been blinded by darkness, resurrected by light, given birth, thrown the final handful of dirt on the grave of someone you loved, been taken for granted, been cherished, been rejected, been loved, been abandoned, been found. There is a common thread. For every wound you have suffered, your skin has healed, just a little tougher and a little more resilient than before. You emerge with more wisdom, more confidence in your abilities, more awareness of self.

She was quiet a moment and then she whispered; but what about me? I have never known any real pain. Never dealt with adversity, never had to draw strength from within.
Whats going to happen to me when something bad happens? I'm never going to survive.
I have soft, baby skin. I'm not going to know how to cope.

I never really looked at it that way but she made perfect sense. There is purpose in
pain, growth in adversity, strength in healing.

I know that as I grow and evolve I understand how vital it is to love and be loved, to take risks, to be selfish sometimes, To reach out for the impossible, grab it and claim it. To own your life, truly own it and live it.

I smiled and grabbed her hand tight. What I didn't say to her is that she need not worry. I have enough strength for both of us and I'd never let anything bad happen to her.

I want to be...

2010-04-03T23:06:00.003-04:00

Fearless.

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.Fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable

Escape and Avoidance = My entire life story.

I Forgot To Breathe

2010-03-30T19:07:00.000-04:00

for exactly 330 days, but really... who's counting.

Time and time again I'd start a blog post and then would feel completely overwhelmed. There has been so much change and I didn't know where to begin so I'd give up. Lately I've realized that I miss blogging. Beyond sharing my life with the few faithful readers I had, writing has always been a purging process for me. There was always such clarity when I'd return to read. My writing has always been brain directly to keyboard; an uninterrupted synopse. I dont censor my emotions here. Quite possibly the only place on earth I dont need to censor myself. This is what has drawn me back. Please be patient. I have to get my feet wet once more and I need to strip down the walls. It'll become familiar and comforting once again soon. For now, I'll leave you with a photo. My latest Tattoo, done 3 weeks ago. It speaks volumes of where I am in my life right now.

"Rage Against The Dying Of The Light"

Dylan Thomas meant it quite literally. "Do not go quietly into the night; rage against the dying of the light..." Fight to live was his message intended.

It has a much more spiritual meaning to me. The light represents passion, the desire to experience everything life offers us. It's about opening yourself wide, being vulnerable to yourself and to others. Absolute absorption. I've lost some of the depth. I want it back. I want me back. I'm claiming her .

It wouldnt be an authentic Sandi post without a cryptic message or two

* I know you've called a couple times at home. Truth is, I was standing right there, staring at the phone and I didn't pick it up. Why? Good question. I read the Facebook updates. You're settled, you're happy. So I dont pick up the phone. It's been my turn to watch you quietly behind the scenes this past year.

* This last year I've seen a depth to you that I never knew existed. I am SO in awe of the selfless choices you have made. Your sister needed you and you were there. Every single day you're there. We've recently been reconnecting and I'm thankful for that. I think there is a special place for us. Wherever it is, you're worth the effort to find it.

38 Years Old...

2009-05-16T09:42:00.000-04:00

It doesn't seem that old. I remember when I was a kid and 38 seemed ancient. Now, not so much.

A couple of things did change for me over the last year. I found myself rummaging through my closet and tossing at least 50% of my clothes. Suddenly, the short camo skirt and faded skinny jeans no longer seemed appropriate for a woman turning 38. The bubblegum lipstick color and handmade ankle hemp cords were sent packing too. I also sat my man down and made him pinky promise that if I ever became *that* woman, he'd barricade the door and not let me out in public. You all know *that* woman. She's the woman in her late 30's or 40's that didn't get the memo on how short shorts and high heeled thong shoes are very not cool past the age of 25. You even get a 10 year grace period but if that crap isn't banished from your closet by 35, people WILL laugh at you behind your back. Now, I'm adjusting to my wardrobe of jeans or cargo's, t-shirts, hoodies and flip flops. Stylin...but not skanky. Well done.

The next thing I gave up was any sort of innocent flirting with younger men. Not that I have ever been a good flirt to begin with ( I ooze awkwardness and wouldn't know if I was being hit on if it smacked me upside the head) What was once cute and innocent now screams COUGAR. I hate that word. I really really hate that word. Whats worse? Cougar or MILF? I have a theory on those names but I'll save that for another day

I've surprised myself in how well I'm adjusting to this whole aging process. It doesn't scare me, in fact I find the whole thing amusing. You can't stop it, you can't turn back the time so you better acccept it. Go one step further and embrace it. Aging is beautiful. My body and my face tell so many stories. I have 38 years of life experience and I already have alot to say. At 38 I'm confident, I'm no longer concerned with the little things and I see the big picture much more clearly.
What more can you ask for?

Honestly, I like these changes. I like not being afraid to be assertive or take chances. I like making my own rules and not trying to please everyone. I like feeling comfortable in my skin

It was a good birthday

Thanks for the well wishes everyone

A mini update

2009-05-03T15:37:00.000-04:00

The new company was officially launched Friday. Dollars and Sense Business Solutions is now up and running. I was at the firm on Friday to hand in my laptop, blackberry, keys etc and I stopped in to see a few people. H/R was first. They were wonderfully supportive and reminded me that I could come back to the firm anytime. I made it a priority to leave with the utmost professionalism and dignity. I always try hard to leave doors open behind me. It was a very positive exit, I must admit.

The last few weeks were tense and I was concerned it would get ugly. The firm kept coming back with counter offers and trying to convince me that staying with them was
the key to achieving balance in my career and family life. I was not happy when they threw the 'Mommy card' at me. I'm an intelligent person and I didn't make this decision lightly. I weighed every factor, envisioned worst case scenarios and ultimately made a decision that was right for me. I enjoyed the firm, very much and it's very possible that I'll find my way back someday. For now, I needed to try this new challenge of going it alone with the client.

Most important though; I'm on VACATION in three weeks!!!! We leave for Orlando on May 23rd and everyone is starting to get hyped. We rented a house in Clermont and it's quite lovely. The week includes trips to Disney, Universal Studios, Seaworld, Treasure Island, Aquatica etc...I have a camcorder and a digital camera so I'll have lots to share.

The home renovations are driving me crazy. The house is all clutter and it's diving my OCD over the edge. I know it'll be gorgeous when done but for now I'm ready to call in a steamroller and level the place.

You've now been updated.

My Calendar this week

2009-05-03T15:29:00.000-04:00

I think I overbooked myself...

Sunday morning - Jaden Hockey School
Sunday night - Drew Little League Game
Monday- Drew Little League Game
Tuesday- Drew Lacrosse Game
Wednesday- Drew Hockey 4 on 4
Thursday - Jaden Little League/ Drew Locrosse
Friday- Drew Little League Practice
Saturday morning- Jaden Hockey School
Saturday afternoon - Jaden Little League

I coach little league, am a trainer for Lacrosse and work the bench for hockey.

Time to pee - Priceless

Sandi's Grossities...

2009-04-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

Yes, some things really gross me out. Not an easy gig because I don't scare that easily. Have a laugh at me..or with me.

In no particular order...

1. Athletes foot. This is just gross. I want to vomit when I see someone doing the crazy itch dance with their flesh eaten toes..fungus..ick

2. Being the victim of a 'hotbox' , dead winter, no ventilation...For those who don't know; Hotbox = really stinky fart in a vehicle while the heats on and you can't open a window. It's death by ass vapour. Ewwww.

3 The Madagascar hissing cockroach, Mother Fucker! That is an insect to be feared!
I have only seen them in a museum.. behind glass and for that I am grateful. I'd lose my mind!

4. A Hairy Ass. I don't care who you are. A hairy ass is gross! Man, woman.. doesn't matter. Picture it; hot babe , big boobies, big lips, hot legs, hairy ass... WHOA!
Deal breaker! Hairy ass. Your ONLY chance is if she fell in love with you before the hair came. Women are blind in love.

5. A child who is sneezing and coughing all over you. Ok, this SUCKS! You want to freak.. you NEED to freak.. but you can't because poor baby is sick.

6. Raisans. Those who love em.. I don't get it. It's rotting, firmenting fruit.. whats the big deal??? I can't believe some people like them in cookies

7. Beaches that close due to high ecoli levels.. from feces. Wow! Have we fucked up our planet that much?

8. Outhouses. Never gonna happen for me. This image is burned in my head. Going to the washroom in a public outhouse at some big event.. a concert, whatever..it's getting full.. but you have to go...and you sit..and the backsplash of thousands of peoples combined feces land on your ass . I'm convulsing

Last but not least.. the grossest thing EVER!

My male dog fellating himself...I can't begin to explain the revulsion. I want him fixed. I gave S the speech.."be a responsible pet owner..spray/neuter your dog!; He replies "slow down there Bob Barker! you aren't cutting off his nuts.. what did he ever do to you? I have to hear this song and dance regularily.. and in the end, the damn dog gets to keeo his nuts..and gross me out for another day

This resonates with me...

2009-04-18T23:26:00.000-04:00

I was reading an article tonight discussing the increase in child/adolescent violence
and a comment really stood out. This is a dose of reality for every parent out there...

"I think the violence is a direct result of the creation of "a generation of kids with entitlement issues, due to parents mollycoddling their children in the hopes that they wouldn't flip out" Kids are told that there are no winners or loosers, everyone gets a trophy and when the kids get older they find out the hard way, that the real world is not like the special olympics. not everyone can or should be a winner and they need to earn things. they dont know how to handle it and go "grape nutz". I was tortured in school. picked on by parents and teachers alike all because i was shy. I had access to more guns, chemicles and other weapons than you want to know. but what got me through it was the fact that my parents told me i need to stand up for myself and do what i need to do. and they helped me develope self confidence based on actual achievements vs. the illusion of "fairness"

WOW. Amen!

Plug in...This is what I'm listening to

2009-04-16T19:53:00.000-04:00

Psssst...Come here!

2009-03-24T23:27:00.000-04:00

I have a secret

I'm being seduced

It's working

I kinda like it

Alot

It's not a man

I can't devulge yet

For S & G...

2009-03-23T22:17:00.000-04:00

Just because I had a long day and this looked thoughtful..

Four names that people call you:
1) Mommy- From the girls
2) Freddy- My childhood Nickname
3) Sandals- My Euchre Name
4) Chummy- His pet name for me ( I HATE this name)

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1) McDonalds cashier (I have no problem admitting this. My first job at McDonalds taught me lessons in accountability, effort and team work)
2) Recreation Director at a Senior's Home ( I was traumatized by this job. I LOVED the old people there, especially my favourite little lady; Betty. When I saw them not being treated with dignity, I freaked. I moved out 4 or 5 before they caught on. I would take them for ' hair appointments'. Meanwhile, we're scouting out other retirement homes . I loved helping them escape
3) Cocktail Waitress - Oh, what a nightmare this was! I was a starving student and someone told me I could make $100/night as a cocktail waitress. Just walk around with a tray over my head and collect cash tips all night. How easy was that... NOT! I was forced to wear a black little skirt, crop top and heels. HEELS for fuck sake! I was getting mauled every day. It was disgusting. I lasted less than two weeks. That was enough molestation for me
4) Business Woman- My most accomplished task to date really...well, besides giving birth 3 times and not dying. It's a constant challenge and full of highs and lows. The highs are pure crack to me . I'm good at it. Really good.

Four movies I've watched more than once:
1) The Color Purple ( A step back in time; a lesson in love)
2) Hostel 2 ( Pure selfish violence. A comment on current day fixations with death and torture)
3) The Santa Clause ( An absolute on Christmas Eve, drinking hot chocolate and eating popcorn)
4) Parenthood ( Welcome to my world, with a laugh along the way)

Four Songs that I Love
1) Alive by Pearl Jam- My Wedding song.
2) Woman's Work by Kate Bush- Jesse's song
3) Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison- Drew's Song
4) Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy - Jaden's song ( She can really bust a move to that tune!)

Four places I have traveled to:
1) California - Two Trips; two different times in my life. Both magical.
2) Cuba- My first time in the Ocean. It took my breath away. It so so incredibly raw and beautiful.
3) Banff, Alberta - Gazing at snowy mountaintops while sitting in a steamy hotsprings, sipping rum.
4) Dominican Republic- This is how I envision heaven. Spending my days in the warm, blue ocean, riding waves, being cooled down by the water, laying out on the soft sand, sun warming against my skin, falling asleep under a palm tree.

Four of my favorite Foods:
1) Candy Candy Candy- I am a candy whore. All candy, any candy, all the time. Of course I have my absolute favourites ( Licorice babies, Goodies, Sweedish Fish, coke botttles) but any candy will do
2) Sandi's orgasmic lobster experience ( This isn't just one item. It's an all encompassing experience. You have warm, freshly steamed lobster tail. hot garlic butter and a glass of Reisling white wine. Dip the lobster in the butter, draw to your lips and savour. Sip glass of wine and swallow all in unison, Taste bud overload!
3) Rasberries - I have an obsession with this fruit. I can eat them every single day. During the season, I do just that. ALOT of rasberries and fat free cool whip
4) Sugar Crisp Cereal- Devine when sloshed with milk and eaten while watching Saturday morning cartoons. Wicked sugar rush.

Thats it for now

My baby...

2009-03-21T21:21:00.001-04:00

Where did 18 years go?

OR...

2009-03-13T13:43:00.000-04:00

or maybe I was bored and tossed the line overboard looking for a nibble and a big hungry trout bit without hesitation.

Oh, and I don't count friends like cattle. The few I have are lifelong and irreplaceable. They earned their position. You didn't.

Wanna peek in my window?

2009-02-18T13:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a stressful morning with work....and so I took a break, stripped down, took out the full mirror, turned up the volume on my speakers and started singing/ dancing to THIS song in my room. Who knows the artist?

"Tell me does she love you like the way I love you.
Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you.
Tell me does she miss you
existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do.
Tell me does she want you infatuate and haunt you
Does she know just how to shock and electrify and rock you
Does she inject you seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do

Nobody loves you like the way I do
Nobody wants you like the way I do
Nobody needs you like the way I do
Nobody aches nobody aches just to hold you
Like the way I do"

Oh, and I found a grey hair on Sunday. I thought I was going to lose my fucking mind.

Annoyance ..and then some

2009-02-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

I really REALLY do not like to waste time. I like to sleep, but I don't like to sleep in. On the very rare occasions that I sleep in late ( say past 10 am) I'm pissed off with myself as soon as I wake up . I end up playing the what if and coulda/woulda/shoulda game. Life is too short to sleep it away or waste it doing nothing productive. There is no do-over. Wow, I digress...

I was at a training course all day for an accounting software update orientation/ instructional seminar. I do not know what the fuck I was smoking when I signed up for THAT course. Firstly, I require the use of maybe 10% of this software yet I had to be drowned in 7 hours of completely useless information I will NEVER use. I'm looking around and everyone is feverishly writing
information down about the module he's got up on the projector...and me.. well I'm doodling pictures of canoes and fruit, daydreaming about snowboarding, sneaking my blackberrry underneath the desk and working from it.. answering e-mail and sending files. I was so bored.
7 hours .. plus travel is alot of time to waste. It's still bothering me. Too many of those..wasted moments/hours/days and you just plain run outa time eventually. Dismal.

I'm very conscious of this.

Coffee Time...

2009-02-11T08:30:00.000-05:00

* Your Birthday is May 15th*

You Are an Introvert

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things.

You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle.

Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home.

You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak.

Your strength: Your intense optimism
Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents
Your power color: Jade
Your power symbol: Flower
Your power month: June

Good Times...

2009-02-08T08:36:00.001-05:00

Me Fly'in

Me trying not to run into the cameraman. * I know, retarded face

The Speed Demon Jaden, Me and My 'Little" Brother

Little Miss Snowboarder Canada

The weather was gorgeous yesterday so we were off to the hill. My brother joined us and we had alot of fun. Jaden is a little speed demon . Drew was getting grumpy because Jade was actually passing her sometimes. It was a really great day topped off by dinner at my sisters , lots of vodka, the hockey game and a silly game of cranium. Here are some pics from yesterday. No laughing at my retarded face. I was concentrating hard not to fall on my ass.

This makes me smile....

2009-01-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Me thinks winter is going to go by just a little bit faster now...

Ottawa (YOW) to Washington DC (IAD)
23/05/09
2:22 pm - 4:05 pm
United 7848 Operated By: /UNITED EXPRESS/CHAUTAUQUA AIRL
Washington DC (IAD) to Orlando (MCO)
23/05/09
5:30 pm - 7:46 pm
United 715
Orlando (MCO) to Washington DC (IAD)
30/05/09
8:40 am - 10:47 am
United 118
Washington DC (IAD) to Ottawa (YOW)
30/05/09
12:10 pm - 1:49 pm
United 7848 Operated By: /UNITED EXPRESS/CHAUTAUQUA AIRL

Yes, that would be our trip to Disney in May, now officially Booked!

A little bit late

2009-01-22T09:06:00.000-05:00

Wow! I’m late…Sorry about that. 2009 snuck in under my nose and I didn’t write anything , not one mention of the new year. I could give you an impressive albeit generic list of resolutions but everyone knows that by spring, the list has vanished both literally and metaphorically. No one keeps New Years resolutions; no one. I don’t make resolutions. I detest failing. I like to focus on what I learned the year before and how I can apply that knowledge in the New Year to help me further evolve. Here is my short list;

What made me happy in 2008?
What made me sad in 2008?
What I would change in 2008?
What I would keep exactly the same?

The stories below are one of many. I go write forever about joyful moments or moments of sadness but my faithful readers likely wouldn’t be so faithful. They’d be sleeping. Instead, I offer a sample of each category

What made me happy in 2008?

Watching my grandfather’s younger brother walk in to the church at my Grandmother’s funeral. I hadn’t seen him in 25 years. He looked exactly like my Grandfather. I went to hug him, and to tell him how happy I was to see such a respect between brothers that almost 10 years after your brother’s death you still come to the funeral of his beloved wife. That is such Honor.

The Metcalfe Fair Derby for two reasons. We donated our old car to the high school and what they did to it was amazing. They had “area 51” painted on it with freaky colors. Also, every year one hockey team is chosen as the coveted charity drive team. You can make A LOT of cash at the derby for your team selling 50/50 tickets. We were all out there, wearing the team jersey’s . I was watching Scott yelling and waving tickets , selling the pitch , taking money, I thought that was very cool.. Good Daddy award,

The Enormous balls I seem to grow whenever I’m in his office , armed with information, confident, in control. I like the way he speaks to me.

The look in my daughter’s eyes when they dove into the blue ocean , sun bright above less than 6 hours after being in the cold snow. Fucking beautiful

It took forever, but my muscles are coming back.

The e-mail that arrived one cold February morning offering me the position at the firm, complete with attached employment contract.

The last meaningful conversation I had with my grandmother, a week before she died with my head resting on her lap. I will hold that memory dear forever

My wood stove. NOTHING gets you warmer, faster. 10 minutes down there and I’m blissfully sleepy and warmed to my bones.

How fast Jaden is learning to play Hockey and how good she is. She has a passion for it too. I’m over the moon proud.

What made me sad in 2008

The first time I realized Jesse wasn’t coming home. Unless you’ve experienced it first hand, no one can imagine the sheer horror, all consuming panic and deep sadness of not knowing where your child is. I have cried so much for her in 2008. I cried; mourning the loss of what she once was, I cried; in grief of the direction she was taking, I cried; raging over her pure selfishness, I cried in longing because above all, I miss my little girl.

Feeling abandoned by my Mother .. again…when she took off for Cuba knowing that I would be held completely responsible for every physical, legal, emotion and financial decision with regards to my grandmother.

The sadness in my daughter’s eyes when they felt like they lost their mom to the darkness. They endured 4 long months of their mom’s downward spiral

Comforting Drew when she tried her hardest to make the Triple A competitive team and was dropped halfway through tryouts. Explaining to her that sometimes even when you try your hardest, things don’t go your way. Tough life lesson to teach a 9 year old.

The day she died. I was in the hospital with her in the ICU while they were stabilizing her. She was severely dehydrated , her kidney’s were shutting down and they wanted to revive her. They wanted to put an IV in, give her fluids, bring her back. She looked at me
And said “No, No more” and then she prayed to the Virgin Mary to take her. This is when I told the Doctors about the DNR order and this is when they let her prepare to slip away on her own.

What would I change

Had I known she would die so fast in hospital, I would have taken her home. She would have died in my arms. That’s how it should have been

I never should have let Jesse go to school that morning. It was a big argument and it was never really resolved. We should have worked it out, held each other, healed each other. Instead I sent her to school, and I lost her.

I should have asked for help when it got too dark. I shouldered it alone. I didn’t want to appear weak. My family suffered the most for it.

What would I keep exactly the same

The utter insanity of my life. It’s my life, I own it and I love it just the way it is. My life is crazy but I feel alive and productive. This chaos makes me feel safe and needed. A part of something real.

The current arrangement of my career. I know a good thing when I have it. I’m making a decent living, working from home on my own terms for a firm that appreciates what I do and a client that pays very well for the service he receives. I don’t miss a thing. I can meet work deadlines AND watch Drew kick some ass at the school Volleyball tournament.

My relationship with my brother and sister. I’m always amazed. The three of us are best friends and the love between us is all encompassing. I am so thankful .

7 am hockey. Yes, I really mean it. I can appreciate the significance of those times. Dragging in the hockey bag while its still dark outside, the cold winter wind biting at your skin. Tying up little kids skates with hands that are stiff and cold. Sipping coffee in the stands watching....and smiling. Both of my girls play hockey. It doesn’t get much better that that. I am SO proud . 7 am practices is a very small price to pay.

My thoughts on aging. I’m turning 38 this year and I’m not afraid. I’m empowered. As I continue to grow I realize what’s significant and what isn’t. That epiphany changes everything . I do believe they call it wisdom. I like how my face looks, my eyes are brighter than ever. I’ve seen so much already. I like the strength of my body. It’s been through 3 wars and a lot of abuse . I don’t need to look 25 anymore. I’m over it.

My ever evolving lessons on love. Parental Love, Romantic Love, Self Love, Friendship Love. Every year I grasp it just a little bit more.

Just because...

2009-01-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

"Sister Blister"

You and me we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Cuz you and me: competitive to the bone
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
With the state this land is in
You and me feel joined only by gender
We are not all for one and one for all
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me disloyal to the feminine
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come
With how strong we've been
You and me are on this pendulum together
You and me with scarcity still fueling
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonor a sister
You and me have made it harder for the other
We forget how hard separatism has been
You and me we can help change their minds together
You and me in alignment until the end
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in

The Hockey Tournament

2009-01-13T08:32:00.000-05:00

We were in Watertown New York for 3.5 days for a Hockey Tournament this past weekend. It was alot of fun. The team landed in second place and my Drew was most amusing to watch. Her nickname on the team is Pinball P because she has no problem taking out the opposing team players while racing for the puck. I don't dare say checking as it's illegal in the league until
Pee Wee, which is still a year away. That never stopped her. Now imagine being told that the Watertown association allows checking at her level. We gave her the serious talk on the way down about clean checking. Head up, shoulders square , knees bent to absorb the shock . Well holy shit! By 2 minutes into the first period my jaw had dropped. No one was getting in her way. She tore down the ice like a mini bulldozer, stopping only for a mili-second to glance up at me in the stands and grin. One boy actually punched her and before I could react, Drew knock him right on his ass. Ohhh I was swelling with pride. They all had so much fun. Between games they were swimming in the pool or playing mini sticks in the hotel. I love watching her hanging with her boys. She is strong and confident and so happy.

The whole family went, even Jess. She was excited that Watertown had both a Hollister and Aeropostle store. We did serious damage in both. Jaden had a blast too. Most of her buddies are siblings of Drews teammates so everyone was hanging out with someone. The nights were for grownups. Silly drinking games and lots of laughs.

It wouldn't be a weekend trip without a few Sandi observations so here goes;

We were the only Canadian Team in the tournament. The other teams were all from New York
We noticed something immediately. Most of the kids from the the NY teams were fat. I'm not talking chubby, I'm talking obese. The were winded easily, their strides were short and not very effective, the didn't have the speed they needed. I was sad to see this. Observation 2 helped me understand observation 1. There was nothing but garbage there for food. Friday night, we tried
Ponderossa. We don't have Ponderossa in Canada and for that I am eternally grateful. By the time we finished, The girls had renamed it PonderGROSSA. The food was vile. One day we tried
The Cracker Barrel. No Cracker Barrel in Canada either. This was like Denny's. Everything on the menu was fried, everything. I was desperate for a piece of fruit by day 2. When we went shopping, we had observation 3. In the food court, they had 5 greasy fast food places and 1 subway. The lineup for Subway was empty. The lineup for Taco Bell was neverending. So even with choices, they chose the garbage food.

With close to 70% of the American population being overweight, they need to take a good look at the kind of garbage going down their throats. We had fun, LOTS of fun, but we looked forward to coming home and eating something... anything with a root attached.

I need to chill out a little. I have not sat still until we came back from down South. I'm now head first into busy season until at least April 30th. We'll have a small reprieve during March break
We booked a little getaway in Jay Peak Vermont for snowboarding. That will be enjoyable.

Couple more

2009-01-03T16:01:00.001-05:00

One more from Punta Cana and then I HAD to post this... This is 2008 Halloween pic. Drew was a zombie and Jade was an Alien. I loved the Alien !!

and More...

2009-01-03T15:06:00.000-05:00

Some Pictures...

2009-01-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

I've started printing off a few of my favs...

The Ocean Buoy

2009-01-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

I love being in the ocean. I love being naked in the ocean. The sensation is beyond invigorating.
I experience a delicious combination of intense fear/intimidation and peacefulness/tranquility.
Of course since the early 80's I've not been in the Ocean without the boom box in my head going off with the "Jaws" theme. All part of the kick right? I remember a few years ago when I got to California. It was late, the moon was bright and I arrived at Victoria beach in Laguna. Within seconds, I stripped down and in I went. The sensations were heightened by the darkness and I shivered in delight . In the Dominican, I indulged once again and it was amazing. One sunny afternoon we were playing at the beach, swimming in the water. The tide was high and the water was choppy. We played around with the boards for awhile and then I had an idea. It always starts with just a little idea. I took off swimming on my own , paddling straight out , fighting the strong tide. I got to the floating buoy with the caution ropes, tugged off my suit, tied it to the buoy and just kept going. I was scared but with each stroke through the water I was chanting in my head; I am not afraid, I am not afraid, I am not afraid. I was getting closer to the shelf where the waves were very high and I had to position myself to raise above each one as they tried to crash down on top of me. I turned towards the beach and the people were just specks of dust poking from the surf. I was so far out. It was perfectly quiet except for the roar of the waves. I just bobbed in the tide for awaile , my heart thumping , my head ready to explode in fear and excitement. I was getting fatigued so I knew I had to get back.I might be an adrenaline junkie, but I don't have a death wish. I went back to the buoy, untied the suit and let the tide bring me in to shore. I was quite a way away from where I started and my the time I walked back along the beach I saw Scott pacing. When I got closer I saw he was not happy. He really should be used to this by now. Buy life insurance and chill out a little.

The Tuesday Special

2008-12-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

I needed a new ( temporary) title this week. Tuesday Confession is alive and well, just shelved for the Holidays. This week I offer a festive alternative...Tuesday stories from The Dominican Republic. I really need the visual aids aka nice pictures but I've never been patient . Instead of Tuesday stories, I have my own title. Really fucking great moments. Yeahh, thats good! Voila...

1. Our second full day in Punta Cana we went on a day long excursion by Jeep. We drove through villages and farms, plantations, orchards and roadside markets of every kind. The girls saw how coffee beans are grown and cocoa beans are roasted. They visited a real elementary school house, ate a local Dominican lunch, rode horses. I was privy to a wonderful scene. My girl, standing on the stoop in a small village store, handing out mini boxes of smarties to the local children. One group shook the boxes collectively but didn't know how or if they should open the box. Jade proceeded to show them how you can jam an entire mini box of smarties in your mouth and store em in your cheeks. You go girl!

2. The horse back ride was scenic, but uneventful. Walking back to the barn, I saw the opening to a fruit orchard. It was beautiful. There were grapefruit trees, banana trees, all nestled in rich green grass. Our guide, a young Dominican boy noticed my gaze and asked if I liked the ride. I grinned, pointed to the orchard and told him I wanted to run a horse through there. He nodded a moment and then said.. well we can if you like. YES! When everyone else was back, set up with the guide discussing the roasting process for coffee, I snuck back to the barn and found the boy.
I wanted one of their horses for starters, not a horse they set up for the tourists. He gave me a little badass that loved to run...one soft heel nudge and I found myself gripping the reins and pressing my cheek against the side of his face to avoid being pistol whipped by tree branches coming at me 100/kms per hour . The ride was fucking incredible. The salty, ocean breeze in my hair , the scent of ripe fruit , the steady gallop. I was so thankful for the experience. I slipped the boy $20 American which is about 3 days pay for him. In Canada , its the cost of a Grande bold , nut muffin with fruit for breakfast. Besides, I loved his smile. It was absolutely infectious.

A Peek

2008-12-29T23:58:00.000-05:00

THIS is why I had to ditch everyone in my extended family and run off to Punta Cana! Look at me...pale..and OLD looking. I needed some beachtime.

and this is how the rest of us looked. Very very pale -laughs- Keep in mind, this is immediately upon landing in the Dominican, awake since 2 am.

I have, altogether..3 underwater cameras, about 75 digital images and 90 minutes edited of video. I'd like to make a movie.

I have some great stories, but some needs pics. I'd like to share.. I just need to extract and upload pictures. Soon. Very.

Hola!

2008-12-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

I'm baccccck. Lots of stories, lots of pictures but I arrived back into Canada just in time for The Canadian Bell Cup hockey tournament which Drew is in. I promise I'll update everything when the tourament is over Wednesday.

Cheers!

Some last words...

2008-12-19T07:43:00.001-05:00

My apologies for missing Tuesday Confession Day. Truth is I've been making myself crazy getting ready for this trip. I promise to resume the dark, seedy ( and thus far illegal) Tuesday Confessions after the Holidays.

I've been unusually emotional lately. This trip has me experiencing all kinds of feelings simultaneously. The biggest emotions by far are joy and pride. Wednesday was the girls
Christmas Production at school. Drew was the lead character in the story; a snowman with a big heart. She was fantastic . She made the audience laugh right on cue and I learned that my daughter can be quite the performer . She was loving the attention and I was so proud of her. Jaden was one of the choir characters and remembered all her lines! I was very proud of her too. They looked so happy up there. They have both been so excited about this trip. We've been counting sleeps religiously and every morning for the past week I've been waking them up with the daily weather report... in Punta Cana. My heart swells when I hear them giggle or see their faces light up with smiles. My faithful readers are all parents so you can all understand what I'm articulating here. My children are experiencing life in a way I never did. They feel safe and loved and valued. They climb personal heights everyday and can bask in victory because both are so talented in their own way. Now that they are older, we are travelling more. From the time they were babies Scott and I always agreed we wanted our children to be aware of the world around them. We wanted them to travel and understand other cultures. We strongly encourage them in sport. I think it's so important for girls to be in sports. Not only does it strengthen their bodies and their minds but it also teaches them they are capable of anything. Watching them play hockey blows my mind ( yes, even at 6 am on a -40 February morning)

I get enormous pleasure from my career, Scott, my friends, my sports but there is no pleasure greater than what I get from having those 3 girls in my life. I am blessed to have been chosen for them.

Even in joy, there is saddness. This is the first Christmas of my life without my Grandmother.
The sight and smells of Christmas remind me of her and I find myself in tears at least once a day lately. I miss her so very much. I've packed her tree ornament and it will be placed on our 8 inch Christmas tree in Punta Cana, front and center.

Before I leave for the next 8 days, I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and offer some wise words. If you're in my life life and in my heart, trust me; you've earned your place. My love, my trust and my friendship doesn't come easily. Please enjoy the holidays. Spend it with family and friends and love alot. For me, its' the beginning of the end of a very transitory year in my life. I've had alot of pain in 2008 but with pain comes growth and wisdom and the ability to be joyful once more. I am thankful for the roads I've chosen, lessons learned, people who have held out their hand to me along the journey. It's highly likely you're one of those people. I'll be thinking of you over the Holidays

Pure Pride...

2008-12-18T17:34:00.001-05:00

In Anticipation..

2008-12-11T06:42:00.001-05:00

There are absolutes

Death
Taxes
Debt
Nagging wives
Sick Children
Dead Pets
Broken Cars
Husbands who get drunk at Christmas parties and come home thinking they are Romeo

Which one will occur tonight?

Countdown to Sunshine, Surfing and Hairy Men in Speedos

2008-12-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

Countdown To Punta Cana

Gross Factor

2008-12-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

The dogs were out today and when I called, they all came in except Maggie, my black lab, I called and called for over 2 hours. No Maggie. Finally, she comes home and I'm very relieved as I had a moment of fear thinking she maybe fell through the ice. I'm baking some sugar cookies for the hockey team and I hear this awful gurgling sound right beside me in the kitchen. Its Maggie. She's looks like she's being taken over by aliens. Her stomach is constricting and she's trying to bring something up. From there it switches to slow motion... she brings up an entire half eaten rabbit complete with skin and fat right there on the kitchen floor. I scream and run for the phone. If you didn't know, I'm horrified by vomit. I can't look at it, clean it, smell it, hear it or else I'm right in there throwing up too. When the kids have a stomach bug Scott has always been in charge of clean up. I can do colds, I can do blood, anything but vomit. I call Scott freaking out and he laughs. Tells me to put a box over top of it and he'll deal with it when he gets home. I'm baking fucking COOKIES! I can't just step over the enormous pile of bile and dead rabbit flesh while decorating my gingerbread men. I have a small predicament Scott says. Gee, ya think????

Drew is in the background giggling, watching how this all plays out. I turn to her with pleading eyes. I tell her; You know Mommy can't clean this. Daddy says to wait but I need to bake these cookies for YOUR team....She starts laughing and tells me to get lost while she cleans it. She cleaned it up in 10 seconds and didn't bat an eye. Mommy loves you the mostest today baby girl!

Is it Tuesday Already?

2008-12-09T19:21:00.000-05:00

Funny thing about these Tuesday Confessions; none of you are surprised by anything I write.
There is no shock and awe . What can I conclude from that? A; I'm seriously boring B; I talk about myself way too much and you've heard all my stories or C; I'm crazy and capable of anything so nothing is shocking anymore

Which is it?

Ok, this weeks confessions... something old and something new.

When I was 8, I set our backyard on fire. My 3 best friends were boys and our favourite game was Fireman. My stepfather smoked cigarettes so I would steal his matches before sneaking out to play . Me and my friends would set a small fire with sticks, pass around the toy red fire helmet and whoever wore it had to drop their pants and pee on the fire. We'd done it so many times before we never once thought of it possibly being dangerous until the day I couldn't pee. Yep, thats right. The flame is growing and growing and there I am squating, trying to pee and I can't. The boys see the flames grow so they try and pee. By then, they are so scared they can't pee either. We panic. We almost run until one of the boys reminds us that the whole backyard is gonna go up if we don't put this fire out. We start stomping like crazy and finally, it goes out but not before leaving a 6x6 foot burn circle. I tried to cover it up with leaves and branches but no cigar. Years later I can appreciate the irony of getting spanked with one of the sticks I was going to set fire to at a later date.

I take a bath every night. It's how I wind down. I take a bath and smoke a joint. I'm habitual
with both. One thing you may not know...The last thing I do before I get out of the tub is pee.
It's my little secret rebellion.

The Christmas Party Dress...Like the Shirley Temple Curls?

2008-12-08T11:02:00.000-05:00

My Backyard this morning.. simply gorgeous

2008-12-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

Thats Maggie; my black lab, by the water..

Just call me hippy...

2008-12-08T10:58:00.001-05:00

For The Boys in my Heart...

2008-12-05T14:31:00.000-05:00

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

Drink responsibly this holiday boys. I like you

The days little jabs left a hole

2008-12-04T21:15:00.000-05:00

It was nothing major...just a series of mishaps and sanditypical paranoia. Of course now I'm having a full blown anxiety attack. Don't all act shocked or anything.

I've been a little overwhelmed at work but it's virtually impossible for me to ask for help. I have to do it alone to feel accomplished. Its always been that way. I've been exhausted this week so I broke down this morning and went to HR to request some admin support one day a week. No problem they claim. In fact they have someone perfect in mind already and coincidently I'd be doing THEM a favor, offering some work/mentoring. A student who has a decline in weekly hours until March. My one day a week would bring him back up to a fulltime work week. Its a win/win situation. I think thats what the note on the end of the dangling carrot read. I spent 2 hours giving him a brief introduction to my contract and then proceeded to show him what I needed done. I left him with a very basic project for about 2 hours while I caught up on something else and scheduled my meetings for next week. As I'm leaving for the day, I stop by to see his progress on this particular project as it is due by day end tomorrow. I asked him to prep and code 30 expense reports. I knew it would take longer than 2 hours but I was hoping for at least half done . Well. No.

He completed ONE! Just ONE! Even worse.. he was all fucking proud of his accomplishment.
So, I lost 3 hours of time today just so that I can tack it on to my day tomorrow to finish this project. Thats very helpful, thank you.

I had to go to the mall tonight. I need pantyhose for my office Christmas party Saturday. I figured in and out. No fuss. Well. No.

They don't have my size. Either too big or too small. I see a saleslady, grab one of each size
and go over to her, askng her which is the safest bet. She looks me over, then to my complete shock says " Well, you're kind of hippy so I'd go with the larger size." What the FUCK does that mean? I know she doesn't mean Bohemian. She means I have huge birthing hips that need to be contained. I came home , stripped naked and proceeded to stare at my hippiness in utter distain. Somehow in the last 20 minutes during the drive home, I grew enormously. Thankyouverymuch lady for the mind fuck, because I haven't been obsessive enough lately about my body.

On the way home my blackberry goes off. An e-mail from my client . Here is what it says;

"I'll be in Ottawa next week and would like to meet ( insert name of office manager) and discuss the state of affairs with both of you"

Someone PLEASE decode that because in my twisted, paranoid brain that says; I think we're dropping the firm and taking our contract elsewhere.

So, I'm overwhelmed with work, my assistant blows which might just be completely irrelevant because my contract may get yanked and if it couldn't get worse, I apparently have huge hips.

Shoot me now.

Please

Tuesday Confession

2008-12-02T23:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I have this very uncomfortable thought...

What if the dead CAN come back and observe your life. What if there is some universal law that prohibits the deceased from freaking you out and appearing in your chicken soup . They can
watch you, follow you etc.. but they can't make themselves known.

I leave you with a question. What would/ wouldn't you change about your day to day life if you knew they were watching?

Just for you Becka...

2008-11-29T08:47:00.000-05:00

The Christmas Tree.

It was a cold and snowy night ...

What??

Oh, you mean THAT Christmas tree story!

I was a Freshman at Carleton University, trying to find my niche. I never actually had a niche before so I figured I had better dig a hole and bury my antisocial, detached personality, at least for the next 5 years .

I met a group of women ( who would later completely fuck me over, but thats another story)
that befriended me almost immediately. They were a strong, loud, proactive femenist group and I thought what the hell. I hate people and they hate people and so I measured an approximate 50% success in compatability. One Friday afternoon, we were a bored group looking for trouble. Someone mentioned a contest in which we would walk into a certain department store ( lets call it Zellers) and steal the largst item we could . The loser had to fork over $10 to the pot which would purchase beer for the winner to take to an upcoming Party at the University.

* Note to reader. We were a socially conscience group and actually intended to donate our "stolen" goods to charity.

I was third in. I was pumped. When I go , I go big.

Girl number one comes out with a huge box of pots and pans. Impressive!

Girl number two emerges with a large suitcase on wheels. Wow! Everyone was certain the crown would be hers.

I walked into Zellers, scanned the store quickly...and there she was...whispering my name
Her shimmer resonated through the store
Her stature enormous and inpenetrable
I had to possess her
Own her
Defeat her.

She was a 6 foot artifical , partially decorated Christmas tree.

I circled her hungrily, checked for wires plugged in ( there were none) Threw her over my shoulder and walked out.

I know what you're thinking

They didn't stop me at first. How would even think of stealing a 6 foot tree. They couldn't even entertain the idea, so they smiles, wished me Merry Christmas and I walked to the door.

I almost made it. I was sooo close. Then I saw the girls, hidden behind a pillar in the mall, laughing and pointing. I held it in as long as I could and then I lost it. I started laughing uncontrolably, the christmas tree flug over my shoulder starts shaking, I'm drawing alot of attention and I just can't stop laughing. I'm paralysed. I can't keep walking. I'm standing there, not 10 feet from the exit and I'm just laughing with tears running down my cheek. Finally I make my way to the door and then...

He taps me on the shoulder, I turn around. It's some kid that looks no more than 16 in a security suit. I'm tempted to laugh even more but there is a tiny spot in my brain that registers that this may not be so funny anymore.

To make a long store short because I have a hockey game to be at at, I was formally charged, I had to get a lawyer, I had to go to court, I was found guilty of theft, I was given a 1 year conditional discharge which wasn't supposed to show up on my record but it did and 5 years later I had to get a legal Pardon in order to obtain my security clearance for work.

I digress a moment. Those girls would later turn their backs on me when I got pregnant with Jesse and made the decison to leave school awhile to play mommy. They decided that was degrading to me and I was giving up my power even if it was I who made that choice. I felt that THEY degraded me for not accepting a choice that was 100% my own. Almost as though a womans choice wasn't valid and must have been somehow influanced by a man.

Love you Becka. Dinner and Shopping before the 14th is an absolute. I didn't finish everything in NY

Tuesday Confession

2008-11-25T23:09:00.000-05:00

When I was 16, I worked at a popular clothing store which shall remain nameless. I was hired for the Christmas rush so guarenteed 6 weeks of work. I lasted 2 weeks...max. I got fired because I told a lady she looked fat in a pair of pants she had tried on. Ok, not in so many words, but I was honest. She was a heavy set woman trying on skin tight faux riding pants ( remember that style?) Her love handles were a plenty and I could not let this poor woman purchase these pants. She came out and asked me what I thought. I frowned and told her they were not flattering on her at all and might I suggest something else. The manager heard this and at the end of my shift fired me on the spot. Yeah, whatever. I wasn't exactly heartbroken. I was going to stab someone very soon anyway if I heard ' Walking in a Winter Wonderland" over the mall PA one more time! I had made my Christmas money in those two weeks plus there was the fringe benefit of working in a clothing store which leads me to todays confession. I worked for two weeks, 5 days a week part time at night. I stole one complete outfit per shift, so over a span of 2 weeks, that was 10 outfits. The old check your purse before you leave for your break routine is a joke. Who needs to stuff your purse when you can use the bathroom and put on an entire outfit under your clothes ? Wow, I was a bad girl even back then.

Let it Snow!

2008-11-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

The snow! Its gorgeous! I had to take a minute break from work and share my excitement. We leave in 3 weeks for Punta Cana! I'm SO excited. Not so much for me, but for the girls. It's going to blow their mind. I took off the Friday before. We plan on going snowboarding the day before we leave. I loved the idea of such contrast....snowboard to surfboard in a day. Judging by the snow falling it may just happen too! I also bought our Christmas tree . I promise to take a picture of this amazing tree. It's about 8 inches tall and a perfect replica of a full sized pine. We have a tiny string of lights , tinsel and I asked the girls to make a mini star for the top . I'm packing a few ornaments I made for them over the years too plus we can't forget their Senators stockings. I even bought a patch of 'snow' to put down on the sand. Thats my vision; Christmas morning on the beach opening presents 'under' hahaha our Christmas tree. I'm hoping to find a decent video camera in New York when I go shopping this week. Digital pics will be nice but I'd love a video camera too. Alright, I have to stop grinning and get back to work. I wanted to share whats making me smile today . Tuesday confession is coming up later today

Cheer! Drive safe... kiss someone in the snow today

Look Carefully..The septum piercing

2008-11-25T11:44:00.001-05:00

This is what teen rebellion looks like. Before... and after. I was proud of myself . I didn't even react. She was thoroughly disapointed. In Pinocchios own words " There ain't no strings on Me!"

Confession Tuesday

2008-11-18T20:05:00.000-05:00

I was at the office today so I'm delayed in writing this but I didn't forget. Without further ado; todays confession...

I have a recurring fantasy that I'm ready to share. Relax Pervs. No one said sex fantasy did they?

It's open mic night at the local live music club. I call all my friends and tell them to meet me at this club, knowing full well they're in for a surprise, but not telling them what they are about to see. It's a dark, smoky kind of club, a lizzard lounge for rock and roll. The lights go dim, my name is announced in a plume of machine smoke, there I am. I belt out a few rock tunes , fingers bleed the guitar and my friends are sitting at the table, stunned. Holy shit. She can sing. She's a rock star and no one knew it! I typically indulge this fantasy in my kitchen, wooden spoon in hand, standing on the kitchen table and looking at my reflection in the window.

One more tidbit...

When I'm feeling blue, I go in search of fruit loops cereal. Fruit Loops is like Prozac for me. The Tucan Sam and his colored O's bring me to my happy place.

Taken This morning..New Hair.. New Coat.. You like?

2008-11-18T20:01:00.000-05:00

The Ring

2008-11-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

I cried on Sunday night. I never cry.

Rewind to last May. After my Grandmother passed away my mother and I spent a few days in Montreal packing up Grandma's stuff. Room by room we went through everything, taking what we wanted , packing the rest for good will. When we got to Grandma's jewelry box I felt a surge of anger inside as I knew what remained would be mere costume jewelry. Mom had already been there the week prior and cleaned out my Grandmothers more expensive jewelry. It was her right. The will stated the house contents belonged to her. As I looked inside the box, something made me catch my breath. Immediately I knew what it was. It was my Grandfathers wedding ring. I reached for it.. wanting to touch it.. be near him...and she just snatched it. I asked her for it and she refused. Again, it was her right. I was very bitter.

Last week, she calls me quite a few times saying we have to get together; alone. She has something for me. She says it's very important. So finally, by the 3rd call, I agree to meet her for dinner. That Thai place I love. I don't know for certain what it is she wants to give me but my heart does a little backflip when I think of the possibility... however remote.. that she might give me the ring back. Imposible!

As we're waiting on our food she hands me a box, holds my hand and says. " This belongs to you. It was yours to begin with. I know that but I had to work through something first before I realized that."

I open the box and there it is; shining under the twinkle of light .. his tarnished gold wedding band. I felt dizzy with happiness but before I could say a word.. my mother says.."look inside the band, read it". I read it.. my eyes squinting to read the small script. What I read made my heart just explode. I was so gratuitous ..to be able to feel such intense emotion. Let me paint a quick picture. I have reels and reels of old 8 mm film of me singing as a child. Almost always with my grandfather singing along beside me or to me. We loved to sing. Our favourite song was "Don't sit under the apple tree" He sang this song to me every day I was with him. Here is the song for anyone who doesn't know it by heart:

Don't sit under the apple tree, with anyone else but me
anybody else but me
no no no
don't sit under the apple tree, with anyone else but me
till I come marching home - insert straight leg marching movements-

My mother had the following words engraved on the inner band of the ring

" I'll always be waiting for you..under the apple tree"

I can't begin to describe what I felt inside. I couldn't do it justice.

Thank you Mom. Thank you for putting me first this time. Thank you for the gift of memory

I miss him so very much.

Epilogue.

I had to ask her. Why? Why did she do this. Why did she take it in the first place?She told me that she had to come to terms with something first and what she came to terms with was that he loved me more than he loved her.

Here is the ring

Authors note * This had NO editing or rewrites. I just reached in, cut and let it gush.

It's Tuesday Confession!

2008-11-11T13:15:00.000-05:00

Before I begin, let me briefly address the delicate issue of self censor. Fuck it. I'm not doing it anymore

Alright, lets move on.

In honor of my proclaimation, I think I'll be extra salacious today

1. I run on a treadmill everyday. 50 minutes. 50 minutes is a long time to stare at a wall while
your legs are pumping and your heart is racing. Whats a girl to do? I close my eyes when I run
and I think about sex. ALOT.

2. I have a friend at work. While a bit annoying at times with her constant trite chatter, we get along fine. Enjoy lunch at the local deli on occasion; play volleyball together... Its all good, except this one part. She has horrible body odor. No, like really. It's not the sweaty armpit kind either.
It's umm - leans to whisper- genital odor. Tell me please, how the hell do you tell someone that?
Some days its so bad I make excuses not to go to lunch. If I happen to be eating my lunch and a wind blows the wrong way, well, I'll just yak all over my suit. Not cool.

Happy Tuesday!

Please take a moment to Remember today. It matters

Serious post coming later. Stay tuned and bring the kleenex

Tuesday Confession

2008-11-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

I now declare Tuesday's my non official confession day. Thats right. Every Tuesday Yours Truly will make not one but TWO confessions. So, without further ado, prepare to be shocked

1. I actually have a song from WHAM! on my Ipod play list . "Everything she wants" is on my cardio playlist and yes I know all the words.

2. There is a backroad near my house that has huge construction delays. They are installing water pipes underground and its a 4 month project. Everyone avoids this road lately. Everyone except me. I take this road every chance I get. For about 15 minutes I get to cruise by 15-20
construction guys in various stages of dress depending on the weather. Dirty boys with tans and muscles. -Sighs- God Bless Blue Collar workers! Keep in mind that I work with men that can identify 10 shades of brown in their tie ( thats pebble and tan and beige and sand and clay ) get manicures weekly and think everything is 'neato"

Lights a Flare and Tosses it Out....

2008-10-30T12:20:00.000-04:00

I remember vividly a day years ago
we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"
and you were mindboggling
you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin
you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
If we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you

we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often

You know who you are. I'm thinking about you. Please reach out.

One Year...

2008-10-30T11:57:00.000-04:00

The one year anniversary is fast approaching. Nov 2nd 2008 will be the one year mark since I quit smoking. I've supported myself since I was 17, I've put myself through school, I've given birth 3 times, I lost one baby through miscarriage, I've grieved the death of the two people I loved deeply, I've survived one teenage rebellion, I've climbed the corporate ladder.....and NONE of those was as challenging as quitting smoking. It was ( and still is) the hardest thing I've ever done. I promised myself my most precious tattoo once the journey is complete. I'm so close now. What remains is shedding the final 15 pounds of weight I gained when I quit. The best incentive was buying clothes for the Dominican in a size 2, the size I was before quitting. I'm currently wearing a size 5 so if I don't succeed, I'll be wearing a terry towel wrap for my entire vacation. I'm running everyday, weight training 3 x's a week, hockey and volleyball weekly and back to an organic diet. It's nice to be focusing on ME again. I want to tell you why I quit. I want to share my visions with you

1. I have to be at University Graduation for each of my daughters. I will be proud when they accept their diploma and begin their lives as strong, independant, educated women.

2. I have to be there for each of my daughters on the day they get married. I have to give them something borrowed or something blue to wear when they walk down the isle. I have to warmly welcome my new sons. I have to cry when I see how beautiful they are in their gowns.

3. I have to be there when each of them is pregnant. I have to show up at their door when each of them is tired, heavily pregnant , make them their favourite meal, bathe them and let them indulge in sleep all day while I clean their house and freeze meals for them. I have to be at the hospital squeezing their hand, crying with them as they introduce me to my grandchildren

4. I have to be there to babysit , whenever, however. I want to be a cool granny.

5. I want to travel the world when I'm older and retired. I want to go to Poland and Prague and Russia and Ireland and Italy and most important ..my homeland Turkey.

6. I want to live a very very very long time

This is why I quit. This is why I will succeed.

Someone toss me a rule book

2008-10-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

So most of the time I'm really quite content in my isolated happy place. There is no pressure, no expectations, no awkwardness. Being social inept really does have its advantages. Most days I work from home. The dogs curl around my feet, fresh coffee is always brewing, the windows are open so I can hear the soft ring of the windchimes or the gurgle of the river. Sometimes I like playing music while I work, usually jazz or classical. It's very peaceful. This is my comfort zone.

Lately I'm a little out of my comfort zone. I'm onboarding a new contract over the next 3 weeks and while it's exciting and definately another upward swing for my career it also requires me ( at least in the interim) to be sociable. Conference calls and meetings almost daily, having a more physical presence around the office, volunteering at the anniversary gala. I know this is expected of me, I accept that but I'm so unbelielievably uncomfortable right now. Here is the irony. Most of the staff at work are intimidated by the senior partners . I'm not. I have no problem walking into my boss's office and stating with absolute confidence my objective, my timeline and confirmation of completion. I know what I want and how to get there. My boss is amused by my metaphoric huge balls. His grin is a constant from the moment I barge into his office. Now, if the receptionist were to stop me for chit chat or the head of HR asks how my weekend was, I choke. I stumble for words. I don't know how to start a meaningful conversation that actually sounds genuine and I definately don't know how to carry that conversation.

If you really want to mess me up, let me have feelings for you. Thats even worse. Do I call? Do I write? Do I wait? Am I writing/calling/talking too much? Too little? am I being too cold? Am I being a stalker? Do I appear bored? or desperate? When is the conversation finished? Am I
dragging it out? Going to fast? Am I too arrogant? Too vulnerable? JUST TELL ME

Fuck me. I should have been a lesbian nun living in the isolated mountains of Puru with my regular conversation directed at a goat...a mute goat.

The coffee pot is full

2008-10-09T11:22:00.000-04:00

Yes, I actually brewed a full pot of coffee in anticipation of this blog post. I've been tossing some pictures up here now and then in hopes that the few faithful readers I have won't notice that I haven't actually written anything in quite some time. An update is long overdue so take my hand and lets gets reaquainted. I've spent this last few months in a constant state of renewal.

For much of the past year I was running on auto pilot . Rewind to the Winter of 2007; it was one crisis after another starting with Jesse’s forced admittance to the Eating Disorders program at The Children’s Hospital. Every day for 6 weeks being at the hospital with her, trying to be supportive in her recovery but instead feeling riddled with guilt wondering if somehow I had caused this. Meanwhile, the little girls at home were wondering where Mommy was. The new job started in February and almost immediately, it all came crumbling down. It was my dream job. I was finally exactly where I wanted to be in my career. Not three weeks into this new job, My grandmother has a fall in Montreal and it’s determined she can never be alone again. She has declared that she wants to die at home. My home. The hospital gives us less than a week to get our affairs in order and bring her home to our place. There is so much chaos. The girls were shuffled around to accommodate. New room, new furniture, new rules. I had to go to my employer and request a leave of absence to take care of my responsibilities at home. They could have canned me, blackballed me, whatever they wanted…and they didn’t. They offered temporary telecommuting. It was difficult. I was juggling working at home and being a mom, caring for Grandma, coaching both of the girls hockey and continuing to help Jesse in treatment. Then Jesse decides it’s the most perfect time to rebel and punish me for putting her in the clinic. She takes the sharpest dagger she could find and she stabs me repeatedly in the heart until I’m bleeding all over the rug and gasping for breath. Unless you’ve experienced it, no one knows the pure hell of not knowing where your child is. This was my first child, my baby and she wasn’t there when I called out for her.

This was how my typical day went: I’d wake up, get the little girls off to school. Spend my morning/early afternoon keeping up with my office work while on the phone looking for Jesse, begging for help from her therapist, her school principal, her friends etc. I would take the younger girls to hockey practice and then race off to the hospital to have dinner with grandma, talk to the nurses about her day, bathe her and get her to bed. Then I’d rush home in time to say goodnight to Drew and Jade. When everyone was asleep I would go down to Jesse’s room, curl up in her bed and sob for hours. It was the only safe spot where I could release. I was depressed. I knew I was depressed yet I just didn’t have the time or resources to take care of myself. I had also quit smoking and was dealing with some serious demons of my own. I was gaining weight. Quite a lot of weight. Just over 22 pounds in all. That was devastating for me. So much self loathing there. That’s the worst part . The self loathing. Its so debilitating.

When Grandma died, I went numb. Losing my Queen was the nail in the coffin. I had never felt more alone.

From there, I’ve spent the last 4 months healing and rejuvenating myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I miss my grandmother so much. At least once a day I cry for her. The mind can be cruel and all too often my thoughts turn to the last few days of her life when she was uncomfortable and delirious. I hate having that image of her stuck in my head. She left me the most wonderful gift of inheritance. The bank was waiting for me with a cupcake and a candle. Thanks to Grandpa and Grandma , I was able to walk into the bank, pay every debt I’ve ever had, purchase a trip down south with Scott and the girls at Christmas and begin renovating my entire home. I’d give it all back, with interest to have her sitting in her chair in my living room again though.

My job is incredible and it keeps getting better and better. I received a substantial promotion in August and after an outstanding performance review I was also given a bonus in September. I brought in another large contract to the firm which has subsequently been given to me and I’m pretty much autonomous. I work intermittently from home and the office. I make my own schedule which is perfect for my lifestyle right now. I am so happy to have found this Firm.

Jesse is doing wonderfully. I’m so proud of her. She’s back in school, she’s back in therapy and she’s trying every single day to help herself and heal the wounds she caused herself and others. Of course, Mommy offered her quite the incentive to make goals and chase after them. Jesse has always wanted to be an Anthropologist and has a fascination with ancient civilizations . I made a pact with her that if she worked hard on herself, worked hard at school and continued to heal herself that her and I alone would go on an eco exhibition to the Myan Ruins in March during the break. This is a dream come true for her and so far it’s been a huge motivator. I know she’s going to find her way. I believe in her. In the words of Robert Munsch…I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

I’m back coaching both Drew and Jades hockey teams this year. It’s as good for me as it is for them. They make my spirit soar, these little girls. Both of them are tough, goal driven and they never give up yet they are so loving and intuitive . They continue to teach and inspire me everyday. These past four months I’ve really worked hard at spending every moment with them. They lost their mom for months prior. Not physically, but emotionally I just wasn’t there. I was too sad and too focused on just surviving. We’ve really reconnected which is Amazing.

Scott isn’t so scared anymore. I know there was a time when he was afraid I wouldn’t be able to pull through the depression. He’s been my rock. He’s always been my rock. He also knows that I’ll never be able to ask for help. I’ll always feel the need to suffer and heal by myself. I’m stronger that way. He’s giving me the time I need right now to really focus on myself. I’ve been taking good care of myself lately. Yes, I still have some extra Booty to get rid of but part of taking care of myself was accepting that it doesn’t have to come off today. Well, it DOES have to come off by December 20th though. –grins-
I need to wear a bikini in Punta Cana. We leave on December 20th and return on the 27th. I can’t wait to introduce Drew to surfing. This will be a lovely trip.

So there you go. I’m in a very good place right now. I’m feeling blessed. Really blessed

Candid Shot

2008-10-03T14:52:00.001-04:00

Future Right Winger for Women's Team Canada With Her 2 Loyal Handlers...

My Queen at age 22

2008-09-13T11:08:00.001-04:00

She's so Beautiful....

Me and My Hero

2008-09-13T11:06:00.000-04:00

A Few More Pictures

2008-09-09T12:39:00.000-04:00

Me and a Friend from work taken last week... and my all time favourite picture of Drew and her Daddy. An update is coming soon, promise

Just to show off ...

2008-08-08T14:31:00.001-04:00

Damn, I make nice babies....Here is a lovely picture of Drew and a beautifully bizarre picture of Jesse that I believe captures the essence of where she's at in her life. It reminds me of a young, rebellious Angelina Jolie

Hazy August Nights

2008-08-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

I figured I'd better stop in quick and offer my faithful reader(s) their dose of chaos commonly refered to as my life.

Actually, It's been quite peaceful as of late ( frantically knocking on all available wood) I've spent the last couple of months in this bright reflective aura. Getting back to the basics really.
I'm remembering how to laugh again, how to enjoy life again without worrying which monster is coming in from the dark.

I've been enjoying many lazy nights cheering on little league games. We've done quite alot of camping this year too. Our favorite spot is a little Island on the Rideau near Perth. Its a boat in site with no one else around. Its perfect for days spent in the boat fishing or jumping on the docks into the the cool water . Watching the stars at night under the bright moon and musical accompanyment of the loons with our cheeks filled with smores is particularly wonderful.

The job has given me such freedom this summer. At the end of the week, I think I put in more hours then I would if I were going to an office everyday, but they are MY hours on MY time
I go into the firm once a week to meet with my boss, stock up on supplies and enjoy the excuse
to wear skirts and heels. The contract was recently extended and I got a raise so I'm keeping
this gig for awhile. I'm so thankful this came my way

I've been getting back to basics with taking care of myself too. I found my passion in running and weight training again and that 17 pounds is starting to come off. Not ONE cigarette either!
Nov 3rd will be the big 1 year anniversary. By then, I'd like to be down all 17 pounds and up
one tattoo. Saying goodbye to the boobs will be difficult. I rather enjoyed cleavage these past few months.

I have some extra motivation. We've decided to skip town this Christmas and head south, to the Dominican Republic. I have every intention of packing that Roots string bikini. It has totally sucked this summer not feeling comfy in swimwear. Yeah, serious. I couldn't even bring myself
to put on a Sears old lady one piece with a skirt attached and tummy panels. What makes me sad is that some women go their whole lives feeling this way. One summer of knee length jersey capri shorts is more than enough for me.

On the neighbor front...They got a baby goat. I kid you not. Get it...Baby goat= kid
They called it baby corn. Baby corn thinks its a dog. At any given time you'll see the neighbors dogs ( the nice dogs) and my dogs playing tag with the goat. The goat actually likes to play tag
If the dogs stop for a breather or a roll in the grass, baby corn will actually try and head butt the dog to get it to move. Its priceless. Yes, I'll take pictures

Hockey season is 3 weeks away but don't tell Drew that. She's been in training camp, competitive camp, 4 on 4 camp...Hockey Hockey Hockey. The kids obsessed. I love to see her have so much passion. Jaden is following in her footsteps it appears. She did one week of junior hockey camp
and loved it. All I ever asked was that 1 of my children played hockey. God loves me. he gave me two

I miss her all the time. I can't drive through Winchester without crying. Thats where the hospital was. I hope she's up there with her ass planted on a cloud, holding hands with gramps
and eating loads of chocolate. Its a comforting thought.

I know I'm not supposed to laugh but...

2008-06-22T09:23:00.000-04:00

Remember the dog next door? The ugly bitch pug that he not so coincidently named Sandi?
Well, it got carried off by a Turkey Vulture , just plucked right from the back field. She became take-out for a nest of hungry baby vultures. I'm not laughing . That would be cruel, immature and insensitive - giggles uncontrollably-

My heart skip and a jump

2008-06-08T16:45:00.000-04:00

She text messages me two days ago...

Mom, I miss you. Can we please see each other?

She wants to meet at our favourite restaurant downtown. The one with the great patio view and salad with pine nuts. I'm over the moon..and then scared. Control yourself Sandi..deep breaths.
She wants to have dinner... you can' t cry and blubber and beg her to come home...you can't duct tape her and throw her in the trunk...you can't smack her upside the head and tell her to stop being so stubborn.

We had a wonderful time. Dinner, some serious talking, a walk through the market in search of decadent gellato. It was heaven for me. She would catch me staring at her and I'd be warm all over. Thats my baby walking arm in arm with me.

Short version is; she misses her life. she realizes that she made some poor choices and never considered the consequences. She feels like she's caught in a downward spiral and knows this isn't what her life is supposed to be. Dear God I was cool as a cucumber. I nodded and squeezed her hand and told her I would do everything I could to help her figure it all out. Inside I was bursting with joy. This is a step, a huge step and she took it on her own. Dad is enabling her right now and although I don't judge him, I also don't think he has the capacity to help her crawl out of the hole by himself. She not ready to come home. She might never be ready. Her dad gives her free rein and she's not quite ready to give that up but she does want to rebuild with me. She does want to reach her hand out to me and let me help her. For now, she is going to see a psychologist once a week and she's going to spend time with her mommy again. This makes me unbelievably happy.

Thank You God. Thank You.

The long mile...

2008-06-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

The long mile back to the land of the living. Its really has been a very long mile. Thinking back I knew it was coming. The calm before the storm was early last fall. I was anxious. I started looking over my shoulder ; metaphorically. Scott ask me why I was agitated and nervous. I told him that I felt a dark cloud coming towards us. For a few years it seemed like we were being gifted with steady good fortune. I started to feel like the pendulum wasn't balanced and like it or not, it was going to swing in the other direction. It did and when the direction did change it was fast and furious. November 2, 2007 to be exact. In all, seven months of storms. Sometimes it was relentless. I definately wasn't left unscathed. April was the month of deep depression. It was very frightening for me and on the days I was cursed ( or blessed?) with insight, I was truly horrified of my behavior. I was desperately trying to shove the people I loved most away. It was simply too exhausting and too much pressure to put up a happy front. I wanted everyone to go away so I could be withdrawn and depressed and full of rage and despair and not have to justify
it to ayone. I didn't want to have to be the emotionally strong mom or the happy wife. I couldn't be that person for months. All I wanted to do was survive . I lost my grndmother, I lost my daughter, I lost my sanity and worst of all, I lost my light

The light is starting to return. Its dim right now, but its starting to buzz with energy. Soon, it'll be very bright again.

I owe a great deal of my current climb back to my job. When I couldn't make that jaunt to work everyday, they supported me 100% . They made me feel like I was valued enough for them to compromise. I was permitted to work from home , given everything I needed to make the transition easier and offered alot of support. When my grnadmother passed, the senior partner called me in and asked if I wanted to remain in this current arrangement.
The client was happy, I was getting strong again and the company was still making a very decent gross profit margin off of me. Everyone was winning. So I was offered to remain in my current arrangement indefinately. I go in once a week for meetings etc but everything else is done through the remote server at home. I talk to the client daily, we are in constant contact via my blackberry. They are currently tendering another contract that they want to firm to handle. The firm who in turn wants to give it to me. All because one person, an older and very wise man respected my decision to walk away from my career to care for my beloved Queen.

I started working out again. I took over 3 months off and that didn't help the depression. At the time though, I couldn't focused on anything but making it through each day. Now I'm focused on strengthing my body again . I think thats an important part of recouperation.

Scott and my Doctor watch over me, content to allow me to fix this myself. I need to try and crawl back on my own. Thats always been my way. I don't know any other way. Besides, I feel like I have one more person looking out for me. She's this cute 91 year old chick with midget sized angel wings and the best toothless smile on heaven and earth. I miss her muchly.

Prologue

2008-05-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

and so you may ask, why does she love this woman so deeply? Why did she love her Grandfather more than any other human being on the planet. The answer is so simple

Because when she was a little girl they were the only ones that truly loved her. As she grew up into a woman, they were always by her side. They never turned their back on her. They always believed in her.

I'm not looking for pity when I make that statement. I don't need pity. Today I am a very strong woman because of my life experiences. I will always get up when I fall down. I can conquer anything.

They gave me the two greatest gifts I'll ever receive on this earth. They gave me love when no one else loved me and they showed me how to love when I didn't think I was capable of loving . They made me human

How do you repay someone for that?

The Epilogue

2008-05-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

She died peacefully. Someone up there was looking out for her. She continued to deteriorate and then stopped eating altogether. At first the Doctor had her on a IV fluids but once they realized she was choosing not to eat or drink and once I showed them her DNR order, they stopped the fluids altogether. She was in an out of conciousness for about 12 hours. I had the Priest come and give her last rights and I was by her side. She was in a bit of pain because as the circulation slows down through the body, your arms and legs can get very hot and itchy. The nurse gave her a very small dose of morphine and she stopped moaning and went to sleep. She died in her sleep 2 hours later. She looked beautifully peaceful and I think I just stared at her for an hour. Around her neck was a gold chain with a ruby cross that I had given her 2 years prior and she never took off. I took it off her neck and placed it on mine before signing her death certificate and her order for cremation. I wore it against my heart for the next 7 days.

Her body was cremated and I had her ashes laid out at the church. The funeral was held in the small Quebec town where she grew up. The town was small but the church was enormous.
Stained glass, alters, statues, the whole Catholic 9 yards. The service was lovely and I gave the Eulogy. I'm a pro now. I wrote my Grandfathers eulogy too. Her ashes were buried beside my beloved Grandfathers and that ruby cross that laid against my heart was given back to her in the grave. Then we were back at the church for lunch. I had framed photos of her life everywhere. the week prior I was creating a life line of her from age 6 to age 90. She looked so gorgeous. Like Grace Kelly. I'm going to scan my favourites and post one here.

I was fairly composed except for parts of the eulogy and at the beginning when something happened I didn't expect. My grandfathers two remaining brothers arrived. When they walked in the church it just took my breath away. One of the brothers is a spitting image of my Grandfather and my first thought was.. you've come back from heaven to take her home with you...and my second thought was.. My God, these beautiful men are honoring their brothers wife 9 years after he has died. I walked up to them and hugged them so tight and cried. After, they both came up to me and told me to please come back and visit . I hadn't been back to visit his family since my grandfathers death. I'm going to. I really am. I need to reconnect.

Marcelle July 07 1917 to May 2007

This song reminds me of her

Womans Work by Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work, This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man, Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said, That I never said.
All the things we should've done, That we never did.
All the things I should've given, But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away.
Give me these moments back. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand.

J'Adore My Queen

Chapter 3 - A smile or two

2008-05-20T21:13:00.000-04:00

She was 91, in a hospital dying, losing her mind a little every day yet when she was on, she was really on and she was very funny.

I'm helping her stand up one morning so I can pull up her clean hospital pants. She presses against me a little too hard and I start teetering backwards. I catch my balance , but her pants have now completely fallen around her ankles. She's holding onto me like we're doing the tango. I laughed and said " Hey lady, wanna dance?" Her eyes lit up and she said YES! and so we did.
We danced the tango in a hospital room with her pants around her ankles and we laughed .

I arrive at dinner and the nurse informs me she hasn't eaten all day. She's lethargic and agitated.
I went in and asked her. Pick anything to eat. Anything at all and I'll get it for you. She says she wants a hamburger. A what? A hamburger. A WHAT? She has been eating soup, jello and rice pudding. I can't remember in years the last time she ate a hamburger but I went down the street to a little french fry and burger joint and bought a burger. I brought it back to the room
and sat it in front of her. She looks at me, grins, removes her false teeth and actually takes a BITE. Not just one bite but many bites. I couldnt stop laughing. This started a new tradition.
Every day when I left I would ask... Pick something to eat..and I would bring it the next day.
She had many odd choices. Crap I have NEVER in my 36 years seen her consume. We had Dr Pepper, Oh Henry Chocolate bars, Girl Guide cookies, Cheese strings...

When I was a kid, my grandparents threw a fancy party and invited all their friends. During this party the topic of death, wills and possessions came up and I very loudly asked my grandmother if I could have her umbrella when she died. There was a collective gasp in the room and then silence. Apparently, an inappropriate question but my grandmother suddenly burst into laughter. She assured me that the umbrella would someday be mine. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My grandmother has no idea where she is or what she's doing there or what year it is for that matter, but she tugs on my arm that day and when I lean in close she says; I saved the umbrella for you. Today, it sits on my dresser

Chapter Two- Let it Flow

2008-05-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

I didn't even get that much time with her. I'm still really bitter about that. I had it all planned out. I made up her room in warm earth tones with a window facing the east so she could see the sun rise every morning. I made her bed every morning, brought her fresh flowers almost daily, made her favourite meals, had tea every day with her. I was so looking forward to the summer with her. I knew that she would love to just swing on the back deck and look out onto the river in the evenings with the cool breeze against her cheek. It never happened, at least not the way I planned it. Later, the Doctors would tell me her blood work showed that something happened to accelerate her deterioration. A heart attack, a small stroke...at 91 it doesn't take much . In the meantime she also caught a cold she couldn't shake. She started falling alot, couldn't stay steady on her feet. She was dellusional and awake all night. She started wheezing alot. One early evening I was cuddling in bed with her, listening to the horrible rattle of her chest and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Sandi, I want to die now' . I just nodded and got up to tell Scott to leave me alone with her for awhile. I shut the door and laid back down beside her. I placed her rosary on her chest and held her hand tight and said " Ok, heres the deal. You have 30 minutes to die. If you don't die on your own in 30 minutes I have to take you to the hospital because I can't watch you suffer. I can't. She nodded and squeezed my hand. We laid there for what seem hours. After 30 minutes I whispered to her that we had to go now. I had to take her to a Doctor. She was never again in my home after that night.

Altogether, she was in the hospital for 3 weeks before she died. It was agony for me to see her like that. I started working from home so I could be there every day. I tried so hard to bring sunlight to her life. I wouldn't allow the nurses to take care of her intimate needs. She was such a proud woman and to have her rolled over like cattle to change her diaper would have killed her spirit. Everynight, I sponge bathed her like a queen. I made her feel pampered, not invalid. She gave me so much in return those last 3 weeks. I'll never be able to explain the deep love I felt for this woman. I would lay my head in her lap and just cry. I would tell her I loved her every moment I could and she would stare so deeply into my eyes and say 'I know Sandi, I've always known' . I would go home and cry for hours every night. I wanted to take her home. I wanted her to die in my arms but I couldn't. The rational side of me knew it wouldnt be healthy for the children to be around pending death 24/7. They deserved a reprieve, a safe place.. and that was their home. She started to deteriorate more every day, physically and mentally. One day when I arrived, she was in a chair crying. I held her and asked what was wrong. She told me that she was so sad because the day was coming when I'd visit and she wouldn't know who I was. I told her it was okay. Souls never forget each other. This was just her body breaking down. She never did end up forgetting me. Sometimes though, she would forget the time era. She would remember an occasion distinctly but I was 10, not 36 and she was talking to me accordingly.
She had me laughing so much sometimes....

I need a break

and so I attempt Chapter 1

2008-05-20T17:52:00.000-04:00

I wanted to wait until my head cleared so I could articulate my thoughts in a way that could splash multi colors of emotion onto the paper. I don't know if I can ever do it justice and so I'll just write and let it take me wherever I need to go. I think I'll break all the rules and start in the middle. This is the eulogy that I spoke at her funeral; Thats all for now

I called her My Queen ... and to me she was a Queen.

I’ve had her on a pedestal since I was a little girl. As many of you know, I was very close to my grandparents. I spent most of my summers and holidays with them. I have memories that go way back of Fridays spent with Grandma. This was a VERY special day for us. This was the day we left for Lac Chaud for the weekend. In the afternoon, Grandma and I would walk to Steinbergs in St Michel for groceries . I was always very well behaved. In fact, I didn’t move the whole time. My nose would stay pressed against the glass of the rotisarie chickens and on the way out, Grandma would buy me one of those delicious chicken legs. We would sit on the front steps together and wait for Grandpa to get home. We would sing “You are My sunshine together and I’d eat my chicken leg” I Lived for those weekends. Grandma and I would fish from the dock together, pick wild raspberries together, go for long walks in the forest holding hands. When she sold the cottage I went up with my sister for one last goodbye and I cried so much. I felt like my childhood memories were gone, but they weren’t. They were always in her heart...and in mine. Those memories grew as I became an adult. I loved having her in my life and having my husband and children get to know her. She spent almost every Christmas at my home and she brought me so much joy. She kept the traditions alive and it wasn’t easy for her. I had 3 kids and 3 dogs…and Grandma. The kids would be running and screaming, soccer balls and hockey pucks would fly over her head, dogs would jump in her lap and still she laughed she still wanted to come next year .

My whole life I haven’t listened to anyone. I’m very stubborn but I always listened to Grandma. I thought she was the wisest woman I ever knew. I still believe that today. If you took the time to listen to her stories there was always a lesson to learn. She was teaching me right up until she died. One day, two weeks ago I was having a sad day It was hard for me to see her in the hospital . I sat down and just rested my cheek on her lap. She touched my hair and said “ Don’t be sad Sandi. This is life. God allows us to look at life in two ways. Good or bad. It always your choice. Always look for the good.’

I’m trying Grandma. I’m trying to look for the good. I’m trying to smile knowing that finally, you are with your True Love again. You are with your mother, your father, your baby boy…Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being part of my life. I love you so much My Queen and I’ll miss you

Oh Wait.. and a little not-so-funny funny story

2008-04-19T07:50:00.000-04:00

The crazy psycho neighbor...he bought himself a new dog

and called it Sandi

Coincidence? You tell me

I'm outside taking my trash out yesterday and he's out there, naked from the waist up in all his glory screaming, Sandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Sannnnnnnndiiiiiiii, Come here girl. Come on you little bitch.
Then he looks at me and smirks

If he wasn't such a crazy asshole.. I'd consider it Halarious. Secretly I do find it quite funny and I had to shut my door before laughing.

Always Room For a Little Bitching....

2008-04-19T07:40:00.001-04:00

Okay, THIS is really pissing me off...

In all my my own chaos , I'm also helping a dear friend of mine prepare for her Wedding in 3 weeks. She's an angel. No Bridezillia lurking. We had a nice shower for her a couple of weeks ago, but I have to be honest; it was kind of dull. The older family members planned it and it was little more than church sandwiches and presents ( exception was the homemade cake from heaven)
No laughter, no games, no silly advice...So I decided to have a girls only dinner for her tonight.
I made reservations at a nice Martini Bar that serves great food. I had 10 ladies on my list . By the 4th call, I had to show some restraint and keep the bitch inside out of respect for my friend.
These 'ladies' sounded annoyed to be bothered with an invite and one even said ' ANOTHER party????"

Okay people, just because you've been invited to 20 bridal showers/ stags etc , try and remember that for the Bride, it's her ONE special day. Suck it up and treat her like a fucking princess because when she's wiping snotty noses, making school lunches, folding laundry, all while staring at her ever expanding ass and that wrinkle creeping in under her eyes she's going to think back with a smile to this special day that was just for her!

Ok, done

A note left on the fence post

2008-04-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to write yet. I've stopped and started more than a few times but remarkably, the words just don't come. No, thats not exactly true. The words do come.. they just come all jumbled in floods. I can't articulate properly these days and so I don't. I was inspired today though. A quote from one of my favourite people.

" I don't feel like I'm a human having a spiritual experience; I feel like a spiritual being having a human experience. Its not something I'm choosing. It's choosing me. "

At this time, I'm grieving the temporary loss of my 17 year daughter who has decided that she needs to experince the world on her own. My heart is broken. It actually physically hurts which I never knew was possible . She has always been the beautiful bird that flew away from the flock. I cry every single night for her

At this time I'm also experiencing the death process as I help my dying grandmother let go of this life and transition to the next. She's 91, bedridden, blind with the start of dementia.
She's 10 minutes away from me and I'm with her every day. We're sharing this beautiful space for which I am eternally thankful. The lessons I'm learning right now are life altering. The experience has penetrated me deeply. I cry every single night for her too

I'm struggling with depression. Deep depression. Its okay. I'm moving to the next level and this growth is essential . I'm protected though, both in spirit and in the close circle around me

and this is why I can't write right now.

I will again. I promise.

Week 2 - Still smiling...and still have the glasses!

2008-02-20T23:35:00.001-05:00

Oliver and Maggie

2008-02-16T08:11:00.001-05:00

WOW!

2008-02-15T14:22:00.000-05:00

So much to tell! Pictures now, update later. If you'll notice Becka and Phil, The glasses are ON

The dirt

2008-02-12T09:31:00.000-05:00

It wasn't actually planned. Not really. I had been yearning for a new challenge lately but wasn't chasing it quite yet. A small ad in the business section of the paper catches my eye. On my way out the door to hockey I e-mail a brief cover letter and attach my resume. I really didn't give it another thought. Two days later an e-mail appears. They received my resume and would like to schedule an interview ASAP. Wow, ok. Must be a semi blind auto reply. You know; mass assembly line interviews. I bite the hook, schedule an interview and go out to buy tights for my dusty suit. The night before the interview I settle on the couch with some green tea and research the company online. I admit; I'm impressed...and suddenly very nervous. The largest accounting firm in Ottawa, 90 years in business, 18 largest in Canada. It's midnight and I'm staring at my dusty suit and briefcase that is currently filled with Dora the Explorer coloring pages and I'm thinking. Do I want to do this? Am I ready for this kind of extreme change? Absofuckinglutly! When was the last time my heart raced in anticipation of a challenge? I forgot how good it feels.

The office is right in the heart of downtown which I love. Starbucks to the left, martini bar to the right. I laughed when I arrived at the office for my 8:30 am interview. I was thinking how much this office resembled the Salon in a game of Clue. Professor Mustard is interviewing me, with the knife, in the salon. The cherrywood tables, loom rugs, rich color palates on the walls, leather sofas. God, I hope I don't have dog shit on my shoes.

The interview was fantastic. Everything flowed. My resume was well received, I asked all the right questions, impressed them with my research, showcased reasonable intelligence, stellar manners and didn't forget to cross my legs. My 1000 watt smile dimmed when they asked me to please stay an extra 30 minutes to complete a 'small but very revealing exam' It was explained how in the past, potential candidates have proclaimed extensive experience only to fail miserably. No pressure or anything . The exam is full of trick questions. I'm sweating in this room by myself which seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the second, my suit feels itchy, my head is aching and I think I'm going to vomit all over my shoes. I finished the exam, attempted to look confident when I shook the VP's hand and escaped out into the street gasping for breath. That evening, we drank a bottle of wine and I laughed it off, convinced I failed the test and that my score wouldn't even merit a polite rejection letter. You can imagine my shock when a letter in my e-mail inbox reads...employment offer. I should have been calm. I should have waited until at LEAST noon before replying and accepting the offer but I was like a 14 year old boy at his first bump and grind highschool dance. I blew my load and I immediately accepted the offer promising to send my formal, written acceptance by registered mail that day. At least they know I'm motivated and excited to be there right?

I gave two weeks notice at work that day. That was a shock to everyone. The mood here has changed . Its sterile and chilly. I know its to be expected when you surprise everyone with a resignation but it's just very awkward. I can't be too upset about that. I had shopping to do.
Lots and lots of shopping! I've been in casual attire for many years now and forgot what heels and skirts felt like. I've had to catwalk around my house for a week now so I don't stumble down the stairs in pumps on my first day. While in Kingston this past weekend I spent a small fortune at the Jones of New York outlet store but wow, I have some nice business attire. Wool skirts, suits, sweaters , a gorgeous wool coat, blouses. Actually, the prices were fantastic and I even treated myself to Channel sunglasses and a purse . Thursday and Friday morning I'm going in to meet everyone, settle in and get comfortable. My official start day is Feb 19th.

I'm exhilerated and fucking scared to death. Its great.

Kingston, my secrets and da bomb

2008-02-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

It's over already! I just got home from 4 days away in Kingston for Drews Hockey tournament.
It was SO much fun and I'm kinda blue that it came to an end today. We left Thursday morning for our adventure. The train was great. Drew loved it. She was mesmorized by the view and I loved watching her excitement. We got into Kingston, took a taxi to the hotel, checked in and found the other two families that had checked in Thursday. The kids swam in the pool for awhile and then we spend the evening in the suites having some drinks together. It was an early night. The only early night. The rest of the weekend was chaos. Friday/Sat/Sun we played games throughout the day, had dinner together ( all 45 of us) at night. Once the kids were all in bed, the adults had quite the party. I remain the euchre champ of ALL time, beating everyone over a two night streak! I was reasonably well behaved, sticking mostly to white wine and green apple with vodka. One of the dads was my euchre partner Friday night and we kicked serious ass. The sweet victory was almost short lived after I proceeded to have a rather salacious dream about him that night. I felt SO guilty. God, it was dreadful. Everytime I looked at him Saturday , my cheeks would flush. I asked his wife to go shopping at the outlet stores with me just to ease my conscience which is pretty silly considering it was just a dream. I don't typically have dreams about people in my real world, nevermind sex dreams!

Da bomb part A - I gave my two weeks notice for work. My last day is Feb 13th

Da bomb part B - I have a new job starting Feb 18th downtown at the largest Accounting firm in Ottawa.

Ha Ha! Surprised?

Sleepless...

2008-01-30T09:56:00.000-05:00

Why am I surprised? Another man in my life who snores and grunts. Prince Oliver ( yes, he's already decided he's a Prince) snores all night long except for the occasional grunt when he shifts position. When he does shift position that usually involves me getting a paw in the face.
Yes, the Prince sleep in my bed and yes, the Prince requires his own pillow. Princess Maggie
is feeling a little slighted these days and has been crawling into bed too. Scott has been working nights so its not been a big deal having two dogs in the bed ( Thank God Lara is too lazy to crawl up and prefers her spot at the end of the bed on the floor) I'm interested to see what power struggle ensues when Scott wants his bed back. Which man is going to win?

I had an old lady moment today. I was driving to work and completely forgot what road I was on, where I was going and why was I going there. Lasted maybe less than a second but shit, freaky feeling. If I had forgotten who I was, I would have been driving straight to the hospital, do not pass go. Come to think of it, I could use a few days in a padded room, all alone wearing a nighty and having my food served to me. Who am I?

Introducing...

2008-01-26T23:44:00.000-05:00

My Little Man Olliver, Born Dec 6th 2007. He's such a chunky monkey. This boy is gonna be short and stout. I LOVE him!!

Humility in Stirups

2008-01-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

This ones for you Becka because as life dictates; if you talk about it, it WILL happen.

I was visiting with Becka Monday afternoon and we were discussing my hesitation of gynecological issues with my family Doctor. I love my family Doctor. He's a typical country Doctor; always available, very caring and attentive. My entire family see's him and loves him too. Only one problem with country Doctors. You know them a little too well. You go to church together, sit together at the community roast beef night, cheer your kids on together at hockey practice, ride the annual Christmas float in the parade together etc.

Call me ridiculous but I cannot show my vagina to the man who buys me coffee at our kids Saturday morning hockey practice . It's way too close to being a date. Throw in the fact that his lovely wife , whom I also adore happens to be the head nurse and the creepy factor jumps way high. This was in the past.

As luck would have it ( I personally think God loves fucking with me) I had some pretty intense pelvic pain Monday night. By Tuesday morning I could barely move and was convinced I was either having an ectopic pregnancy or a kidney infection.

* Becka - Freaking wierd huh?? Considering...

I called my Doctor and got in ASAP. After desciribing my symptoms and him feeling my belly, he says just a sec..and promptly leaves. In walks the nurse ( his wife) with the PAP Kit. Oh no....not the kit, please not the kit. This is my nightmare right here. My face must have gone white because the nurse asks me what wrong. My eyes scan over the PAP kit and I plead with her; Can't we please just do an x-ray or something? She scowls at me and proceeds to tell me that every X-ray we get increases our chances of certain cancers. She throws me a paper sheet, tells me to undress from the waist down and says. "Cancer OR humiity? Suck it up buttercup!"

Nobody freak. Looks like an irritated cervix. More tests pending. Scott is walking around like a peacock. Give me a break. Could be the soap I use. - Laughs-

Balance is Key

2008-01-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

Which is why I'm taking a break from posting Drama - and thats no easy task-

Tonight, something a little lighter.

We were playing Clue last night. Drew got it for Christmas and its become her new favourite.
Jade plays too but she can't remember who she asked what so we expect repeats. This.. we did NOT expect.

Jade: "Ok everyone, I have a suspection! ( a new Jaden word) I suspect Colonel Mustard and Mrs White in the Salon making babies!

4 people, jaws dropped then a burst of laughter.

Drew has her hockey tournament coming up in Kingston in 2 weeks. This year, only Drew and I are going as the rest of the gang needs to stay home with the new puppy and Jade has her own hockey practices to attend. We play Fri-Sun but I wanted to make it extra special since its just the two of us. We have an adventre planned! I'm sending her Hockey gear along with the other coach and Drew and I are taking the train down Thursday morning. Thursday afternoon before we check in to the hotel. We're touring some ghost sites that were featured on Creepy Canada. Its Drews favourite show on tv and she wants to see the real place. We'll have fun. I'm happy to have this chicks weekend with my baby

Psycho Alert for The Day

2008-01-16T14:15:00.000-05:00

It's been 4 days since we shot the dog. 4 days.

The corpse is still on his driveway. Exactly how it was left. He's parked his truck right beside the corpse every day when he comes home from work .

This is seriously fucked up.

Its done

2008-01-14T06:22:00.000-05:00

The dog is dead.

I came home from hockey yesterday afternoon and one of the dogs from next door was off the line again. As I opened the car door it started running towards me so I slammed the door shut
and honked on the horn to get Scott's ( who was in the house) attention. He comes to the door, I point and he immediately knows. He leaves for a few minutes and then I see the door open and Scott comes out to the front yard with the cross bow, loaded and ready. He motions to me to take a run for it. I took a deep breath and I opened the car door and ran for the door. The dog saw me, it actually marked me with its eyes and came straight at me. Scott stood inbetween the dog and I and shot it. It rolled, recoiled back and died.

The police were here a couple of hours. We had to file a report. There was a blood trail all across our property so the police knew the story was accurate. We acted in self defence. My life was in danger so we were permitted to kill the dog. The officer was shocked when he learned that the dead dog was a pit bull/bull mastiff mix. He said mixing a pit bull with a mastiff that is bred for hunting and tracking BULLS is one nasty dog. I am very angry at the owners because while I have no regret that the animal is dead, I am angry that the ignorance of the owner placed the dog in a position to be killed.

Now we deal with the fallout from our psycho neighbor. The police stayed until he got home and spoke to him. Then the police left and I was a little put out that they didn't stop by and tell me how the confrontation went. I mean come on, I fully expect this guy to show up on my door very angry and very aggressive. It would be nice to know if that day is coming sooner or later.

Its a shitty situation but it's done. My children and my safety come first. Period.

My Warrior Lara plus My new rack and JLo

2008-01-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

My poor Lara . She got into it again last night with the neighbor dog and has a huge gash above her eye. She's going in for stitches this morning. I've had enough. I've called Bi Law, they do nothing. I've called the City, they do nothing. I've called the police , they do nothing. These pitbulls will kill my dogs; but worse ...its only a matter of time before they kill a child. I've tried

every diplomatic means possible, and then some. I'm no longer going to be diplomatic. I'm meeting with a lawyer today to get a consultation . Basically I want to know the worse case scenario if I kill these pit bulls. Jail? Fine? Public slap on the wrist or a hero metal? I want this resolved now. Baby Oliver is coming home in 10 days. A lab puppy will make a morning snack for a pit bull. Not gonna happen. I'm protecting my family and my animals here because the city refuses to get involved.

Now, if you're not an animal lover, no worries. The bonus feature in this picture is my new 'rack'

-Laughs- I'm almost at the 3 month mark ( not smoking) and I finally stopped gaining weight. The grand total was -drum rolls- 13 pounds! It was liberating actually. In some ways, I'm enjoying being curvy. I haven't been this way since after Jade was born. It was time to get back to my old self though so I've fired up my routine I'm running 3x's a week and weight training 3 x's a week plus hockey randomly. I've already lost 3 pounds, Actually I'd like to lose 7 more and convert the remaining 3 to lean muscle mass.

I won't miss the J LO butt but will miss the Jenna Jameson Boobs. Thats how the weight was distributed...8 on my butt and 5 in the chest. I wasn't going to post pictures of the larger Sandi but vanity comes second after " Holy shit, you have to see the rack" soooo... below are two very recent pics. No one will believe that I went from a size A 32 to a B 36. Here is proof. I have no shame. You also get a sneak pic at the JLo butt. Holy curvy

No Laughing... ok, only a lil laughing

The 2007 Farewell

2007-12-31T17:53:00.000-05:00

I never go out New Years Eve, ever. Every year I bring in the New Year at home with family or friends, a quiet dinner and bottle of wine. I have no interest in sharing the final day of the year with drunk strangers. I prefer to celebrate a little more intimately. This year its really intimate -Laughs- Scott is working nights and Jess is out with friends. The little girls and I are on our own and I'm excited. I could have invited my extended family but the more I thought about it, the more I'm happy its just the 3 of us. Dinner is cooking so I had time to write. I decided on a small buffet of the girls favourite food. Just a little sample of everything. They have ribs, homemade pizza, BBQ meatballs, chicken souvlaki, spicy rice, french fries and hot soft pretzels.
Dessert is Expresso bean and chocolate ice cream . I went out today and bought some Stuff for our party. We have matching slippers , movies, chips, the game of Clue, noisemakers and a felt board for keeping score with the wii games. We have ourselves a party!

2007 was a very good year. Alot of challenges, alot of triumps and alot of lessons learned.

I'll talk about that soon but for now, Happy New Year Everyone.

In 2008 strive to be a better spouse/son/daughter/mother/father /sister/brother/friend. Know that you are a small but very relevant cog in the wheel. Continue to evolve . Continue to forgive and continue to love.

Synopsis and Something Grinworthy

2007-12-27T22:00:00.001-05:00

Christmas in a few words...

Joyous, Nostalgic, Chaos, Laughter, Irritability, Sharing, Stomach bloating, Romantic, Ever Expanding Ass, Exhausting, Intoxication, Peaceful, Expensive, Gluttony, Charity, Love, Divorce, Commercial, Beautiful

Finally Fucking OVER!

Scott has this beloved Nativity scene he puts up every Christmas. Made by his Mother, its very special to him and there is an unspoken understanding in our house that no one touches Daddy's nativity scene. Okay, it's no longer unspoken. A couple years back, a hockey puck collided with the Wise Men and The Nativity scene disapeared for awhile only to emerge this year with some specific instructions. I was lighting some candles around the livingroom Christmas Eve with a house full of guests. I was preoccupied so I laid the lighter down NEAR the nativity scene. Big Mistake! Jaden comes screaming down the Hallway.... "Someome protect Jebus! Someone Protect Jebus! "

Ok, who the hell is Jebus and why does he need protecting?

Jaden explains to me that Baby 'Jebus' in the Manger need protection because I left the lighter near the Nativity scene and if Baby Jebus catches fire, Daddy is gonna be REAL mad! I tucked
the lighter away on top of the Stove cupboard. Baby Jesus survives and Christmas can carry on. All is well with the world again.

My 91 year old grandmother was introduced to the wii . My sister videotaped it and wants to put it on Utube. I'm not exploiting my Grandma but I will say that at 4 foot 10 with only one eye and one leg she has one hell of an upper cut in boxing .

One of Drews friends from hockey gets some cologne for Christmas. This in itself is funny. What does an 8 year old boy do with a $125 bottle of Abercrombie & Fitch ??? He bathes in it of course thinking he's gonna impress my daughter. Another big mistake. We had
a hockey tournament today and were invited over to one of the players homes after for a glass of wine and the afternoon together. He's the goalie and a great little kid. Very skilled, very cute and very arrogant. He adores Drew and was thrilled that she was coming over to hang out today. Within seconds of our arrival, the boy comes racing down the stairs with this cloud of overpowering scent folllowing him. I stared at the mother with a grin, my eyes questioning. She laughs and explains that its his new cologne. The first cologne he's ever received. We were there about 5 hours, drank wine, ate lunch, played a game ..all while Drew and this boy played X box, hockey, watched the game on tv etc. Every time he broke even the slightest sweat he would spray himself down with this cologne. Finally, Drew says ' What is that stink??? Stop spraying that crap. Its making me sneeze and it smells worse than my dogs bum"

Nothing like a reality check at the tender age of 8. She likes you for you dude. She likes you because she can kick your ass at X box and you don't cry about it. She likes you because you aren't afraid to push her back on the ice. She likes you because whoever has the cash at the time always buys the other one hockey cards. Thats way cool. The cologne.. not cool.

Decemeber 26th was filled with turmoil. At 10 pm last night there is a loud knock at our door. We open it to discovered our neighbor, crying hysterically, holding her 1 year old baby daughter in her arms, her other 6 and 9 year old daughter crying along beside her. We usher them inside knowing full well whats happened. He's an asshole. He abuses them. I've been trying to help her since the summer. I couldn't force her to leave him but always told her I would be there when she was ready to leave. Finally, after he destoys the house, tears the phone from the wall and threatens to kill the 5 year old, she's had enough. I'm so relieved. This is step one. We called the police. They found her a shelter. We kept them with us for the evening until the Police arrives.
I comforted her girls while mom was with the police officers. She is afraid. She is afraid for herself, afraid for her daughters, afraid for her future and afraid for me. She tells the officer that the asshole knew she would run to my house for help and threatened us. Bring it on I said.
I'm not afraid of him. He's just a weak little man that will bleed to death just like every other slaughtered pig should he try and harm me. I hate males like this. They taint the gene pool. They deserve to be hunted down and slaughtered by other real men.

Scott made me proud.

We were saying goodbye as the police were about to take them to the shelter. One of the little girls says to Scott. Thank you, you saved us. He got down, looked at her and corrected her. No he said. I didn't save you. Your Mommy saved you. Your Mommy protected you tonight and did what she was supposed to do. This was HUGE for these little girls to hear. I'm praying for them
Please pray for them too

The Eve of Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T01:44:00.000-05:00

It's 2 am and I'm done! I just finished all the baking for the party tomorrow night. Scott does all the cooking and I do all the baking. I figured I'd finish it up tonight while everyone is sleeping so I could set the pace a little slower tomorrow. I had the Ipod going and baking up a storm. A snowflake cake ( white cake, white icing, silver snowballs and covered in sweet coconut) Skor toffee bars, macaroons, m&m cookies and shortbread. I just made some licorice tea and wanted to blog a little before I head to bed.

Every year on Christmas Eve we have a tradition. After the kids have gone to bed and the rest of my family has crashed somewhere in my house, Scott and I find some time to lay under the tree for an hour . We share thoughts on the past year. The good, the not so good, the lessons we've learned, what we want to work towards in the coming year. I was reflecting tonight. I'll share a few observations and lessons I've learned.

I underestimated Jaden, my baby. I always assumed Drew was the tough one, and she is but Jaden is so much the same. She started hockey this year and her intensity blows me away. She caught the bug her sister has. The are both so intense, so determined. Its an amazing quality.

I strongly suggest everyone fear death at least once. It will absolutely change the way you live your life. It changed mine. I had never valued life so much as I did this year. 2007 came the shocking revelation that life is not infinate . The minute I realized that, I wanted to live forever. I gave up all bad habits, pushed myself past my own limits and created new challenges. 2008 will be an extention of that

I spent my life wanting to be on the inside but never fitting in. In 2007, I fit it and I learned that I wasn't missing anything afterall. Popularity is highly overrated and I don't care what anyone says, yes it does change you. I don't want to ever change who I am so I gave back the popularity with a nice thank you note. Thanks.. but no thanks.

Never assume your teenager isn't listening. Sometimes we don't give them near enough credit for deductive thinking and reasoning. Just because they don't admit it, they actually do pick up a few life lessons along the way.

God chose Scott for me. He chose him because he knew anyone else would run away. If I pushed hard enough they would all run. Not Scott. He knows my guts. He has to reach inside that bloody mess to find my heart. I hate that I punish him for sticking it out. I love that he is strong enough to endure my wraith. He is teaching me. I am learning

I got my first wrinkle and I wasn't upset. In fact, it made me smile. Suddenly, I felt wiser than everyone. Like that wrinkle was a deserved rite of passage. I wonder if I'll feel the same way when my ass starts to expand.

I've finally accepted being a metaphoric orphan. My father is too scared and my mother is too selfish to have an intimate relationship with me. I am loved. It need not come from the people that gave you life.. it comes from the people that celebrate and value your life.

Next, I'll look ahead to 2008

For now, Happy Holidays . I wish all of you clarity, peace and that umistakable feeling of being loved.

I found these on my camera

2007-12-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

Pictures of Drew and Jade this past Sept on the first day of school. Look at these faces. You just know they're trouble.

Don't mess with my midget chicks

2007-12-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

I loved these picture. My bad ass little women. I love you guys deep to my bones

Lies, deceit and WWF

2007-12-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

I had to work a little late last night so I met up with Scott, and Jade at the rink while Drew had a practice . I walk in and Scott says 'Watch this" and points to the bleachers inside the rink.
Jade is charging at two boys ( who were actually Drews friends that came to watch her play) and trying to throw one over the side of the bleachers.. I screamed.. " Jade, WHAT are you doing???" Scott says 'Watch closer" and I do. Oh Good God, she is play wrestling! The boys are pretending to be flung around like rag dolls by my 5 year old daughter. I burst out laughing , as did the father of the boys . I turned to him and said " Geesh , your sons already corrupted one of my daughters, now they are starting on the other.

Today, I took half a day off to volunteer at the girls school for the Jingle Bell Bizarre. I do it every year. Its a day at school filled with Christmas shopping, present wrapping, great food and a visit from Santa. Every year I do the 'Thank You' lunch. Thats a lunch provided to the teachers for their great work with our kids. I organize the event, set up and decorate all the tables, ensure all the donated food is heat up or cut up or poured or whatever it needs.

I have a confession.

I do it for the food.

There. I said it.

I love the teachers and they really do a great job but the food is amazing. At least 30-40 dishes
are donated from parents and its all homemade delicious food. Everything from pastas to meatballs to chicken in peanut sauce to cesear salad to scalloped potatoes ...The dessert table is 15 feet long! Think of the most amazing homemade buffet on the planet and thats this luncheon
I run around for 4 hours like a chicken with my head cut off but when I get to sit down and sample these dishes, it's worth it all. Of course, lunch with the gossip loving teaching staff is always a bonus too.

Christmas Miracles

2007-12-10T21:58:00.000-05:00

Its been a week of bright sunshine; literally and metaphorically.

Jesse came home for good last Thursday after a month. We have a long climb ahead of us and she'll be going to therapy and clinic weekly for quite some time, but there is so much hope now. The Doctors were so inspired by her. She was orginally to be admitted for 12-16 weeks but showed so much progress that she was released after almost 5 weeks. Physically and mentally she pushed over mountains, yet emotionally she was so fragile. She was very sad being away from home . Jesse, much like the little girls has always been very connected to the family unit. Traditions and memories and time spent together is so precious to her. Being isolated was very painful and frustrating to her and in the end the Dr's agreed that being home would be more beneficial. Its been a whirlwind ever since.

On the drive home , my cell phone rings. Its the dog breeder. Olliver aka Ollie was just born and doing wonderfully. Olliver is a male chocolate lab who also happens to be my black lab
Maggie's baby brother. When we got Maggie 18 months ago, we were so impressed with the breeder and the health/demeanor of the puppies that we knew we'd be coming back for a sibling. He's HERE! We can come visit in 2 weeks to spend some time with him and we'll be able to take Ollie home in Late January. Jesse was So excited. It was a wonderful welcome home present!

We've been so busy preparing for Christmas. We got into the Clark Griswald mode this past weekend and decorated like crazy. Saturday, we went to this amazing place in North Gore for the tree. They actually take you out in a horse drawn sleigh to pick and cut down your own tree then take you back to the lodge for cookies and hot chocolate around the fire while they prepare your tree for the roof top trip home. We had a wonderful time.

I have a houseful Christmas Eve again this year and can't wait. Christmas really does have an extra special meaning this year and I've been maximizing my emotional touchy/ feely crap.
I've been playing around with various homemade pizza doughs this past week. One of the foods I want to serve up Christmas Eve is fresh, handmade pizza. I actually pulled it off! The yeast worked, the dough rised and it was tasty! I'll probably never be able to achieve that again, but I'll be optimistic

Wonderland

2007-11-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

Oh, its beautiful! It snowed furiously last night on my way home. The trip was a bit dicey but I made it unscathed. The snow stopped around 8 pm and the view was breathtaking. The bright moon casting light on the fluffy snow creating mountains of diamond sparkles. Being me, what do I do? I get in the car at 9 pm and go for a long drive. I stopped for hot chocolate , slid in a cd(Trans Siberian Orchestra ) and then just drove, mesmorized by the beauty. An hour later, on a whim I go and surprise Jesse at the hospital. She's taking a shower and not in her room so I slip between the sheets and wait. She comes around the corner and squeals in delight when she see's me. It's been decided right there. I called home and said I was spending the night at the hospital cuddling with Jess in the bed from hell. I took a shower there this morning and came to work.

Busy weekend ahead. When is it not?

Tonight is Drews Hockey Christmas party at Cosmic Adventures. Pizza, presents and 16 kids whacked out on sugar crack. Tomorrow morning Drew has a hockey game at 10:30. The rink is near my brothers house so he and his wife are meeting us to watch the game and go for breakfast after. I think tomorrow evening is a great time to decorate the house. I want to go to the craft store and pick up some stuff. I saw the cutest reindeer in a magazine that the little girls can easily make and I want these reindeer everywhere!

Sunday is two hockey practices and I may venture into some Christmas cookie baking if I'm feeling adventurous and our smoke detector batteries have been changed. Wait, maybe some shopping too.

Speaking of which, here is my unofficial Christmas list to no one .

* Burton Yellow Goldfish snowboard jacket that matches my pants

* Grey snowboard mits

* Armani Sensei

* Offwhite converse

* a red hand knit scarf and mits

* Wool socks

* A camo backpack

* More flannel sheets

* A new watch

* Starbucks extra bold beans

* Mini George foreman grill for work

The couds break

2007-11-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

and the sun shines again.

I celebrated 3 weeks of non smoking yesterday. I have a few thoughts on that to share.

1. I feel great. Not only great but very very optimistic. Something changed from my attempt last year. Last year I tried to quit and I missed smoking. I mean I really missed smoking. Although I trudged through for awhile, I was miserable. This time I'm not. I don't miss it at all. I don't crave it, don't remember it fondly, don't have triggers when I smell smoke. In fact, the smell makes me sick and I LOVE that my clothes smell like my favourite perfume now, not like an ashtray. My heightened sense of smell and taste is a bonus too. Well, except for cramped spaces and other peoples flatulance but lets stick to the positives ok? My routine is working and it appears my metabolism is re-setting itself . I didn't limited myself in food over these past weeks. I just added more cardio to compensate and it worked. The 4 pounds I gained has dropped by itself down to 1.5.

2. Its a huge accomplishment for me. Bigger than people understand. I'm a control freak. I have always controlled everything and I could not control this. I could not control that poison I was addicted to. There was self loathing in that. A weakness about myself I detested. Now, I control it. 100%

3. People are waiting for me to fail. Fuck, I hate that. A piece of advice for all you non smokers who have a loved one trying to quit. SUPPORT THEM! I don't care if they have tried and failed 1 million times before. It's IRRELEVANT. At this moment in time they have quit. Thats RELEVANT. Don't assume they'll fail. Give them reason to succeed.

4. Jesse was my biggest inspiration and I owe her huge. In fact, I may just owe her my life.

Speaking of my sunshine, she's coming home soon. I can't begin to explain how happy I feel about that. I've been literally skipping around these past few days. The sun just seems to shine brighter, my steps are lighter, my smile is brighter. The world will soon be right again. My favourite expression at home " WE are 5..not 4,3,2 or 1. We are 5!"

Can I Pleeeeeease start shopping soon? I'm losing my mind because I haven't started Christmas shopping. Normally, I'm almost done by now but because of everything that has gone down, time was precious and shopping didn't make the cut. Look out. It'll be chaos when I step into that shopping mall soon.

Two smiles ordered up...

2007-11-17T18:30:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a dear girlfriend last night, just venting about my chaos..she laughs and says " You need to get laid" I told her I had too much on my mind to even think about that. She tells
me she has the perfect solution .. breathing excercises

huh?

Oh yeah she explains, these deep breathing excercises will essentially relieve total body stress . After 5 minutes of listening to her detail face yoga, breathing from your ass (??????) understanding your Chakra's etc I just had to burst out laughing. Honey, I said. When I need to relieve stress, I beat the shit out of a boxing bag. Besides, I was only really calling to see if you
had a recipe for pot brownies. After one of those, me and my Chakras will be just dandy.
- I was Joking. I have no more bad habits, unfortunately-

I love her

Today was the annual Fighfighters Santa Claus parade. We go every year but this year we all decided to take part and walk in the parade. Dressed in silly hats and costumes, we slung our candy bags and walked the parade route collecting money and toys and eating more candy than we gave out. Went out for pizza with all the guys after and came home to a wonderful two hour nap. I wished J had been with us. It was a great day but I felt incomplete without my mermaid.

Why does food taste so much better after you quit smoking? I've amped up my fitness routine to compensate for my current weakness for every single kind of food I shove in my mouth.
Everything I eat is orgasmic. Pizza and chocolate and popcorn and icecream and and and and.

Cleaning House

2007-11-16T10:04:00.000-05:00

Cigarettes were first to go. It's been 10 days. During one of the most difficult times of my life, I have not lit up ONCE. Its very empowering.

Second to go. Toxic relationships. This letter was e-mailed this morning;

"I've taken steps away from you for months now, not that you would have noticed nor cared. I'm now ready to sever the ties. I choose not to allow you in my life anymore. Any relationship with you is toxic and I've come to acknowledge that will never change. As always, you are free to visit with your grandchildren (outside of my home) and obviously we'll have to share space at family functions but respect me enough to honor my wishes. Don't send me some long e-mail or phone me. I'm really not interested . Its dead. "

More is coming. I'm only beginning to gain speed ....

Show me the Light please

2007-11-15T08:38:00.000-05:00

"Neither the fury of the blowing wind, nor the rage of the pouring rain, nor the might of the smothering earth can put out the fury of the fire that propels me to prevail and succeed" Unknown Author

My world seems very dark today. I've conquered each obstacle and yet they keep coming. I'm beginning to get bruised by all these bumps. I know it will end, I know the light will come. I've have never favored self pity.
It's non productive and debilitating . I do ask why sometimes though. Why does it seem that some people have a bumpier road than others. Its ironic though. Those same people also seem to experience heightened joyful periods. Maybe thats the deal? A mountain of putrid, heavy dirt gets tossed on you and you fight and claw your way out. Once you've reached the surface and cleaned the dirt from your eyes, the sun shines so brightly you think you'll go blind. The rays seep through your flesh and penetrate every part of you. It is sooo good. As close to heaven on earth as us lowly mortal beings ever get. I hope I never stop clawing to the surface.

I'm still here. I still have my boxing gloves on . That in itself is wonderful.

The Bizarre Human brain

2007-10-28T13:38:00.000-04:00

Our brains are wonderfully complex and yet so very primal and basic. What moves us, captures our interests and evokes emotion can be so varied yet somehow its all connected.
Here, take a peek into my 2.5 pound brain ( yes, I'm feeling rather generous) and see what
evoked emotion in me this weekend.

Friday morning I went to the Doctors office and proclaimed that yes, I was ready to quit smoking (AGAIN) I quit last year for 3 months while taking Zyban and almost lost my mind.
Zyban works...but I would only suggest it as a very last resort. I suffered anxiety, unprovoked rages, depression. It was a nightmare for my family. My Doctor called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me about a new medication that thus far exhibited no physical side effects. I spent a week researching it and decided, yes. I'm going for it. Let me tell you how I feel about smoking. Absolutely shameful! I equate a smoking addiction with true weakness and quite honestly it disgusts me. It disgusts me that I have control over every aspect of my life except the one thing that will ultimately kill me. I am very disciplined in my diet. I don't eat red meat, eat only raw and organic foods, I weight train religiously 5 times a week, I very rarely drink. Meanwhile, I suck back poison daily. I want control of this. I want a victory.

Friday afternoon I was at Drews school . Her little sister, dad and I went to watch her debut in a play about bullying. She is was wonderful; so animated and everytime she'd catch our eye, there was a huge grin on her face. I was smiling to myself, leaned over to her dad and whispered " How do you think she got so dramatic?" He almost fell off his chair laughing.

Friday night I was alone for the evening. Scott was working and Jess was at friends for the night. I had put the little girls to bed and decided it was going to be a freak myself out night.
My weapon of choice was Hostel 2. I loved it...and I felt guilty for loving it.
Films like Hostel and Saw have earned a new name. The critics call them torture porn. Well, I like torture porn alot. What I can't understand is why? I'm not convinced I'm a bonafide sadist, nor a violent voyeur as I was rooting for the good guy all through the film. Why do we like watching people get slashed/gutted/eaten for dinner? What part of our brain derives pleasure on some level from this horrific human evil? I'm not a violent person. The last physical altercation I had was in the 9th grade when the school bull called my best friend fat. I have never and will never hit my children. I believe its fundamentally wrong. While I may have a temper it has never manifested itself to physical violence and short of myself or my children being threatened, I don't think I'd ever be violent. Now, lay a hand on my children and I'll chew your fucking face off but thats another story entirely. I'd love to understand my attraction to these cult films. Obviously I'm not the only one that enjoys them. Most are top box office hits.

Saturday morning was Drews hockey game. I've waving my green pom poms, blowing my horn, doing my thing and there she is....skating down the center of the ice...breakaway..she shoots and she scores. The team tackles her and my heart blows up in my chest. Its not just pride. Its so much bigger. Its absolute joy. I'm her mother. I can feel her. I can feel her pain and her joy.
Right now this second she who is less than 4 feet feels on top of the world and I can feel her joy racing through my veins. Its worse than crack

Saturday afternoon I'm whoring myself out at the arena selling Boo Boo kits for our team fundraiser. I recruit my adorable 5 year old who manages to sell more kits in 10 minutes than I do in 3 hours. I wonder if she can renegotiate my mortgage for me?

Saturday night is the Halloween Party. Trinity is working the door and gets glimpse at all the adorable kids in costume. I brought with me a beautiful little mini mouse, a scary skeleton and a moody teenage vampire. Poor Jess made the mistake of standing in one place too long. Within a minute she was recruited to selling door prize tickets. She was a trooper and I was glad to have her there even though I'm sure a kids party was the very last place she wanted to be.

5 am today...I dragged my butt out of bed for hockey practice. We wonder why hockey players are so tough. What other sport has you dragging a bag of equipment that weighs more than you to a practice in the dark on a cold rink.

This afternoon I'm expecting a house full of kids because, lets face it. I'm out of my mind. Its pumpkin day in our house. I have 10 pumpkins and 5 kids to carve them. I'll be knee deep in pumpkin crap by dinner.

This is my life. Its crazy, it's messy. Its mine. I'm keeping it.

We have a Costume!

2007-10-17T10:36:00.000-04:00

This year, I have a halloween fundraiser for the hockey team to attend plus an adult costume party next Saturday so for the first time in many many years I actually needed a costume.

I was surprised ( and a little disgruntled) to discover that almost every adult womans costume I saw was some variation of a slut. The school girl, naughty nurse, vampire vixen, playboy bunny.

Since when is Halloween a viable excuse to dress like a skank? I'm selling Boo Boo first aid kits to a group of parents at a hockey rink during a tournament for 8 year old kids. A sexy Mrs Claus in a red merry widow lingerie costume just didn't seem appropriate. Then I found it! It's PERFECT! I'm going to be -drum roll- Trinity from the Matrix! The costume is way cool. I just received it today. I'll post pictures from the party. Until then, this is Trinity...

That Damned Toothfairy ..and a lil update

2007-10-15T09:41:00.000-04:00

Its been over a month since I've blogged. Its hockey season. Need I say more? Both Drew and Jade are playing this year. I'm managing one team and coaching the other so needless to say I have no life except for hockey. No complaints though. I love every second of it. Drew had her first game Saturday and they won 5-2. She had 5 breakaways and a goal. Mama was VERY proud! The weather is gorgeous. I've always loved the fall and this year is no exception. My sweaters and wool socks are out and I'm a happy girl.

Jade lost her first tooth yesterday. Its been loose for a week and I've been begging her to hold off losing it until she's at least 30. I'm not ready to let my baby grow up. She's the last and I ant to hold on forever. When she finally lost it, she comes running at me, cute little gap between her teeth and she hugs me saying, Mommy, I can have no teeth and I'll still be your baby. I pondered that a moment and agreed to the new terms.

We're laying in bed last night just about to fall asleep and it hit me. The tooth fairy! Damn, we FORGOT the toothfairy. I nudged S out of bed and said shhhhhhhhhhhh, put the letter and toonie under the pilow and be very very quiet. I jinxed it right there.

The door squeaks when he opens it, the floor boards squeak when he walks across it, he stubs his toe on the bunkbed frame as he's approaching the pillow. I'm hearing all of this and laughing so hard I had to bury my face in a pillow. 10 minutes later he emerges with a grin
" Covert Operation , highly classified code name toothfairy reporting that mission is acomplished. The toothfairy has landed..and I need a bandaid"

Too cute.

Bye Bye Summer

2007-09-03T20:34:00.000-04:00

and what a send off!

We just returned from an amazing last weekend of summer. I think the girls are even more depressed than before about having to return to school tomorrow . We spent the weekend at a friends cottage. We were on the water most of the weekend tubing, wakeboarding and just speeding around. Pictures wll follow soon. Jesse and I were warriors and held on tight no matter how hard they tried to flip us. Little Jade LOVED the tube and I couldn't believe how brave she was. We were travelling pretty fast in the boat and there she was holding on for dear life behind on the tube sporting the hugest grin. Great. Another daredevil I have spawned. Thank you to our dear friends B and M for a fantastic end to summer holidays. A new chapter begins tomorrow. I love the fall so I'm happy. The cool nights, beautiful colors, smell of burning fire wood.

The Surprise Party and My Silly Sister

2007-08-29T15:51:00.000-04:00

MR. HANKIE - See story below

I pulled it off!

I had a surprise birthday dinner for Scott last night and it went perfectly as planned. There was 15 of us altogether and we had dinner at Yangtzee ( Our fav place in Chinatown) I love the fried noodles and spicy vegetables and I ate and ate and ate .

We have a new baby coming! Baby puppy that is. Maggie's mom is being bred next week and the litter is expected to arrive mid December. I made the announcement at dinner last night that Jules, a chocolate brown lab will be arriving before Christmas.

My sister asked why I chose the name Jules? Jules is short for Julian and its a lovely dogs name. No so, says my sister. She had a much better name.

Mr. Hankie ; the Christmas chocolate poo

For those of you who don't know Mr. Henkie...See picture above

and yes, I spewed my chinese noodles when she said it