The Bizarre Human brain
Our brains are wonderfully complex and yet so very primal and basic. What moves us, captures our interests and evokes emotion can be so varied yet somehow its all connected.
Here, take a peek into my 2.5 pound brain ( yes, I'm feeling rather generous) and see what
evoked emotion in me this weekend.
Friday morning I went to the Doctors office and proclaimed that yes, I was ready to quit smoking (AGAIN) I quit last year for 3 months while taking Zyban and almost lost my mind.
Zyban works...but I would only suggest it as a very last resort. I suffered anxiety, unprovoked rages, depression. It was a nightmare for my family. My Doctor called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me about a new medication that thus far exhibited no physical side effects. I spent a week researching it and decided, yes. I'm going for it. Let me tell you how I feel about smoking. Absolutely shameful! I equate a smoking addiction with true weakness and quite honestly it disgusts me. It disgusts me that I have control over every aspect of my life except the one thing that will ultimately kill me. I am very disciplined in my diet. I don't eat red meat, eat only raw and organic foods, I weight train religiously 5 times a week, I very rarely drink. Meanwhile, I suck back poison daily. I want control of this. I want a victory.
Friday afternoon I was at Drews school . Her little sister, dad and I went to watch her debut in a play about bullying. She is was wonderful; so animated and everytime she'd catch our eye, there was a huge grin on her face. I was smiling to myself, leaned over to her dad and whispered " How do you think she got so dramatic?" He almost fell off his chair laughing.
Friday night I was alone for the evening. Scott was working and Jess was at friends for the night. I had put the little girls to bed and decided it was going to be a freak myself out night.
My weapon of choice was Hostel 2. I loved it...and I felt guilty for loving it.
Films like Hostel and Saw have earned a new name. The critics call them torture porn. Well, I like torture porn alot. What I can't understand is why? I'm not convinced I'm a bonafide sadist, nor a violent voyeur as I was rooting for the good guy all through the film. Why do we like watching people get slashed/gutted/eaten for dinner? What part of our brain derives pleasure on some level from this horrific human evil? I'm not a violent person. The last physical altercation I had was in the 9th grade when the school bull called my best friend fat. I have never and will never hit my children. I believe its fundamentally wrong. While I may have a temper it has never manifested itself to physical violence and short of myself or my children being threatened, I don't think I'd ever be violent. Now, lay a hand on my children and I'll chew your fucking face off but thats another story entirely. I'd love to understand my attraction to these cult films. Obviously I'm not the only one that enjoys them. Most are top box office hits.
Saturday morning was Drews hockey game. I've waving my green pom poms, blowing my horn, doing my thing and there she is....skating down the center of the ice...breakaway..she shoots and she scores. The team tackles her and my heart blows up in my chest. Its not just pride. Its so much bigger. Its absolute joy. I'm her mother. I can feel her. I can feel her pain and her joy.
Right now this second she who is less than 4 feet feels on top of the world and I can feel her joy racing through my veins. Its worse than crack
Saturday afternoon I'm whoring myself out at the arena selling Boo Boo kits for our team fundraiser. I recruit my adorable 5 year old who manages to sell more kits in 10 minutes than I do in 3 hours. I wonder if she can renegotiate my mortgage for me?
Saturday night is the Halloween Party. Trinity is working the door and gets glimpse at all the adorable kids in costume. I brought with me a beautiful little mini mouse, a scary skeleton and a moody teenage vampire. Poor Jess made the mistake of standing in one place too long. Within a minute she was recruited to selling door prize tickets. She was a trooper and I was glad to have her there even though I'm sure a kids party was the very last place she wanted to be.
5 am today...I dragged my butt out of bed for hockey practice. We wonder why hockey players are so tough. What other sport has you dragging a bag of equipment that weighs more than you to a practice in the dark on a cold rink.
This afternoon I'm expecting a house full of kids because, lets face it. I'm out of my mind. Its pumpkin day in our house. I have 10 pumpkins and 5 kids to carve them. I'll be knee deep in pumpkin crap by dinner.
This is my life. Its crazy, it's messy. Its mine. I'm keeping it.
Here, take a peek into my 2.5 pound brain ( yes, I'm feeling rather generous) and see what
evoked emotion in me this weekend.
Friday morning I went to the Doctors office and proclaimed that yes, I was ready to quit smoking (AGAIN) I quit last year for 3 months while taking Zyban and almost lost my mind.
Zyban works...but I would only suggest it as a very last resort. I suffered anxiety, unprovoked rages, depression. It was a nightmare for my family. My Doctor called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me about a new medication that thus far exhibited no physical side effects. I spent a week researching it and decided, yes. I'm going for it. Let me tell you how I feel about smoking. Absolutely shameful! I equate a smoking addiction with true weakness and quite honestly it disgusts me. It disgusts me that I have control over every aspect of my life except the one thing that will ultimately kill me. I am very disciplined in my diet. I don't eat red meat, eat only raw and organic foods, I weight train religiously 5 times a week, I very rarely drink. Meanwhile, I suck back poison daily. I want control of this. I want a victory.
Friday afternoon I was at Drews school . Her little sister, dad and I went to watch her debut in a play about bullying. She is was wonderful; so animated and everytime she'd catch our eye, there was a huge grin on her face. I was smiling to myself, leaned over to her dad and whispered " How do you think she got so dramatic?" He almost fell off his chair laughing.
Friday night I was alone for the evening. Scott was working and Jess was at friends for the night. I had put the little girls to bed and decided it was going to be a freak myself out night.
My weapon of choice was Hostel 2. I loved it...and I felt guilty for loving it.
Films like Hostel and Saw have earned a new name. The critics call them torture porn. Well, I like torture porn alot. What I can't understand is why? I'm not convinced I'm a bonafide sadist, nor a violent voyeur as I was rooting for the good guy all through the film. Why do we like watching people get slashed/gutted/eaten for dinner? What part of our brain derives pleasure on some level from this horrific human evil? I'm not a violent person. The last physical altercation I had was in the 9th grade when the school bull called my best friend fat. I have never and will never hit my children. I believe its fundamentally wrong. While I may have a temper it has never manifested itself to physical violence and short of myself or my children being threatened, I don't think I'd ever be violent. Now, lay a hand on my children and I'll chew your fucking face off but thats another story entirely. I'd love to understand my attraction to these cult films. Obviously I'm not the only one that enjoys them. Most are top box office hits.
Saturday morning was Drews hockey game. I've waving my green pom poms, blowing my horn, doing my thing and there she is....skating down the center of the ice...breakaway..she shoots and she scores. The team tackles her and my heart blows up in my chest. Its not just pride. Its so much bigger. Its absolute joy. I'm her mother. I can feel her. I can feel her pain and her joy.
Right now this second she who is less than 4 feet feels on top of the world and I can feel her joy racing through my veins. Its worse than crack
Saturday afternoon I'm whoring myself out at the arena selling Boo Boo kits for our team fundraiser. I recruit my adorable 5 year old who manages to sell more kits in 10 minutes than I do in 3 hours. I wonder if she can renegotiate my mortgage for me?
Saturday night is the Halloween Party. Trinity is working the door and gets glimpse at all the adorable kids in costume. I brought with me a beautiful little mini mouse, a scary skeleton and a moody teenage vampire. Poor Jess made the mistake of standing in one place too long. Within a minute she was recruited to selling door prize tickets. She was a trooper and I was glad to have her there even though I'm sure a kids party was the very last place she wanted to be.
5 am today...I dragged my butt out of bed for hockey practice. We wonder why hockey players are so tough. What other sport has you dragging a bag of equipment that weighs more than you to a practice in the dark on a cold rink.
This afternoon I'm expecting a house full of kids because, lets face it. I'm out of my mind. Its pumpkin day in our house. I have 10 pumpkins and 5 kids to carve them. I'll be knee deep in pumpkin crap by dinner.
This is my life. Its crazy, it's messy. Its mine. I'm keeping it.
posted by Sandi at 1:38 PM
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