Staring down the demons...with my jeans too tight
I've spent the last 6 weeks staring down an ugly demon, desperate to forge ahead and declare victory. This demon has played very dirty, precision attacks at my most vulnerable core. I can feel so weak, but each hit is empowering me, allowing me to really learn more about who I am.
I quit smoking 1 month, 2 days and 11 hours ago. It has been one of the most difficult challenges of my life. Its a daunting effort for anyone, but for someone with an eating disorder who has had to deal with natural weight gain while quitting, its been devastating.
I spent 3 months preparing for this challenge. For 3 months prior to quitting day I trained my body more aggressively than ever before. My goal was to be at optimal, lean body mass with an boosted metabolism. I tried very hard to come to terms with the liklihood of temporary weight gain. My Doctor told me that if I continued to train regularily , even with extra eating my weight gain would stablize at 10-15 pounds and that weight would be lost after the second month when my metabolism was re-adjusted . Fast forward to present day. My weight is up 10 pounds and its mortifying. I've spent entire days depressed in bed because I feel so enormous. I feel like I've failed. I feel like my body has failed me. Its been a struggle not to start smoking again. Everyone is on pins and needles here. If you know anyone with an e/d you know you can't reassure them. You can't tell them how beautiful they are or how they still look thin. I, like many with an e/d have a distorted body image so these 10 pounds look like 100 pounds when I look in the mirror.
The mind plays tricks on you. My body feels heavy to move, I see bulges of fat everywhere. I'm afraid to go out in public. Except for work, I avoid leaving the house. Even work is difficult. I'm afraid people will notice how fat I've become and they will think I've failed. They'll laugh at me for getting fat. My Doctor wants me to start seeing him twice a week. He knows we're at a critical stage. If I don't control this weight gain, I will start smoking again. The thought of that makes me ill. I've come so far. There is a battle raging in my head. The eating disorder and the fear of death by cancer. Who is going to win? Bets anyone?
I quit smoking 1 month, 2 days and 11 hours ago. It has been one of the most difficult challenges of my life. Its a daunting effort for anyone, but for someone with an eating disorder who has had to deal with natural weight gain while quitting, its been devastating.
I spent 3 months preparing for this challenge. For 3 months prior to quitting day I trained my body more aggressively than ever before. My goal was to be at optimal, lean body mass with an boosted metabolism. I tried very hard to come to terms with the liklihood of temporary weight gain. My Doctor told me that if I continued to train regularily , even with extra eating my weight gain would stablize at 10-15 pounds and that weight would be lost after the second month when my metabolism was re-adjusted . Fast forward to present day. My weight is up 10 pounds and its mortifying. I've spent entire days depressed in bed because I feel so enormous. I feel like I've failed. I feel like my body has failed me. Its been a struggle not to start smoking again. Everyone is on pins and needles here. If you know anyone with an e/d you know you can't reassure them. You can't tell them how beautiful they are or how they still look thin. I, like many with an e/d have a distorted body image so these 10 pounds look like 100 pounds when I look in the mirror.
The mind plays tricks on you. My body feels heavy to move, I see bulges of fat everywhere. I'm afraid to go out in public. Except for work, I avoid leaving the house. Even work is difficult. I'm afraid people will notice how fat I've become and they will think I've failed. They'll laugh at me for getting fat. My Doctor wants me to start seeing him twice a week. He knows we're at a critical stage. If I don't control this weight gain, I will start smoking again. The thought of that makes me ill. I've come so far. There is a battle raging in my head. The eating disorder and the fear of death by cancer. Who is going to win? Bets anyone?
posted by Sandi at 6:32 PM
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